An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Adjusting to life one handed and on the mend.  No surgery so I'm a happy girl. Cannot type worth crap so I think Ill take a bit of a break from blogging and stick to reading yours. Have a great Thursday

The melancholy that has settled in during the holidays for the last 5 or 6 years has descended like a light mist. It’s become a bit of an old friend I suppose. I’ve decided not to fight it overly much.  My boy left for the Bay Area after a few days visit, I’ll see him in another month. How are we supposed to get used to saying goodbye?  The Joy that once filled my heart when putting up Christmas lights the day after Thanksgiving is muted & somewhat jagged. Perhaps it’s partially because of a dream put away or maybe a bit because thanksgiving wasn’t really an easy holiday this year. Don’t get me wrong the food was good and it was great to see the people I love but it was complicated. Complicated by my wrist being broken and by a relationship in transition. I’m growing… my soul is maturing, healing and part of me just wonders if I’m where I’m supposed to be. I don’t have to have the answers now, it’s OK. But I kind of wish I did. This is just today. Tomorrow will be b...

Guess who just got out of peeling potatoes? Putting up some outdoor lights when a horrible little shrub of unknown nature accosted me in a most vicious way. I fought valiantly but, alas, the shrub won and vanquished me from my perch (ladder). I thought to myself ROLL except I was a few milliseconds too late as I was already horizontal with one arm beneath me making an odd left turn. While I’m in pain, it could have been much worse. I find out Tuesday wether I will need surgery or not. 

I've taken to Twitter and am enjoying myself. I've blocked everyone I know and am using it as a platform to say exactly what I think about politics and the political situation that our country is in at the moment. I don't want to argue with anyone. I don't want to debate. I pipe in whenever my heart desires. I encourage and express outrage and, in doing so, feel a little more peace or control. When I was still married, I felt crazy. Addicts and alcoholics are good at making their loved ones feel crazy. They say and do anything to justify what they are doing even if it makes no sense at all. This president of ours makes me feel much the same. Leaving me scratching my head, thinking, "Did he just say what I think he did?" or "Does he really believe any of us think that is the truth?". In the chaos and insanity, I get to state my truths of the day even if just to myself: The free press is not the enemy of the people Paradise not Pleasure Rak...

Last night my man was at work when a young couple with a little girl came in sometime near closing at 9:00. They sat at the bar....... "They sat at the bar" could be the start of a good joke but this is no joke at all. The man ordered a double brandy and the woman, a vodka. I don't think he said what the little girl got. The man was LOUD and for my man, who is loud, to say someone is loud means they were probably obnoxiously loud. They finished their drinks and the gent ordered another. The woman loudly said, "NO", but he got his 2nd when she decided she needed her second. A bit later she ordered shots and the little girl sat.  Eventually, the couple was asked to leave, at which point they asked the Boy Scout where the nearest bar was. They were off to drink some more; little girl in tow. My only hope is that there is someone in this little girl's life that is loving and caring. Studies clearly show that children who survive and do OK in the face of d...

Went to a protest last night. I really enjoyed it; we made plans for the next one. There was a great sense of camaraderie as we held up our signs, waved to the drivers and passers by. NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW was the theme of the night. Not angry. Not vindictive. Just a fact. NO ONE is above the law....even if they think they are the law. According  to a Vox article dated 10/10/18: Special counsel Robert Mueller’s team has indicted or gotten guilty pleas from 32 people and three companies — that we know of. That group is composed of four former Trump advisers, 26 Russian nationals, three Russian companies, one California man, and one London-based lawyer. Six of these people (including now all four former Trump aides) have pleaded guilty. I am not sure how one could still be calling this a witch hunt and yet they do.

Trying to expand my reading. Would like to know three of your favorite blogs and what you love about them. 

Another one.  This one close to home. 12 souls. My girl dances there on occasion. When will this ever end?  How do our lawmakers keep acting as if this is not a gun problem? NRA needs to die from lack of funding. Tired of them buying our politicians. Tired of the killing. Tired.  

Standing, facing a wall of various tools, I am searching for the object of my quest. Not seeing it, I move over one section and stare over a mans shoulder, still not seeing what I need. The man, maybe 10 years older than me, says, without so much as a glance, “You look like you’re looking for something”. I laugh and say, “So do you”. He turns and asks what I’m looking for. Missing the compulsory uniform, I mention that he does not look like an employee but he has started walking, telling me to follow. He walks up and down the tool aisles without luck. Finally, he asks an emplyee. I’m standing there as he is told that he will find staple guns on aisle 3. I thank the clerk and start to the other side of the store when I realize I still have my companion. He flirts a bit then finally says, “I can hear it now....when they ask how we met, we will tell them it was over screwdrivers and hammers”. We got to aisle 3 and an employee took over and my companion disappeared into the sea of home ...

People have to tell their stories Elsa or they suffocate. ~Alf - My Grandmother Asked Me To Tell You She's Sorry That is how I see the new people that come to their first few ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings. It's necessary to be heard and ACA meetings accept whatever you say no matter what you say. No CrossTalk. Being heard feels good at first but if you don't do some work, eventually it does you no good. If we all healed just by talking, the world would be a far better place. Those talkers usually stop showing up. The desperate, like I was, stay, because anything is better than where you are.  After a good long time, when I finally got the courage to say something I told my story. I needed to hear it out loud. I needed it to be audible because I still couldn't believe that what had happened was true. A fable, a work of fiction or someone else's life....not mine. I don't need to tell it anymore. It is just a story...it is not me. ...

Did you learn how to fight? Not physical fighting....the healthy kind. Did someone teach you that you can disagree, be angry or hurt and what to do with those feelings? I never learned that. I am learning now, at 55, to deal with those feelings but it is not easy. When my partner does something that angers or hurts me, I tend to punish and threaten to banish instead to sitting down and explaining how much his actions hurt or angers me. I can be reactionary. It's not all that pleasant for me and I can imagine that it is not at all pleasant for him. But I am aware and I am working on it because I want to be a good partner but, mostly, I just want to be a good me with a ton more peace. So, did you learn how to fight? Do you React or Respond? Do you stick up for yourself or do you take on someone else's anger just to placate and diffuse the situation?

In the middle of the night the tinnitus in my right ear changed. The deep, windy roar is still there. The slightly higher pitch is layered over that. And now, I am hearing my heartbeat. A loud pulsating, swishing sound is pounding in my ear and it's driving me mad. I can even hear my arrhythmia when it is acting up. It's been so long since I have heard quiet that I don't remember what that is like. Each time a new sound is added into the tinnitus, something from the world is taken away. Another thing I will never hear again. I know I will get used to it just like the others. I know I will learn to live with it too. But I just want to sit and cry for awhile. I remember grieving is ok. We all grieve big and small things. I suppose this is small in the big picture but it doesn't feel that way right now.

Whatever you want to call them, I just had my latest mammogram.  I learned a few things today. I had always assumed that because my breasts are nearly NON-EXISTENT that I didn’t have much to worry about in regards to cancer. I just figured that any lump would be incredibly easy to spot, so that it would likely be caught early. Not the case at all. It depends far more on what type of breast you have: fatty, scattered fibroglandular, heterogeneously dense or extremely dense. The mammogram will spot a lump in a fatty breast far easier than the others because the others are made up of material that can sort of hide cancer in the screening. Good to know. I might be able to spot a lump easier myself but not so much the machine. Nowadays, they have ultrasound screening that can augment the regular mammogram for those with the breasts made of dense material. All my life I thought, “Well, yeah, I’m pretty flat but those gorgeous things that guys love so much could...

There are times when we allow someone else to be the measuring stick of our value. We take how we are treated or what is said and internalize it; give it credence it does not merit. I have done it many times, especially with those I love. In reality, our value comes from within and if we are giving that right or responsibility to someone else, it's time to take it back! I am working on that. Recently, that effort was strengthened as I watched someone very dear to me hand their value to two people who did not deserve to hold it. They are not bad people, not cruel or especially unkind but they had not earned the right to pipe in, whether with words or actions, to the beholders value. And, in fact, perhaps they were completely unaware that they were affecting my beloved.  If one is not taught their value is from "just being" from a young age then it is going to be a hard lesson to learn as this world can be genuinely tough. We then start to try to earn it. I don't w...