An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I've met someone! Not to worry, it is not a rival for my affections. Boy Scout is just fine. I've had a couple of "dates" with a gal I met recently and this little introvert's heart, that has been so lonely for friendship since moving to Portland, is beginning to fill again.  I've never needed a lot of friends. To be honest, the idea of fostering many good friendships is exhausting to me. I keep most people at a secondary or even third circle away. People I like a lot and will chat with, not necessarily avoid when I see them at a store, and enjoy the interaction thoroughly. Still, there is something that tells me that they don't belong on the inner circle. Few do. I put a lot of effort into those people and am glad to do it. That effort drains my energy but I come away so glad I did. It's quite like a good bit of exercise: you know it's good for you, you feel great afterwards but it doesn't mean you aren't physically drained in the process.

While visiting California, something inside urged me to stop by my former brother-in-law at his place of business. Craig is tall and lanky, and when I look at him I can still see that young man who ran track in high school and desired a big family. I thought he might be retired but there he was, sitting at the same spot that he has sat at for the last 35 years, working away. I knocked on the door and went in. He did not expect me, did not recognize me for a few seconds, and then the look of surprise. He’s a serious guy, not outwardly expressive, so the lack of enthusiasm didn’t put me off.  We caught up. He did not know the Boy Scout and I had moved to Portland. I did not know he has a girlfriend who has grandchildren that call him grandpa. That made me smile. It was light hearted.   I switch gears, expressing my hope that he was well. He smiled with a look of regret and said,  “Well, I knew my life was over when they took her away in handcuffs”.  “Her” is Dana, my ex-husbands sister.

Back from out trip. It was amazing and amazingly fast. Not nearly enough time to do all that we needed or wanted to do but we did what we could. It was a comfort to know that as we headed back to Oregon, we both felt that we were headed "home". This last year and three months have been tumultuous and heartbreaking but there have been many good things that have emanated from the chaos. Boy Scout and I have taken our relationship to a level that I, with my damaged heart and severed trust, never thought would happen. We are stronger and more solid than we have ever been before. I chock some of that up to a renewed and flourishing relationship with myself. Loving myself is a far better foundation than building on another person. I can love him, and others, much more freely as I develop a genuine like for the person I am, not despite all my flaws, but because of them. I am perfectly imperfect. We decided to put a ring on it. Nope, we didn't get married but we did have a little

As I sit in my morning spot, contemplating my trip back to California, back to my girl and my family and friends, I am in awe that I know I love it here in Oregon. It feels good to be able to, despite what is missing, call it home. Boy Scout is busy, following his passion into landscaping, meeting interesting people along the way. I am envious of his journey but so very happy to watch him become a man that he is truly proud of.  I have hope. Hope that my community will come, that I will develop the relationships my heart desires. Hope that I keep growing and finding what I am grateful for, keeping  that as my focus rather than what is missing. Hope that despite the distances, I will continue to figure out how to remain connected and close to my children. Hope for this country will eventually heal from the hate, ugliness and fear that is so prevalent and baffling.  Leaving home tomorrow to go back to the community I left behind. It will be good to visit.

The other night the Boy Scout invited me to an event at a local business, Milwaukie Floral, that has a monthly “Curators Market”. It brings together small businesses, without store fronts, to a place to sell their wares and make themselves known in the community, as well as the opportunity to mingle and create. Each month the owners pick a drink and about 15 people can sign up to learn how to create it. Clearly, it’s less about the drink and more about sitting around the table and having a good time. Each place setting is set up with treats from the participating vendors like nuts, honey, sugars and baked goods. It’s a great little event. Boy Scout has been invited to host the next one, which will be strawberry mojitos, so he wanted to check this one out.  While I’ve been coming out of my social shell over the last few years, these kind of events can still be awkward for me. But he wanted me to tag along, so I did. When we arrived, I quickly spotted that there was not a setting for me.

This morning I am feeling the ache of wanting to be with family, to connect. When I studied these feelings for a minute I realize it is the weather. This morning is chilly, with a very light cloud cover, but even with the clouds it promises to be the 2nd warm day we’ve had in months, yesterday being the 1st. Something about the sky, the chill, the clouds, the wafting smell of bacon, takes me back to childhood, camping at Lake McClure. I remember waking inside the tent, the chill in the air, needing to pee, hating to go to the bathrooms alone, desperately searching out my flip flops, as one didn’t enter those bathrooms without foot protection, trying hard to be quiet…don’t wake everyone. Once the morning chill wore off, watch out! Each day was a scorcher. Shoes were now necessary to prevent 3rd degree burns on the bottom of our feet. The only relief was the water and that’s where we stayed. Whether swimming or out in the beautiful speckled colored boats, water was heaven. I’m not sure w