An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Our dear friend Nancy turned 100 a few weeks ago. Her daughter arranged for a lovely party at the local zoo that Nancy has generously supported through the years. She always has said she loves 4 legged creatures much more than 2. We flew down to Burbank Saturday morning and flew back home Monday. Quite a whirlwind trip.  Loads of longtime friends showed up to honor her and she was childlike in her delight at each face, many of them she had not seen in years. Part of the celebration included a performance by the students of The Teaching Zoo of Moorpark College . The entire party moved into a lecture hall, Nancy and her daughter sat front and center. The student handlers and their animals came in one by one. We learned about several different animals, their habitat, unique characteristics and how they are worked into the zoo program. I was not aware that porcupines are rodents. We were in a traditional lecture hall that rear seats loom high above the lecturer. The Boy Scout and ...

​Loving the things we still have in common, I hold them close to my heart, even as I watch you opening your hand to let them go. They aren’t necessary to continue to have a “we” but they are connective and familiar. If there is one thing many of us who are moving closer to, or deep within our “golden years”,  are holding on to is the familiar. Perhaps it is because little things are being taken away just by the act of aging. Chasing after you just as I did when you were first figuring out how to use those tiny, chubby feet or when you first started pedaling a bike, only now with the ever so slight feeling of bewilderment and the need to hurry, in place of the absolute joy mixed with nervousness at the inevitable falls. I will continue to fall behind because that is the nature of the life. Hopefully, you will slow down occasionally and look behind. What you will find is a deep and abiding love and whatever else that comes up. Sometimes it will be easy, sometimes not so much. I don’t...

Recently, I went to Denver to visit my daughter. It was a good visit. I brought my best self there and enjoyed her company thoroughly.  One night, after she went home, I was still antsy and decided to go see a movie. Jurassic World was ok but, good or bad (mostly not that great) I’ve seen them all because of falling in love with the first in the series.  The Cinemark theater was a little sketchy, somewhat run down but I got my popcorn and enjoyed.  The next day I was telling my girl about the movie. She was quiet and then said, “I probably should have told you mom, that is the theater is where the Batman shooting took place 12 years ago. I sat there stunned, without words. After a while, I realized not only did I go to the same theater complex but in the exact theater where the killing spree took place.  Questions entered my mind. How in the world did Century Theaters decide to keep that horrible place open? How is it that they think it’s ok to pretend like it did no...

I am a very speedy walker, always have been. It may have been the deep and abiding anxiety that lived in my body for the first 55 years of my life that prompted it. I couldn't say but it is how I am built now. I  frequently find myself 10 or so steps ahead of that man of mine, who ambles in the best of times, but who often limps in pain or discomfort. The years of misuse, his own and others, on that big ole body of his is letting itself known especially in the knees and feet. I have a hard time slowing my pace. Lately, I have been starting my day at the Willamette River, with my back facing east and watching the sunrise on the yonder shore and upon the lavish homes that grace the western river front. It is tranquil and peaceful most mornings and is a beautiful place for me to read or write. Seeing a lot of the same people walking trail each day, I take comfort in the familiarity. The past month I have watched a gal walking her very old companion. Today I finally stopped her to ask ...

My #3 child is still working abroad. She and her partner live in England somewhere near Manchester. The company she works for is an Oregon based company that provides medical and dental insurance for the citizens of this and 3 other states. When she started at this company about 6 years ago she worked with an older gent who left within the first year of her employment. They did not have a ton of interaction but they were on friendly terms. The other day, quite out of the blue, my daughter received an email from this person. They reached out, wishing her well, and letting her know how very sorry he is for how the LGBTQIA+ community is being treated by the current government. Letting her know he is on her side.  I think we are going to need to do a lot of that from this point on. For the brown skinned people in our communities, who must be living in fear, for the LGBTQIA+ community, who has no idea what is in store for them in regards to passports, bathrooms, their names, their posit...

  Isn’t it odd how we end our teen years and start our adult lives thinking we have to plan things out, plotting our futures using either the excellent tools our parents supplied us with or the complete for-shit set of tools we acquired because they themselves didn’t have any to begin with.  Off we go with dreams of how it “our lives” will turn out with the ever so careful choices we made. At some point comes the awareness that it really didn’t matter, those choices we made, because, in reality, we were never driving the bus. And some of us, we didn’t even get a seat. We were hanging on to the bumper wondering if we were going to have the strength to keep holding on.  Finally, if we’re lucky, we get off, we let go. But it hurts to let go, to surrender, to realize that our choices really don’t drive, affect maybe, but not drive.  There’s an ache and so much damn fear that comes with the letting go. Perhaps because all the energy we put into hanging on to the bumpe...

My tender hearted girl decided she wanted to foster an old lady. Selkie is 14, is nearly deaf and nearly blind, has a hard time walking and uses her bark to get her needs met.  She got her home, took her for a bath and then basically loved this old girl for three weeks until the property manager decided that it wasn’t a good match (barking too much AND because she is a pit bull).  My girl knew it was probably temporary but she gave that dog a comfortable loving home, away from the chaos of the shelter, for a short time.  Ideally, she would have walked her home but that’s not how it worked this time.  Last night she stood and ugly cried on a strangers shoulder after giving her back.  I love that girl and her sweet heart.  I wish Selkie a new final home full of love. 

The other day one of the ladies I meet with weekly cancelled with little notice. She was given the opportunity to spend some time with a new grand baby. The baby’s parents had recently reconnected after an extended estrangement.  I told her how very happy I was for her to have to time, to not worry about the cancellation and hoped she stayed present and enjoyed every moment.  She sweetly thanked me, faltered in her speech for a moment, and then expressed to me how sorry she was that I don’t have any grandchildren yet and that she hopes that changes someday. I would be lying if I told you it didn’t feel a little achey but, truthfully, I’m a very happy camper. I truly appreciated her kindness but I can spread my love other ways and I can always hope for the future.  Living in the moment, focusing on what is good (and there is a ton of it) accepting what is….it’s a great way to live.  Happiest of Sundays. 

 I know it's been awhile for me. Life has taken its turns and twists. I am rolling with it, living in the moment, breathing with purpose, journaling to get to know myself and accepting what is. It is amazing that all I had to do was give up the battle, stop being a victim and find the beauty. A while back I mentioned that I had a new interest in poetry. For most of my life I honestly didn't see the point of it but now it has taken on new meaning. I am finding some old poets that are lovely and solid and new ones that are irreverent and speak to my heart. I definitely have to pick and choose. There are many I simply don't understand but, in general, I am enjoying the trip. In addition to that, I have found that for the first time ever, Jazz speaks to my soul and my soul says YES. Imagine that? I couldn't have given one whit about it previously, quite the opposite. I would turn it off faster than you could say "Round Midnight".  Such fun! The Boy Scout graduated...

Her mind was made up before I had a chance to affect a change. Once determined, mountains would move before she would switch the object of her affection. She was mine but only in some obscure idea that one of her favorite people purchased her for another of her favorite people. But those people are only there to fill the time and space that has been vacated by her one and only. I gave her food. He took her to the dog park. I gave her snacks to help teach her. He gave her the "STICK OF DOMINANCE". I tried to train her, make her behave. He thought it was funny. I payed for her vet bills. He tells he she will be ok and that she is the bestest ever. I throw the ball. I pet, groom, baby talk, bathe. He gets her absolute unconditional love. ah well....I will settle for the dog scraps.

 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  I...

My sisters, who have decided to settle in the PNW for their retirement, sold their home in 3 days. They had 11 offers and settled on one that was just shy of $200,000 over asking price. Apparently, horse property in the Los Angeles area is getting harder and harder to find. Additionally, it costs about $600.00 to $700.00 per month to board a horse in an uncovered corral….and much more if you want a stable! So having it on your own property is a real plus. I had no idea how expensive a hobby it has become.  They will head in this direction no more than 55 days from today. Knowing my sisters, it will be sooner than that. My other sister Pam is selling a cabin in the Big Bear area of California at the same time but I don’t think that will slow the process.  I am thrilled beyond words to have them come my way. I adore all my sisters as they each hold of piece of my mom within them. A way of moving, a turn of phrase, it never fails to make me smile when I see her inside them. This ...

Surprise Surprise!!!! As you may remember, my right ear has been hearing so well from that 1st surgery that the fact that the left side surgery was a failure was not heart breaking. More just disappointing.  Last Monday my left hearing aid started acting up. It popped and then screeched and then was just way too loud. Made an appointment to get the darn thing adjusted and went on my merry way. Went to my surgery final follow up, which included a hearing test, and, lo and behold, I found out that my left ear surgery finally kicked in. Not sure if it related to the POP I heard on Monday but, at this point, most of my hearing is in the moderate or moderately severe range except for a few of the lower frequencies which are still profound. Overall, I am ecstatic! I could not have dreamed of a better outcome. Still need those aids but grateful for living in a time where they are available and also that the costs are coming down. The last set cost about $10K. With the change in laws, and ...

Occasionally, while she is sleeping, our dog Scruffy has dreams. Sometimes we imagine she’s chasing Chesters (squirrels) or a rogue rabbit. It’s all for fun, she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. Every once in a while, the dream seems to be more bothersome to her with yelps and yips. She can be pretty vocal and wake us up. Every time it happens like that, I wait to hear the deep calming voice coming from the other side of the bed or the other end of the couch saying, “You’re ok, it’s alright”, over and over until Scruffy settles back down. Honestly I don’t know if she hears him at all but she quickly quiets and her breathing returns to deep and regular.  As a child I longed to feel safe with someone, a person who could soothe the fear of the uncertain. Neither parent was able to do that. I have developed an internal voice that tells me “it’s ok” when things don’t feel all that ok. It’s not smooth and rich and buttery like Boy Scouts but it’s a comfort just the same.  Don’t...

  Gradually when learning how to stop trying to change things, fix people, control circumstances, is when life started to get better. Learning how to breathe, unclenched fist, sitting with feelings, being brave. I can do this. I am not god. I can do this. Right here. Ps…to my friend  Debra , poetry I understand. ie good poetry 🥰

 2 1/2 years have passed since I left everything I knew behind me.  Well, not everything. I brought along a Boy Scout, a Scruffy dog and the "stuff" that managed to be important enough to tow behind us.  This journey has been scary, challenging, wondrous, frustrating and, above all, life changing. Or should I say "Linda" changing. Ways I have changed: Fear is no longer the master of my life. It doesn't guide my choices, my relationships or anything else that it once lorded over. I learned for the very first time what unconditional love means. I have received it from a few people in my life but I did not know how to give it. Fear didn't allow it. Boy Scout has given it to me and, now, I am learning to return that gift. Loving him as he is. Joy entered. I look for it. Intentionally I seek it and find it regularly in little things. Even when life throws bumps, I eventually find my joy. Friendships. God how I had longed for friendships and how they eluded me. Th...

The past couple of days I’ve had a sense of dis-ease. I’ve wanted to get out. Do something new. Get into nature. But it’s on the chilly side and Boy Scout has not been all that well. Two of my sisters (plus one husband) might be moving this direction. They’re retired for 2 or 3 years now but they’ve been waiting for Boogie (a 31 year old horse) to pass before relocating. Boogie went to the stable in the sky just before Christmas so relocation is the next step. They may end up in Sequim, Washington but that is only 3 or 4 hours away so I’d be happy with that. It beats 15 hours any day of the week. They may also be here in Portland which would be super. Either way, I just want them to be happy.  I’m sitting in a deep fog and, to be honest, it’s pressing down on me. Maybe a hot bath will help dissipate its somber effect on my mood.  Life is still good. This too belongs. 

Boy Scout is on the couch recovering from a number of unpleasant health issues. I’m in the barrel chair, dog on my lap, looking out the front window. In my past life I would have felt down, gazing at the muted palette, the ice, the lack of movement. I have new glasses with which to see the world and those glasses allow me to notice serene landscape, the quiet, the beauty of the cleared pathway that runs from our front door to the car (compliments of our neighbors 11 year old son) and the elongating crystal-like spears hanging from the eaves and whatever else that can attach themselves to.  The only sign of life right now is the smoke gently rising out of a few of our neighbors chimneys. It’s early yet. It’ll pick up but right now I am enjoying the silence of a cold winter morning.  I love my life, my new set of glasses.

This house we live in, built in 1961, was pretty much original when we moved in. The tub had been resurfaced and the master shower must of had a plumbing leak sometime in the 70’s judging by the beefy mauve and brown tiles. The owners had carpeted over hardwood but the carpet I pulled up was definitely from the late 60’s or early 70's. . I went to work and replaced both toilets (one pink and one too old) pretty quick. I bought the same model Kohler for both except one was standard and one was elongated. The new spare bath toilet had an issue from the start. Each time it was flushed it squirted clean water out of the bowl onto the wall behind it if the lid was open, or onto the lid and toilet seat if it was closed. I made a number of calls to Kohler early on but was so busy that I didn’t get it worked out. Basically, I tolerated it. Finally, I set aside an unlimited amount of time to “fix it”. The guy from Kohler assured me it was the flush valve and even though I knew he was wrong,...

This is where I developed my love of driving. Meet Susan. 1979 Datsun B210. Bad weather....new blog look. Too much time on my hands. It's been fine being home except for some cabin fever. We go a lot, just seeing new parts of the city, exploring the countryside, but I am not confident in the snow and ice. I find that I am chiding myself to not give in to fear. I love driving.  My car has not been out for days and I am playing the "If only I had bought that all-wheel drive" tune in my head, as if that is what is holding me back. I just don't like being afraid to get behind the wheel. It's just a little weather.