Friday, April 20, 2018

That’s So Stupid

I am sometimes amazed at how things in my head go so askew. During a 2nd session with a counselor she noted that I had mentioned either: feeling stupid, being afraid of looking stupid, shame for being stupid or doing something stupid.

How did appearing ignorant become my biggest fear?

The craziest thing about growing up in an alcoholic home is that the insanity is normal to you. It’s all you know. It wasn’t until I was 50 and everything fell apart that I realized that the walls I had built to protect myself were my jail.

I have exhausted myself to keep the fear at bay. I have exhausted myself to prove myself worthy of love. I am exhausted.

I am not, however, stupid. I have made many mistakes.....that does not equal ignorance...that is my humanity. And despite what I gleamed as a child, I am worthy of love. Good love, love without lies, healthy love.....  The sooner I can give that to myself, the sooner I can accept it from someone else.

Did someone tell me I was stupid? I honestly cannot remember. But I am not  I am not.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

Travel Lightly

We are planning a trip.

Putting our home on  Done it before to with terrific results and looking forward to trying again. We've already got one offer to Toulon in the South of France but that's not where I am thinking of going.

I've got a passport for the first time when I was 49. It has one stamp in it..Roissy.CDG. We went to Paris..the 6 of us. I have some wonderful memories of that trip but there is also a dark cloud. Little did we know that the Secret Keeper was so far into his addiction that he could barely hold it together. His odd behavior kept us off balance and confused. And honestly, my reaction to it probably hurt the kids. I did not like him anymore, in fact, there were times I hated him. In truth, I hated the addict, I just didn't know it.

This time I will go with my best friend, the person who makes me laugh and who loves me despite my faults. This time it will be different. I am different. The Boy Scout and I will be taking our first trip together....he, the seasoned traveler and me, the woman who fears much but is trying to let it go.

Can’t wait to try again.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Act Your Age

As I walked through the crowded room, I felt just like me. Strong, in control, fearless, partner, mother, business woman, runner, daughter, sister and friend.

But then I pass by a mirror and someone else looks back. When did it happen? How did she get here? This woman who has taken so much...who the hell is she?

Gone forever is the cannot be a daughter without parents. Lost is the control; was it ever there? The business woman remains but she is the one I like the least. Hidden deep within is the runner but she will never resurface. The sister is still there but so changed that I hardly recognize her. There a big hole where there once was loving closeness...why or how big or how it happened I cannot say.

I sometimes resent this woman. How dare she show up? I am not ready. My friends say "Be grateful...consider the alternative."

I need to make friends with her. I could use another bosom buddy, one who loves me unconditionally. Can't we all use another really good friend? She and I need to make peace. This "mature" woman, who will another cartwheel, run another race, birth another child, kiss her mother goodbye....

She will find new things...she's working on it.

Friday, April 13, 2018

What's That You Say?

We really like our neighbors. They moved in a year ago and it's been great getting to know them. Last night we went to a local brat and brew. It was........interesting.

Step inside the restaurant and, lo and behold, it was trivia night. A raucous local crowd of regulars competing in teams in three rounds for the prize of a few bucks.

The was a noisy group....and I couldn't hear a damn thing. I got the gist of a few of the questions but could not take part in any way as the three others in my group whispered to reach a consensus or prove their intellectual prowess. Either way, I sat like a lump, feeling rather stupid and very isolated. It sucked....not remotely fun. I tried to make the best of it but really, I wanted to walk home while they had their fun.

The hot dog was tasty, I hate beer.

Next time, a quieter place and a better attitude.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Days And Nights

Do you ever get lonely?  You must.

What do you do that helps drive the lonely away?

Getting It Done

Today I got a few things done and feel a sense of accomplishment. They were little things, nothing big.  I installed a toilet paper holder. Went to Lowe’s for a 5/16 drillbit because that ended up somewhere else in the divorce. Dug through MY easy access tool drawer for the necessary tools.

I used anchors with the screws so the thing doesn't fall off in a month. I checked for level and VOILA, done.


Then I raised the picture that hangs in the guest room. My walls are 80 year old lath and plaster which means if you are not careful you can cause a crack that starts in one spot and keeps on going till it feels good and ready to stop. Using some support tape, I drilled pilot holes, inserted anchors and screws and rehung a little higher.

blocked by armoire

Truth be told, there was a time I resented the Boy Scout for not being a handyman type but he has his good qualities and I’d rather hang a picture than cook any day of the week.

It’s nice to know I can do a few things when I put my mind to it.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Kindest Regards


My prayer is, let me be a blessing to someone or something today.
A worthy prayer or mantra for those who don’t pray. I do but in my own way.

I rubbed my mans feet after a long day at work. I took my girls to the movies, loved on the dog before I went.  Stopped and talked to some of the people moving out of my office. Let them know I enjoyed working with them and will miss them.

I should call my sister but am not quite ready.

I tried to walk gently through this world today.