Big Plans

 Isn’t it odd how we end our teen years and start our adult lives thinking we have to plan things out, plotting our futures using either the excellent tools our parents supplied us with or the complete for-shit set of tools we acquired because they themselves didn’t have any to begin with. 

Off we go with dreams of how it “our lives” will turn out with the ever so careful choices we made.

At some point comes the awareness that it really didn’t matter, those choices we made, because, in reality, we were never driving the bus. And some of us, we didn’t even get a seat. We were hanging on to the bumper wondering if we were going to have the strength to keep holding on. 

Finally, if we’re lucky, we get off, we let go. But it hurts to let go, to surrender, to realize that our choices really don’t drive, affect maybe, but not drive. 

There’s an ache and so much damn fear that comes with the letting go. Perhaps because all the energy we put into hanging on to the bumper has to go somewhere….at least for a while.  

I think a Book of Surrender would be a great idea. Surrendering what we never really had any control over. Living in the present, accepting the here and now. 

I’m feeling sad this morning or maybe it’s nostalgia.  I must get my Feelings Wheel out and dig a little deeper. It’s ok. I can be sad. It will pass. It always does. I work the rest of the day.

I’ve got no plans for tomorrow. I’ll just let it happen.