Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Let's Rethink This

Sing it sister! While she makes complete and utter sense it still comes down to "I am an individual citizen of this country. Allow me to make the best choice for me". 

Meanwhile....I think that I may have found cartoon this on fellow blogger Bob's site, I Should Be Laughing. His blog is fun, cheeky and covers a wide variety of subjects. Check it out.

How is it that people are blind to the shortsightedness of  "You must have it, now you are on your own and do not expect help from us."?

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Getting Up There

My sweet lil dog is getting old. We’ve been taking her to the dog park nearly every day for a number of years. She loves it so much. She is ball focused and never plays with other dogs except when they take her ball, at which point she dogs them around the park until they drop it and then she comes back.

She’s so incredibly feisty that she nearly always gets to the ball first no matter who is going after it. But lately she’s either worn herself out so much that she has to come home to sleep the rest the day or she runs after the ball and a leg will give out and she skids and rolls. And a few days ago she came home with a bad limp that hasn’t let up much. Nothing, and I mean nothing, stops this little dog.

Last week we just realized that it is taking too much of a toll on her old body. We left her home, standing at the back door, which is glass, staring at us with a look of betrayal. We took Scruffy up to the park for her fun and necessary exercise. When I got home, Sophie was on her bed in the living room. She did not get up to greet me with excitement and adulation as she does EVERY other time I walk in. She laid there and looked at me! I walked up, she smelled my hand and she turned her head. The uncomfortable feeling of guilt seeped through me and I can’t tell her it’s for her own good. My sweet little clown.

My old girl warming her bones in the sun 🌞 

Sunday, May 19, 2019

Heart Squeeze

Two years ago on a chilly March night, on the way home from a late movie, a dog ran into a dark but busy and large intersection.  We opened our car door and she jumped in, moved to the back seat and promptly fell asleep.

The next few days, this sweet sweet girl, settled into our life while we tried to find her home. Eventually, we surmised that she was abandoned after a number of puppy litters, 30 lbs underweight, but tender hearted and fairly well trained.

It was not the right time for us, but I had reconnected, through Facebook, with my childhood neighbor who happened to not only have recently lost a family pet but also had a lifetime love affair with boxers. We met halfway between Ventura and San Diego, where my friend introduced the sweet girl to her son. The decided to take her home with them.

It has been heartwarming to watch “Rozee” become a integral part of their family and to be so well taken care of.
Rozee and her boy

 Do you have a rescue story?

Friday, May 17, 2019

Just Love

Work has been in flux for far too long.

These days, I find myself in more work related meetings than I want to be doing and the frustration builds on so many levels.

First of all, they are phone meetings with multiple people. Under normal circumstance that has its own issues but with severe hearing loss I find that my body hates the meetings even more than I do. More often than not, I get off the phone and just sit and cry. Perhaps to release the tension of the challenges of the meeting, keeping up on current technology and jargon, etc. But also because as time goes on, I struggle more and more to distinguish what is being said and by whom. By the time I hang up, my body is so tense that I am forgetting to breathe.

Pushing the red button on my iPhone, I rip the damn earbuds out, take a deep breathe and sob for just a little while.

It's ok. I don't beat myself up for it. I am not being dramatic or immature, I am releasing frustration, stress and accepting that "out of control" feeling that I hate so much.

I'm glad I have an ACoA meeting tonight with a group of people I have grown to love and who have helped me grow as a person. Some meetings don't make me hold my breath and it's ok if I can't hear. Nobody needs anything from me, there are no wrong answers....just love.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Move Forward in Peace

Then Mom touches Elsa's hand and tries to make the question sound as if it is not so terribly important, just something she thought of spontaneously. "What do you have from me?" 

Elsa stands in silence. Mom looks despondent. "I was just...well, you know, you said you had inherited certain things from your Grandmother and from your father, and I was just thinking, you know...". She goes silent, ashamed of herself as mothers are when they realize that they have passed that point in life where they want more from their daughters than their daughters want from them. 

And Elsa put her hands over her moms checks and says mildly, "Just everything else Mom, I just have everything else from you".

              ~My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry

It happens so slowly. So much so that it is similar to the frog in the frying pan, where it is subtle enough that you don't realize it has happened until it is too late. But it is how it should be.

I have a friend who insinuates herself ferociously into her children's lives. It handicaps her kids from moving forward and it falsely fills my friend's time, destined to, at some point, reach a brink that she will tumble into.

Life is far more lovely when I don't fight what is natural and good, so I shall not fight.

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Sniff Sniff

Alright friends, I've done some crying and am dealing with the ache in my heart.

Now I am going to be the mom I most desire. I am going to arm myself with the tools that one learns as they raise their kids. Those tools that taught us to allow our kids to branch out and possibly fail, standing on the sidelines, cheering or applying bandages. I will help and support wherever I am asked. With a smile on my face I will help pack up a little apartment, support choices I have no weight in, put those two kitties in the cages they hate and help get those two young people ready for their next adventure.

It's ok. Well it's not that ok but I can do this. I can.

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Mad About...,,

Today I’m angry.

I’m angry that life hasn’t turned out the way I had planned. I’m angry at that addict that turned everything upside down. I’m mad that all my kids have to leave this fucking town and I wonder why I have to stay. What is the point when you can’t have your family around?

It’s ok though

I know it’s not really anger but grief and I know that it’s normal and will dissipate over time but, for now, I will sit in it. Not wallowing but feeling and not telling myself it’s stupid to feel this way. Recognizing that its normal to feel the loss of a child leaving.

Tomorrow is another day.