Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  It can be

Coming Home

My sisters, who have decided to settle in the PNW for their retirement, sold their home in 3 days. They had 11 offers and settled on one that was just shy of $200,000 over asking price. Apparently, horse property in the Los Angeles area is getting harder and harder to find. Additionally, it costs about $600.00 to $700.00 per month to board a horse in an uncovered corral….and much more if you want a stable! So having it on your own property is a real plus. I had no idea how expensive a hobby it has become.  They will head in this direction no more than 55 days from today. Knowing my sisters, it will be sooner than that. My other sister Pam is selling a cabin in the Big Bear area of California at the same time but I don’t think that will slow the process.  I am thrilled beyond words to have them come my way. I adore all my sisters as they each hold of piece of my mom within them. A way of moving, a turn of phrase, it never fails to make me smile when I see her inside them. This morning m

I Hear What You Are Saying

Surprise Surprise!!!! As you may remember, my right ear has been hearing so well from that 1st surgery that the fact that the left side surgery was a failure was not heart breaking. More just disappointing.  Last Monday my left hearing aid started acting up. It popped and then screeched and then was just way too loud. Made an appointment to get the darn thing adjusted and went on my merry way. Went to my surgery final follow up, which included a hearing test, and, lo and behold, I found out that my left ear surgery finally kicked in. Not sure if it related to the POP I heard on Monday but, at this point, most of my hearing is in the moderate or moderately severe range except for a few of the lower frequencies which are still profound. Overall, I am ecstatic! I could not have dreamed of a better outcome. Still need those aids but grateful for living in a time where they are available and also that the costs are coming down. The last set cost about $10K. With the change in laws, and the

Right As Rain

Occasionally, while she is sleeping, our dog Scruffy has dreams. Sometimes we imagine she’s chasing Chesters (squirrels) or a rogue rabbit. It’s all for fun, she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. Every once in a while, the dream seems to be more bothersome to her with yelps and yips. She can be pretty vocal and wake us up. Every time it happens like that, I wait to hear the deep calming voice coming from the other side of the bed or the other end of the couch saying, “You’re ok, it’s alright”, over and over until Scruffy settles back down. Honestly I don’t know if she hears him at all but she quickly quiets and her breathing returns to deep and regular.  As a child I longed to feel safe with someone, a person who could soothe the fear of the uncertain. Neither parent was able to do that. I have developed an internal voice that tells me “it’s ok” when things don’t feel all that ok. It’s not smooth and rich and buttery like Boy Scouts but it’s a comfort just the same.  Don’t worry, i

I Am Not God

  Gradually when learning how to stop trying to change things, fix people, control circumstances, is when life started to get better. Learning how to breathe, unclenched fist, sitting with feelings, being brave. I can do this. I am not god. I can do this. Right here. Ps…to my friend  Debra , poetry I understand. ie good poetry 🥰

Things I Have Learned

 2 1/2 years have passed since I left everything I knew behind me.  Well, not everything. I brought along a Boy Scout, a Scruffy dog and the "stuff" that managed to be important enough to tow behind us.  This journey has been scary, challenging, wondrous, frustrating and, above all, life changing. Or should I say "Linda" changing. Ways I have changed: Fear is no longer the master of my life. It doesn't guide my choices, my relationships or anything else that it once lorded over. I learned for the very first time what unconditional love means. I have received it from a few people in my life but I did not know how to give it. Fear didn't allow it. Boy Scout has given it to me and, now, I am learning to return that gift. Loving him as he is. Joy entered. I look for it. Intentionally I seek it and find it regularly in little things. Even when life throws bumps, I eventually find my joy. Friendships. God how I had longed for friendships and how they eluded me. Th

In A Fog

The past couple of days I’ve had a sense of dis-ease. I’ve wanted to get out. Do something new. Get into nature. But it’s on the chilly side and Boy Scout has not been all that well. Two of my sisters (plus one husband) might be moving this direction. They’re retired for 2 or 3 years now but they’ve been waiting for Boogie (a 31 year old horse) to pass before relocating. Boogie went to the stable in the sky just before Christmas so relocation is the next step. They may end up in Sequim, Washington but that is only 3 or 4 hours away so I’d be happy with that. It beats 15 hours any day of the week. They may also be here in Portland which would be super. Either way, I just want them to be happy.  I’m sitting in a deep fog and, to be honest, it’s pressing down on me. Maybe a hot bath will help dissipate its somber effect on my mood.  Life is still good. This too belongs.