Just For Awhile

I've been one poor correspondent. 

Breaking until after my move. I will be reading yours, of course.

See you next from Oregon!

Be well....

I Bid You Adieu

I had a final lunch with 3 ladies that I have been meeting regularly for about 7 years. I love the ladies. Each holds a special place in my heart. One of them took our final pic together and made a sweet post on Instagram saying goodbye and wishing us well on our journey. Some mutual acquaintances responded to the picture with well wishes. One of them, who I have known for a good 20 years, responded to the post by first asking where I was going and then responded to the answer by saying:

Well, thank you ma’am, not only for your well wishes but also for showing your narrow vision, closed  mindedness and your black and white thinking. 

First, you speak of “liberal” as if it was a dirty word. I am a confirmed, voting, dyed in the wool liberal and quite proud of the fact. It is my very personal belief that if Christ was among us, he would look a lot more like those “bleeding heart liberals” (extreme) than he would look like those Orange Tyrant loving, border closing, brown and black skin hating, capitol rioting, maskless, assault rifle carrying, safety net despising, big business loving conservatives (another extreme). Most of us, including me, sit slightly to the left and right of center. It would do us all well to remember that.

Second, it seems you believe all the bad things you hear about a place and then apply it like spreading peanut butter on your morning toast. Yes ma’am, Portland is known for leaning pretty far left but the state has many very conservative pockets with which even you might be incredibly comfortable. Like every other state, there is a mix of people and it would be smart to start finding what we have in common instead of tearing us apart. (That’s meant for myself as well)

Finally, I’m really looking forward to some rain. Its been awhile since the city we live in has had a drop of it and it feels like a dried up raisin. It will be a nice change. 

I wish you well.

I am not going with a completely full heart. It hurts a bit. But I plan to take my best attitude and a desire to build a community of people from every walk of life. That being said, I still believe that: 

Asking For A Friend

 Much better now. 

Good friends who hold you accountable and help lead you to a healing, happier place are worth their weight in gold. It took every bit of my will power to call her up and tell her I was not doing well. When I did, my best girlfriend didn’t say, “Yeah, you’re right to be mad. They’re such assholes.” She said your feelings are valid but are they true? She wanted to talk about the situation from both seats, theirs and mine.  Then she reminded me that I go out of my way to look OK on the outside and that the people who love me might not even know I am struggling. 

She was right and I am grateful.  

Ah Well

Careening in a direction I do not want to go, I try, with all my might, to put the brakes on. It’s useless effort as the forward motion will not be stopped. 

It hurts today, the leaving. Dinner with friends made it hurt more. They sat there talking about they’re summer lodge that they just left but will be going to very back soon. They will jet ski and water ski and hike the gorgeous mountains and have friends over. They casually mention that another friend is renting one of the 4 houses they own in town. They, with their kids all around, and the ability to afford to travel anywhere, at any time. Them knowing, more than most, why I am leaving. Of course they know, they are basically the reason I have to leave. Through one business decision, hundreds of lives are affected. I am one of the lucky ones since I have some equity and can use it. 

Yup, I’m having a big fat fucking pity party. I’m pissed off I'm leaving this town, this house, my girl, my friends, my family. I’m feeling old and tired.

I’ll get over it. It’s a moment and we all know moments don’t last. 

Fancy Meeting You Here

Since the pandemic hit most of the Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunction meetings have either suspended or gone to Zoom. The switch to Zoom has allowed us ACA’s to attend meetings from all around the world at any time, day or night.

A young gent who missed his own in-person meeting right after COVID began to compile a list of Zoom meetings that he found by doing google searches. He located a good calendar app, began to spread the word and it caught fire. Other people saw what he was doing and sent him requests to add their meetings and now, all over the world people are using a calendar called TeamUp that has the listings, times, subjects and links to readings and resources. It is a great idea so I volunteer my service to add, change and delete meeting listings along with 3 other people. I’ve yet to see a meeting from Russia, and not much from South America but surprisingly we’ve got Ho Chi  Minh, New Zealand and even Dubai  

Currently, my favorite meetings are as follows:

Monday @ 6am London, Tuesday @ 6am London, Wednesday @ 6:30 am Helsinki and Saturday @ 7:30 am in Munich. 

Each has its own theme, such as “Becoming Your Own Loving Parent” or “12 Steps”. I love and learn from them. Some of these meetings will go back to in-person soon, so I intend to enjoy for as long as I can. 

My Gigi

Today my girl moves out for what will, most likely, be the last time. It’s good. It’s time. 

I am grieving, just a little, that this is the end of the storyline and a new one will begin. Hers will now have me on the periphery, which is as it should be. I am sad for a number of reasons that are hard even to put into words. 

She’s a tough cookie who has, much of the time, handled the ins ands outs of having a dad with mental illness on her own. I’m here but she shoulders it herself. At times it has been way too much. That’s when she goes inside herself and I get very worried for her. This time she has a game plan that she worked out with someone she trusts. She knows who to call for emotional support and which local to call if need be. When he ends up in the hospital, not only does she worry but she also becomes his guardian. The first time it happened she was so young and did not know how to ask for help.  Older and wiser, even with a plan it won’t be easy. She adores the guy and he adores her back but mental illness can be a hard task master. 

All that being said, she is purposeful about the relationships she fosters, her career is heading in the right direction, she has built a community. She is following her passion. 

She has strong wings and wish I was staying to watch her fly. 

She is McKenna, KenKen, Kenna, Kennabunkport, Bobo, Sister, Macky just to name a few but Gigi is hers and mine and I love this girl to bits.

Book Club Notes

 As a teenager, life at home was tough. Thoughts of keeping a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and quieting the air of sadness took precedence over many other things. 

There was a disconnect with school. Starting a new high school, knowing no one was one thing but starting out way behind in my studies because of a bad case of hepatitis A made it that much harder. This girl was unhappy.

All that being said, I'm here to talk about the books and, in particular, East of Eden

All these years I couldn't understand why I had hated freshman, sophomore and junior year english. I hated the reading assignments. I thought the books were appalling and wondered why they were raved about. I finally understand. Good books are often very sad and, truthfully, my sadness cup was overflowing.

But we are just finishing up Steinbeck's East of Eden for our final book club entry and I must say that it is one of the most beautifully written books I have read in my 58 years. I am in awe. 

I would pepper you with quotes but there are too many. Suffice it to say that I repeatedly stopped the BoyScout in his tracks saying, "Wait, wait, read that again please", then, holding my breath, allow the words to waft like feathers, caressing unexpected emotions until they lightly fall to the earth.

The thing is, I have enough joy in my life to be able to see the beauty in the sadness. For that, I am grateful.