How What Why

Where did they come from
These waves and lines and creases
Reminding me of time that has passed
They weren’t there yesterday, they weren’t

How did they get here
These splats and splotches of warm brown
On a backdrop of creamy white
The sun is not your ally my young friends

When did it happen
As I lift my arm and notice
The looseness of the once taut skin
How odd to see it in the mirror attached to me

Why is it still here
My old friends: anger and fear
Did I say friends? I meant unwanted companions
Of all these things, I wish you gone the most

What do I need to do
Care for myself, be authentic
Stick to the program, forgiveness for all
Live and Let Live and One Day at a Time

I Will

I must stop reacting.

I had a set back the other day. My reaction, once again, overshadowed the negative behavior of someone else. Lord when will I learn?

I will learn. I will eventually get there. Little by little, I will learn to quiet the incredible anxiety that explodes out of me in an ugly way. I will, one day, be firm in who I am and where my boundaries lie....when I do, I will quietly enforce them, standing firm in the comfort of knowing when too far is too far FOR ME regardless how someone else views it.

Meanwhile, I am allowed to make mistakes. I am a imperfect human being that continues to try to be the best I can be. Despite my errors, I am:

a good friend
a good listener
a pretty good mom
a forgiving ex-wife
a person with empathy
a loving sister
a devoted daughter (despite being an orphan)
a good business woman
a partner who keeps trying

I am breathing, easing the anxiety, gaining back my serenity. Serenity is a beautiful thing.

I am wishing you peace today.

Dads and Non-Dads

My man didn’t get to be a father.  It was his hearts desire but it didn’t turn out that way.

He loves kids. Where ever we go, he takes joy in seeing them, interacting with them, making them smile.  Loving their spirits and making major allowances for the unhappy, crying child that I quickly become annoyed at. He loves seeing little girls in tutus and he talks to the boy in Walmart getting a bike for his birthday. He waves at all babies, plays peek a boo with any willing participant and knows that most of them seem to love his deep, rich voice. He tells them he likes their light up shoes or their superhero T-shirt. He reaches out to them at their level.

Would he have been a good dad? I don’t really know, for it is baptism by fire. But the other day, while talking to his best friend on the phone, and hearing only one side of the conversation, I think his friend may have said something to the effect of, “You're lucky you don’t have to deal with this” in regards to struggles with raising kids. For a moment, I felt angry on his behalf before remembering I did not really hear what was said and the Boy Scout didn’t seem to take it offensively so why should I. I know he would have liked the chance to be a dad but he doesn’t hold that broken dream in a spot and nurture the wound. He just wistfully accepts it. I’m in awe of that because I don’t know that I could be that person, not babying the bitterness of the loss.

Would he have been a good dad?  I don’t know. But I do know, for sure, that one day he will make a fabulous granddad. 

Do You?

The other day I followed my Boy Scout to work after a funeral. I just wanted to give him a kiss before we went on our merry ways. He's such a romantic, unlike me, and I thought he would appreciate the gesture.

Only he didn't go where I expected. He went somewhere he promised not to go. And then it happened again.

Now I am trying to not let anxiety rule my life and doing a pretty bad job at it. The thoughts in my head are, "You cannot trust anyone" or "Nobody truly cares for you or your need to feel secure", etc. On and on they go.

I logically know that it is an inside job to become secure and know that I can take care of myself.but, for some reason, I am not there yet. My Al-Anon program has taught me a few things but well all have setbacks.  I'll keep trying and will get there eventually.

Do you ever look at your partners phone? Do you ever question something that does not quite add up? Do you feel secure and safe?

Had It All

Hey Dad,

I was out working on the back patio listening Pandora (which I think you would like) when they played it. That song. How it brings back memories. I see you right now, wearing pressed jeans, one of those mock turtlenecks that was so popular back then. You are lean and tall, so very handsome, with just a trace of that belly that suggests that your diet is quite high in that very specific sugar that you have grown to love and need more and more. I didnt know about that then. I just see you, happy and probably tipsy. I see mom smiling at you, her long dark hair.....I still don’t know how she got it to be so puffy on top. She called it ratting but I never got the hang of it. How that woman loved you. How she needed you, but you couldn’t be that person.

We are all so broken pop, doing and saying things we wish we had or did not. I hope you are at peace now. Your choices left much to be desired for us as a family at the time but each of us, except for John, are doing ok.

I hope you are dancing as we hear this song together. You did a great funky chicken.

It’s So Easy

Things that are hard:

Remembering to find joy when you’re feeling afraid.
Trusting, trusting when the world doesn’t feel so trustworthy.
Watching your kids struggle and having to stand back and let it happen.
Not rescuing when it would be so easy to rescue.
Ignoring the feeling in my stomach that something isn’t right.
Remembering to work my program when I so want to do something else.

Things that are easy:

Loving.

Today, not much else.

No Longer “NUMB”

For my 47th birthday I got two concert tickets to see U2.  Truth be told, I don't like crowds, they make me uptight and nervous, but I was thrilled to be flying to Denver to see them

It was a thoughtful gift that the Secret Keeper knew I would really like. As it turned out, I did not make that concert in May of 2011. He could not go and although I might have thought to go With or Without Him;  my kids needed me at the time, it didn't seem like much fun to do that particular trip alone and, finally, he could not remember where he put the tickets.

That was 8 years ago, although it seems like 20.

We are in Another Time Another Place and things are no longer so Out of Control, no longer Bad, and I am One Step Closer. I just got two tickets to see U2 for my 55th birthday!!!!  We will not be in the city Where The Streets Have No Name nor in the City Of Blinding Lights...we will be in Paris...as in Paris France. I will be rocking in 55 with my very favorite poet, humanitarian and petit irishman (along with my Boy Scout who is the Sweetest Thing). Now I just have to Breathe and wait until September.

It is with Pride I tell you I will Walk On.....it's a Beautiful Day.

Ps. All I Want is You Boy Scout.