Sunday, November 19, 2017

Breathe In, Breathe Out


As i walked down the avenue, the late afternoon sun was turning the lovely and dying sycamore leaves into fragments of brilliant stained glass, and i said to myself, "This alone is worth the price of admission to our broken and glorious world."
This quote reminds me of a certain moment in life a number of years back. We were taking what would turn out to be our last “family” vacation. I knew the kids were spreading their wings and, deep down, I knew that we were falling apart. So in fulfilling a long held dream I booked 6 tickets to Paris and did a home exchange with a family of like size. It was both a wonderful and horrible trip.

The special moment I referred to was so incredible. For a reason I do not recall, I was standing alone at the corner of Place Saint-Andre des Arts and Place Saint Michel. The weather had turned slightly cooler but a warm breeze surrounded me for a few minutes. It was light hearted and gentle and it swirled leaves around my feet and in the street. The bakery the to left of where I was standing smelled magnificent. And although I can admit freely that I am not a fan of accordion music, a older gent standing on the opposite corner played a hauntingly sweet tune (on this I must admit that sometimes I think I may have imagined him). I breathed in deep with my eyes closed wanting to commit the smell to memory. I let loose the sweet air and looked and thought to myself, "I want to remember this moment forever." That was 8 years ago and I still can recall the lovely scent and the warmth of the breeze on my cheek. It was worth every single hard moment of that trip and more.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Be Light

Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light.

I love this quote. It brings to mind all the people who helped me get through some of the harder times in my life. Some were always there, as reliable as the air around me. Others stepped in with just a word or a smile and moved back out again. I wish I had documented each of those earthly angels, made a mental card file, so that I could go through it and thank them and while doing so, reminding me to be that same kind of person.

I am that person to my kids for the most part, just as my mother was for me. But it is when we reach out to an acquaintance or stranger, we put ourselves out there, taking a risk and, sometimes, reaping incredible benefits.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Thicker is Better.

My youngest (21) has been having trouble with UTI's. Lot's of them. After ending up in the emergency room twice she finally went to the urologist.

After sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of older gents she gets moved to an exam room. Waiting for the doctor to come, she hears from the next room over...."I am having trouble getting aroused. I can't tell whether I am in or out."

UHMMMM...thicker I think??? Yes, the answer to that problem is thicker walls.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Taking Back My Life

Thanksgiving was always mine. A person has to fight for the holidays when there are six siblings, but this holiday is my favorite. No pre Thanksgiving shopping and stress, just get together and enjoy the company.

When my life fell apart I lost it to another sibling. I was preoccupied with 4 grieving children, a mentally ill man with few boundaries and my own despair. I was busy selling and packing and learning to breathe again. Unable to sleep or eat, just getting to holidays was a triumph.

This year the Boy Scout took back my holiday and is running with it full force. Our little 800 sq ft house will be packed to overflowing 9 days. I cannot wait!!!!

We will have at least 20 adults and 4 little ones. Woohooo!

We are considering asking the Secret Keeper to come too. Not truly knowing what is best for him, it is hard to guess what the right thing to do. I loathe the idea of him being alone on this holiday and I despise the idea that my kids will feel guilt for choosing one over the other. We will play that one by ear.

Either way, I can breathe again and I am learning to be find the good. I am developing a thicker skin and empathy is growing stronger every day. I have MUCH to be thankful for.

I wish the same for you and more!

Friday, November 10, 2017

Put A Cork In It, Would you?

I have a physical and emotional reaction to the smell of alcohol on a person's breath. I have an "out of control" feeling when I think someone is drinking too much. It doesn't have to be the person I am with, it can be the person 5 feet away that I will never meet.

It's not a good thing when it is the person I am with. I am getting better at recognizing that feeling and wrestling it under control before things get really ugly. Not every time and not as early as I would like. The fight or flight takes over and I can do both in a very grand fashion.

I love the child in me that feels scared and screams out for a person she can rely on but I dislike when she takes over and makes herself and everyone around her miserable. My counselor has told me I am suppose to remind her that I (yes, me, myself and I) will take care of her but I don't always remember that in time.

I keep trying♥

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Me, Just Sayin’

Mental illness did not kill 26 people. An assault rifle did that. An assault rifle in the hands of a man who bought it legally because the system failed.

Mental illness did not kill 58 people in Las Vegas. Numerous assault rifles did that. I could care less whether he got them legally or illegally… He got them.

This is a gun issue. Plain and simple. How many more times are we going to have this happen before our leaders call a spade a spade?

I’m not saying all guns. That’s not my agenda. But who the hell needs an automatic or semi-automatic gun aside from a soldier?

Ps. If mental illness is the problem, then why do we give them NO real health care and leave them to fend for themselves?

Thank you Donald but we will have to agree to drastically disagree. 

Monday, November 6, 2017

Kiss The Cook

Someone somewhere along the way told my Boy Scout he couldn't sing. How dare someone shame a person from doing something so very basic to human pleasure. I don't sing well but that will never stop me from doing it at the top of my lungs if I so desire. Tuesdays With Morrie cemented that belief that I once held timidly.

Yesterday the Boy Scout was in the kitchen, happily cooking away, trying a new recipe and listening to the Mark Knopfler station on Pandora. Suddenly a song comes on and he turns and starts singing. It's a hauntingly beautiful song or maybe I just think that now because of what it means to me (or more importantly him). He has a deep beautiful speaking voice and, often times, he kinda speaks with a song rather an fully singing. I love it but probably due to the fact that music moves his heart so profoundly. The first time he sang this song to me, he did so with tears rolling down his cheeks.

Make Me An Angel with Bonnie Raitt and John Prine

The lyrics are infused with a deep loneliness.....which is something he felt many, many nights in the last 30 years. I understand that deep loneliness, one that baffles that spirit because you have a partner beside you. How can one feel so alone when they are not?

No more! We have our ups and downs but loneliness is not a factor in it (at least not for me). Yesterday, when he sang the words;

There's flies in the kitchen I can hear 'em there buzzing
And I ain't done nothing since I woke up today.
How the hell can a person go to work in the morning
And come home in the evening and have nothing to say.

Make me an angel that flies from Montgom'ry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go

there were no tears. I'm glad of that but I can handle his tears.