Yes, Yes She Did

She Let Go 

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry,

she just let go.

 

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

 

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations

 about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

 

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

 

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations. 

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree,

she just let go.

 

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.

 

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

 

by Safire Rose

Give Them An Inch.....

My man has had a lot of growth recently. In the past he was known to others as a personable guy with a ready story or joke that frequently danced on the edge of impropriety, often the life of the party. He could easily be the loudest person in the room with his deep, rich voice that has soft hints of butter. If he sang, it would be a strong bass. He does sing but only to me.

He could also be a little cocky and would put people in their place with a dry wit that could singe. A person might be hurt but Boy Scout would do it with a smile and a joke. Many times he got off the hook for his comments because it would almost make the other person look overly sensitive to react. 

Today, at school, his professor pulled him aside and said she needed to speak to him. He cringed inside, wondering what off-color thing he might have said, who he might have unintentionally insulted. She quietly said that she noticed that he has a good rapport with most of the other students and that one of them, Joe, seemed to be very comfortable with him. Joe, being very shy, has not opened up to the teacher and she is worried he is struggling. Every student in the class needs to present a powerpoint presentation and she wondered if the Boy Scout would check in with Joe, see how things are going and if he needs any help. The teacher had pulled the Boy Scout aside for just being a good guy who is nice to everyone, making them feel at ease.

Boy Scout was pretty choked up when he spoke of this interaction. It reflected the hard work he has been doing on himself and the healing he has experienced in the past 3 years. Whether I am proud of him or not makes no difference. He was proud of himself. Lovely.

I may have had a hand at getting him to start his journey, but the work has been all his. I gave an inch and he’s taking it all the way home. 

Where?

I miss the taut skin under my chin and the girl with the smooth complexion. I also miss the lovely, reddish brown hair that was smoother than it is today and the flat belly. Yes, I loved that flat belly.

But that is just about all I miss. Yes, that is it.

I love this lady that no longer lives in self doubt, who tries to live in the moment. We see the beauty in every sunrise and every sunset. Shame no longer is the driver of this vehicle. The fear of “not enough” rarely shows up. 

In looking I the mirror this morning I see a warm smile, eyes wrinkled with sweet familiarity and hear, “Hello old friend, what are we going to do today? Where can we love?”

Like Herding Frogs.....

One day I heard a strange sound in the backyard. And then, I heard it again. "Did you hear that?", I ask, "What was that sound"?  Boy Scout patiently explains the obvious...."it's a frog."

We have one. She, or he, has a great big bullfrog voice. I love hearing it, reminding me a little of the Boy Scouts voice. And also, I love that I am able to hear it. Apparently, she's been around for awhile and with my pre-surgery hearing I was completely unaware. 

Now that I know we have at least one, and with the awareness of the smile it imprints on my heart, I did some research and found that there are ways to encourage others to come round. Shelter, water and bugs. Nature takes care of the bug part, the PNW takes care of the water and I will provide the shelter. Rock caves will work. I plan on planting them around the yard. 

Oh come, ye who is seeking shelter......come and make a joyful noise.

Ribbet.

Another Option

To: J

Once again, without saying much of anything, you allowed me to see a life situation from a different point of view. 

From my childhood I learned to look for what could go wrong, to be cautious, and to protect. Protect what? I was never beaten, never bruised on my body. Nor was I taught resilience, or if I was, I missed the lesson so thoroughly that I was forced to build a protective barrier to keep the pain out. And to be fair, the little girl that I was, she was hurt by the dance that the two people, who held her safety in their hands, had to do regardless of the age and ability of the on-lookers to understand, process and realize that it nothing to do with them.

When I earnestly shared my concern, you pushed back with what might be possible, pointing out, without meaning to, my narrow train of thought, the one that seeks to protect at any cost. Also, you showed me a form of more unconditional loyalty that says “I am on your side, no matter what.” It’s not the first time you’ve broadened my perspective, it likely will not be the last. 

Life sends us people to open our minds and hearts. It’s good to be ready for the lesson.

Bright Spots In The Day

Met a gal in an antique store the other day. She introduced herself as the owner and told me where everything was and let me get on with it. It was not my taste. She handled primitives, I'm more everyday eclectic.

I spotted a little newspaper article tucked in a corner wall. It told me all about her. "Joan" had been raised in the very town she had her store in. The story was interesting so I thought I'd go chat her up since there was nobody else in the store.

I went back to the counter and said, "Can I ask you a few questions?". Sure she says pulling away from her computer and giving me her attention. "They are of a more personal nature", I tell her. She squeezes her eyes tight together and gives me a huge smile, " Want to go out and sit on the porch?" she says. And we do.

I pepper her with questions about Sellwood Oregon, growing up there in the late 40's, early 50's. She has all kinds of stories and wanted to tell them.  My lucky day!

She tells me about Dr. Nickelsen, who owned the hospital, the Rexall Drug store and a large home, all on the corner of 13th St. Dr. Nickelsen was a big game hunter and one of his trips to Africa he was supposedly given a cheetah cub by a prince. He raised that cub and drove around town in his 55 Pontiac convertible with Chewey the Cheetah in the backseat with a collar and leash. Chewey had a large enclosure that sat within those two properties but he was known to spend time in the home where he was spotted scratching his back underneath a large grand piano. The doctor also had a water buffalo mounted on his wall. This particular water buffalo was in the process of trying to kill him when his wife took matters in her own hands and saved his life by shooting it. I guess she must have liked him in spite of his penchant for killing beautiful animals....but I digress.

Joan is a happy lady with a pleasant demeanor but when I asked why she didn't buy her childhood home when her father decided to spend his final years back in New Jersey, she got serious and shook her head, "I didn't ever want to live in that house again. It wasn't a happy place for me." She went on to tell me that her mother was paranoid schizophrenic and lived in a mental institution her entire childhood. Her grandfather, her mother and her auntie had all spent most of their lives and died in institutions. She intimated that her son, who must be older than me, lived with her still and that he also struggled with mental illness.

Despite the sad part of the conversation, we had a lovely chat out on the porch and then I went on my way to my next stop.

I'll go back by though. She was a gem.

Can I Have That?

I was taught to ask for nothing. My sweet mother did not know she was teaching me this. I expect she, too, was taught to ask for nothing.

When this behavior is absorbed it affects more in my life than you would realize. In customer service, I wouldn’t dream of getting a clerks attention. I would wait until they see me. There are times that it is appropriate, like when they are busy with someone else, and there are times it is not, like when they are doing a mundane task and don’t look up or when they are shooting the breeze with another employee and don’t bother to notice. Either way, I would stand and wait. Or, worse, after a time, I would get very angry and somewhat nasty when I was “forced” to speak up. If someone has forgotten something we've agreed to, I have a hard time reminding them we've done so. Or if I am owed money for whatever reason, I would have a difficulty bringing it up.

There are areas in my life this applies and areas it doesn’t and I can’t tell you exactly where there line is drawn but it’s knowledge lives inside me. I’ve never asked for a raise in my life (if I deserved it I would receive it) and rarely asked for a needed hug, a specific gift, sex, a vacation, or emotional support. 

I used to, on occasion, punish my significant other, or loved ones, for not meeting my unexpressed needs. I know that sound awful but it was a learned behavior that I have seen evidence of it in some of my siblings too. More recently, I am expressing my needs, asking for what I want and reaching out for support.

One of the basic tenets of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunction is that we cannot recover alone and in isolation. “WE USE THE STEPS, WE USE THE MEETINGS, WE USE THE TELEPHONE”. In other words we learn to know ourselves and start to heal, we go where there are other people that will know how we feel, and we learn to discern who is trustworthy and we reach out to them to form connection. 

We learn to ask for what we need.