An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I saw a TedTalk that I really liked. It talks about choosing the chair you are going to sit in when you respond to feeling slighted, angry or hurt. Owning your response to any given situation and changing the outcome. It is so easy to react, not slow down to think things through and respond with the goal of a good outcome. You may have this down pat but I sure don't. If you don't, take a look.

From better days when they were buddies. My dogs are fighting....really fighting. When we got the puppy, our Frenchie Sophie would put Scruffy in her place but Scruffy gave the proper respect and nothing more happened. One day about three weeks ago, Scruffy had enough and fought back. Frenchies are tough, tenacious beings so now, when they are together, we have a fight. A big fight. All three of us humans have been bruised and bit trying to break the fights up. The fact of the matter is, this Frenchie is 9 years old. She has arthritis and a bad leg, but does she give in? Oh no, it's a fight to the death. Scruffy ends us with Sophie in her mouth and shaking her violently. It is very upsetting, leaves me shaking and wondering where it will end. My sister tells me she had a friend who, for 7 years, had to make sure her two dogs did not SEE each other! Lord, this is untenable. I've got a call into a behaviorist that is, wait for it......$175.00 for one freakin hour. Bu...

As my world gets quieter, the people around me are affected almost as much as I am. Sometimes it is hard for me to know if I have turned something up too loud. Sometimes I know it is too loud but I am unable to make out what is being said for lack of clarity. Upping the volume can often help in that situation. Today, a person in my office building came over and pounded loudly on my door (and I heard it). He said that he was frustrated at having to listen to whatever is playing in my office. Unfortunately, I frequently have something playing as it seems lessens the intensity of the tinnitus. I apologized and was going to explain and realized he just didn't want to hear it. "I'll be more careful", I said. He huffed. I get it, I look perfectly normal. No one would suspect that I am somewhat handicapped, disabled, other abled....however you want to say it, I don't look it. Be that as it may, I am more and more becoming unable to hear. And yet, my body, brain an...

I rent a small office in a building that houses a total of 50 offices of various sizes. It also included a fully equipped kitchen, a small gym and a number of bathrooms. I've grown to like it. The rent is reasonable, a cleaning crew cleans nightly and it is maintain pretty well. Being an early riser, I get to work anywhere from 5:00 to 6:00 am. It's kind of lovely as this place is absolutely dead quiet when I arrive. No bleary eyed good mornings or grumpy grunts, just little ole me. What surprises me is that after I have been here 3 hours, I can go walk around and realized that it is still empty! People don't come to work at 8:00 here. They start trickling in around 9:00 and the parking lot is full by 10:00. I love getting in, getting out and getting on with my day or early evening. Not so much the people I co-toil with. They more meander. Are you a get-it-done and go type, or do you meander?

So many people I talk to these days tell me they feel certain that current POTUS will be reelected. Each time I hear this I feel despair and a more anxiety. It seems to grow exponentially. I don't like having such a big stake in something that I have absolutely zero control over. I need a new perspective....breathe. I am borrowing the worst possible outcome, not trusting the system that I have always believed in because so many men and women that have been voted in the public are shirking their duties and twisting what I have come to believe is the American Way. Tolerance, brotherhood, service, honesty. We have traded much of that for a nasty lot this time around. I am especially concerned with other countries affecting or attempting to affect the outcome of our "fair" elections. This has been well documented for 2016. 187 criminal charges, plea deals from numerous people close to the POTUS, 38 Russian nationals or linked individuals have been charged with crim...

I get a little nutty when it comes to my credit score. I am pretty sure that it stems from the financial insecurity and poverty the plagued my family once my father left the family home. That damn score is the tangible approval from an outside source that I am being responsible, keeping things in order, making sure that I never go hungry again. Do not ask me how I make those connections but I do, however arbitrary or contrived those connections are. I use a credit card for just about EVERYTHING and I pay it off monthly no matter what. I've used those miles to pay for one European vacation for 6 people and for much of another for two. But my credit card has a "service" that tells me day in and day out what my credit score is. I watch as it ebbs up and ebbs down and it triggers that feeling in me of panic that, somehow, I might have made a mistake. A company that exists somewhere in the either for all I know, tells me that I've been irresponsible or hands out the...

Aca (Adult Children of Alcoholics) talks a lot about recreating childhood chaos. I’ve always known that as the “at home feeling”. It says that many of us are ill-at-ease with the peace that might become a part of our lives and that we subconsciously will find ways to recreate our “at home feeling”. I hate the idea, and yet, I’m pretty sure I do it on occasion. Life can be going fairly smoothly and my brain will tell me there’s something wrong and that it needs to be fixed. It’s a pretty nasty piece of work made worse by the fact that I am completely unaware that it’s happening. Luckily, I have a program and support, some tools and my higher power to help me in the process of changing. I want peace to prevail even if my brain is still searching out the chaos of my parental home. 

The other night, right after a meeting, I got a bite to eat at the bar where the Boy Scout is working. I sat in the corner of the bar and on my left was Carol, a woman in her mid-60s that comes to the bar just to see my guy. She acknowledge me when I took my seat and then proceeded to turn in her chair with her back to me and, to be fair, I think she was enjoying the company of the gentleman next to her. Being an introvert, I was OK with it. Once in a while something was said and she would tilt her head my way and reply or glance but otherwise I was looking at her ponytail. The person on her left finished up and exited. The Boy Scout came over and engage the two of us in conversation then went on his merry way. Carol now decided that she would talk to me. She turned to me and said, “You know, I told (Boy Scout) that being a bartender is the best way to meet women”.  “Oh really”, I replied. “Oh yes”, she says, “he’s good looking, articulate and the best thing in the room because ...

He approached me from the sidewalk. Thin, quite angular, spare in his movements, with a shock of white hair. While his clothes looked well worn, they were clean. He could’ve easily been mistaken for an aging environmentalist and, for all I know, he is. But he started talking about the lottery first. Told me how one should play Fantasy5 because the others pulled from more numbers. He started spouting off statistics, something about Farmers Insurance and how much money you and 5 of your friends would get if you won the lottery. Then, when you win, you go to Bank of America and put your money in a box and wait until someone who is getting a divorce and is selling a 1965 muscle car. He will need the money so you can pick it up for $6,000 and sell it for $15,000. I made some assumptions about this man and felt a little nervous but then I tried hard to see him as person and not a label. It kind of worked. I was still being cautious but I stayed and listened. He told me that we women nee...

Forgive me for... wanting you to fix the discomfort I am feeling vomiting out my truth, in the hopes that you might have words of wisdom to take these feelings away, never once considering that you would now carry a burden that is not yours to carry not owning and dealing like the emotionally healthy person I so desire to be throwing my anxiety on anyone who might be close by, guilt by proximity having an inner child that needed more than the inner parent had to give, so she looked outside

BEST COLBERT EVER

“We don’t become our wisest selves without effort. Our growth requires us to become skilled in perspective taking, in managing our emotions, in crafting positive narratives, and in forming intimate relationships. We develop the skills of building joy, gratitude, and meaning into every day. By learning these lessons, we cultivate emotional resilience. ~Mary Pipher, Women Rowing North I love the idea of being able to grow and change still at 55. So many people hit adulthood and then go on cruise control, and while they still take in facts, perhaps know more about the world, in the important areas like emotional resilience, gratitude and intimacy, they remain stagnant. As if the act of becoming an adult, turning 18 or 21, formed who you essentially are and there is nothing more to be done in the arena. I am very interested in the positive narrative. Looking at situations that anger, confound or frustrate, then trying to see them from a different point of view. Not making ugly assu...

Megan Rapinoe said, "I'm not going to the fucking White House". Some took that as the ultimate offense but did they look at why she said what she did? We have a president who has repeatedly made comments that objectify women in the worst ways (*see below). In a time where we had been moving forward in our society, becoming more accepting, even if slowly, we are now taking great strides backwards on many levels. Megan is gay woman. Please tell me why in the world anybody thinks this lady should pay her respects to this president? What has this man done to deserve it? Just holding an office is not enough. We have had and still have world leaders that deserve not ONE IOTA of respect.  Over and over again, he has made it clear how the most valuable aspect of a woman is her looks. He would date his own daughter because... "Yeah, she's really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren't happily married and, ya know, her  father...  ,"   In addit...

I feel like such a shit today. A few days ago my little one (who is not little) brought home a kitten she found abandoned in a parking lot. She giggled with her girlfriend when she told me she brought it home.  I said "NO". She will be moving out soon after graduation. She would have a difficult time finding a place that would take a cat. I DO NOT want a cat right now. I do not want to end up with it. I think she thought I would change my mind. Meanwhile she set about trying to find it a home, as the kitten stunk up the room and the tiny house, brought in more fleas than the two dogs put together and she grew more and more attached. Yesterday, she came home early to drop the cat off at a foster home, had something close to a panic attack because of timing and stress, fell apart at the woman's house and cried so hard she could barely breathe, committed to a friend to cut his hair, had a girlfriend that needed her love and attention and, on top of all that, had a b...

Truthfully, the 4th has never been quite the same for me since the kids went on to do their own thing. It always seemed like such a kid holiday. But this year, we took it back. It was a full day. Worked for a few early hours, ran up to Santa Barbara for a great day of golf with one very long time friend and one fairly new one, then rushed home just in time to run next door for a BBQ with our neighbors. It was fantastic. Great food, good people, we sang, talked of past and future and just had a great time. Not a single child to be seen and that was OK. Hope your 4th was super too.

This morning your absence washes over me and squeezes my heart. It's temporary and we will have a new and loving normal but not yet. That being said, I recognize that that is just my portion and that your portion is an exciting journey, a personal adventure with loads of potential for new places and people and opportunities. That makes me happy because your happiness is at the top of my heart. Funny how we can be happy and sad at the same time.

It squeezes the body tight Aching when I inhale Emotion takes a pound of flesh from this body So interconnected It is suppose to happen I'm told it's inevitable Truthfully, it just doesn't feel natural The breaking of proximity It is an old story but today it's my own Tomorrow another day, life goes on Just breathe baby, breathe