Monday, July 13, 2020

Happy Day

The other day I got a text from one of my sisters. It was inviting us to meet her, one of my other sisters and their spouses for lunch in my city. They had travelled up, 2 hours from where they live, to do some kayaking.

This sister and I have a very complicated relationship. There was a time we were the best of friends but not anymore. A lot of water, a lot of things said and done. It's not that I want it this way but I interact with her from a standpoint of woundedness. Even innocuous things said in a text can hurt. I am aware and process through those feelings, getting to a good spot pretty quickly. 

It was good to see them all. Conversation was light and easy. They seemed genuinely happy to see me and we caught up quickly on kids and grandkids. My mom would have been pleased. When we departed, them to go back to kayaking and us to return home, I felt delighted to have seen them and to come away without any new wounds. 
The three of us at a wedding.
The three of us at my niece's wedding.

I wish I knew how to fix it but I don't so I let it be.

Sunday, July 12, 2020

Are You Light?


Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you.


The direction I am heading. Looking for good, being a force for good. trying my best to be extravagant and unconditional in my love. The base requirement is a whole lot of self love. Self love is hard, especially for this old broad who has had a whole lot of self loathing for a good many decades. 

As my past expands and my future contracts, there is not much more important to me than getting this spiritual stuff worked out. It's the right time to figure out what is truly important and work towards inner peace. Why is it the right time? It's all I got.... right now. How I wish I had done this work 30 years ago when I was a young mom.

Youth, so often, is looking in the short term. Feel good now. Unfortunately, it can be hard to see that what is put on the front burners on high heat will soon burn out or evaporate entirely. What is left is unpalatable. The smaller, seemingly less important items, get put on the back burners and are essentially ignored until they are needed to get through a tough spot. Those are the things that life if really made of.

So, how is your light? 

Tuesday, July 7, 2020

Has It Hit Close To Home?

About 4 years ago my youngest, who loves cars, found herself a mechanic who turned out to be a bit of a surrogate father. Kevin is my age and has grown boys of his own but he has looked out for my girl in sweet ways, helping with her cars, advising her what to buy (even though she didn't listen), and being a go to when things have been rough, offering her rides when her car broke down, etc.  He came into her life at a sweet time. Her dad, who she adores, was unable to be a dad in the true sense. In fact, being that she is the only sibling that is local, she oftens times has to care for him rather than the other way around.

For the last few years, she has said that she wants to marry a man like Kevin.

The other day she told me that he had been very sick and then found out he has COVID19. He is on the mend but it has been a long, rocky, rough road.

Kevin is the one and only person that I know that has contracted the virus. Being that we had close to 7,000 new cases just yesterday, I don't think he will be the last.

How about you? Do you know anyone who has had the virus?

Sunday, July 5, 2020

What Really Happened?

The 4th was not as expected. Pandemic, being what it is, has change much.

I would have spent it alone but, at the last minute, the man got the night off. We hit some balls at the driving range, got a nice lunch downtown, which had been blocked off for pedestrians only, with noticeably more people wearing masks. A few more errands and then home for a snooze. I puttered in the garden and then the Boy Scout prepared the pozole for dinner. 

There was a little shadow that is the mom that no longer has the kids to do minor holidays with but that shadow, like Peter Pan's, tried hard to stay hidden. I reached out to my siblings to wish them all a happy 4th and found that two of my sisters were spending the holiday together, playing cards and sharing meals. My shadow became less opaque, increasing in size, making sure she was seen when I turned quickly or looked down. In a effort to dull the ache we headed off to get some frozen yogurt. I's a temporary salve for a scraped shin but I am not above it.

As I start to pull away from the house,  I look in the rearview mirror, I realize that the neighbors on each side of us, the ones that we are having regulars get togethers with, are getting together but without us. At that point the shadow decided to rise above me, much like an umbrella. I tried to figure why. I wondered to the man, "Do drinkers not like getting together with non-drinkers?". Am I a potential party pooper? 

I knew it was playground fodder. I knew under different circumstances I would not give it a single thought but not then. I spent about an hour or so trying hard to figure out why I was feeling that way, why I was throwing away my power and worth by wondering what was wrong with me. The man gave me space to work it out. I wrestled that bitch but got to the place of self love and we went on with evening. 

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Is It You?

Happy 4th to my co-Americans. Happy Saturday to the rest of you♥

I've been developing a friendship with a gent from my ACA meetings. We went on a hike the other day and while I enjoy myself thoroughly, he, at times, gets way too new age for my brain to comprehend. That's ok. I can either focus on those moments where I feel like I need a doctorate in philosophy, physics and ancient Chinese culture in order to understand what he is saying or I can focus on the nuggets of gold threaded into the foreign language that he occasionally speaks.

The other day's hike was spectacular, with some water and amazing views. On this incredibly clear day, we were overlooking the Pacific Ocean and the cities of Santa Barbara, Montecito and Carpinteria.

One of the nuggets of gold my friend supplied was an affirmation that I have started to use when my brain is telling me to be unhappy about something. THAT'S NOT ME. I can focus on the one shitty driver or the hundreds of other cars around minding their business and being courteous. If my thoughts go somewhere negative, I can redirect and remind myself that I am here to be joyful. I get to choose. So when the brain starts down an unhappy path....THAT'S NOT ME will be my response whenever possible.

It's a practice.

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

A Fork In The Road

We've been discussing a vacation, possibly next summer. The theme, for the most part, has been Italy. I have never been and the Boy Scout is eager to share it with me. 

BUT......and it is a big but.....we just got news that son #2 may be spending a couple of years in Scotland. Now, I don't get to see any of my kids enough (even the one that lives at home), but the idea of flying 12 hours to spend time in a beautiful European country but not see my kid that is only a couple of hours away, seems ludicrous.

Luckily, the Boy Scout shifts gears easily. He has gone from flying into Milan to see The Last Supper, spending days in Venice etc etc. to flying into Edinburgh, golfing at such and such, seeing this castle, going to that pub. His seque was flawless.

I, on the other hand, don't start to dream until the event is decided for sure. The money, the dogs, my work, not wanting to be disappointed, all weigh heavy on me. Not to mention that I  have seen very little of this world. That fact makes it hard to cement any decision. So hard to choose.  I have to psych myself up for it all.  

My son and his partner may end up in England (Boy Scout all ready with contingencies) since she has not heard back from all the schools she has applied. Apparently, his partner can get her graduate degree far cheaper in the UK than in America, even factoring in the expense of picking up and moving. My son may even be able to keep his Portland based job while there. 

Truthfully, Italy pulls at my heart a bit stronger but only because this ole gal really doesn't like to be cold. And don't forget, being born and bred in Southern California, cold to me means ANYTHING under 68 degrees (20C). I prefer a nice steady 85 (29C) with a light breeze.
 So I get this
Cold Scotland

I know, I know.....I am exaggerating. It would be summer but, just the same, I am acclimated to a pretty toasty climate. My body loves the warmth.

We shall see. Who knows where we will end up with the world the way it is. 

All I really have is today.

Sunday, June 28, 2020

The Best Laid Plans

I did it. I planned a little social distance party. I don’t plan many parties but our neighbor retired from teaching recently.  In this crazy time I thought it would be fun to surprise her with a little shindig. I didn’t go to a lot of trouble. A banner and some little tissue lanterns, set up the tables with space in between, cleaned the yard as much as possible. It was all set. 

Alas, it was not meant to be. The last minute, the guest of honor had to cancel. Dog had a hurt foot, needed her attention, couldn’t be left alone. Ah well.  I get it. 

The rest of us still got together. We still had a bunch of fun. 

We’ll go over and give her our gifts tomorrow. I really don’t like throwing parties 🎉