An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Yesterday, I was having a sweet little chat with my girl. We talked about lots of things, caught up on what her friends were up to and progress in school. I love it when we both have the time and inclination to do this. Making true connections is what life is all about and, being an introvert, deeper conversation is how I roll, small talk zaps my energy. She mentioned that she was putting some of my "mom" cream on her face as it was really dry from a medication she was taking, and that as she applied it she thought about how she realizes I use the cream to alleviate wrinkles in some small way and that she just doesn't see wrinkles when she looks at me. She says she just sees her beautiful mom. SWEET!  Funny thing was, I relayed to her that I had just been thinking about something along the same line as her. The other day she had been pretty upset at some breakouts she was having and it made me sad that she wasted a minute of her happiness on zits. I said they look much...

Breathe, don't react Close my eyes and detach Stay on my side of the road, Live and let live Yessiree, moving forward.

Things on my daily to do list to increase happiness and decrease enmity. Gratefulness ...The more I practice it, and I mean PRACTICE, the happier I am. Stop Comparing ...I am who I am. A little wrinkled, very flat chested and prone to criticism and mood swings. On the other hand, I am a great listener, very loyal, I try to be kind, have a wonderful head of hair and am in pretty good shape for 52. I keep trying to improve but not to be like someone else, just a better me. Lower Expectations ...not giving in or giving up just learning to let things happen. Love People for Who They Are .,..Whew, hard one but it feels really good to them and it feels good to me when I manage it. Live and let live. Facing Fears ...Daily doing things that challenge my long held beliefs or my introverted tendencies. Love Me Too .

Little by little, I find that the tools I have acquired from Al-Anon are becoming easier to pick up in the middle of a "situation".  Lately, those wonderful tools have been pretty much default except in the case of the Boy Scout. Why? Most likely because he now has the most power to hurt me, to cause emotional damage. Therefore, those old protective reactions will burst forward before the tools....then at some point there is a shift and, somehow, the tools make their way to the surface and that ugly protective guard gets lowered. I can almost watch it as it happens; very strange. Loving the Boy Scout has been easy. He's smart, funny, affectionate, encouraging and mild in temperament. Opening myself up to him has not been easy at all. Brené Brown says, "Most people believe vulnerability is weakness. But really, vulnerability is courage. We must ask ourselves... are we willing to show up and be seen?" .  Being vulnerable was never easy for me. After what ha...

Deep breathe. let the emotion flow unrestricted and then let it go.

Al-Anon has given me the gift of acceptance. It was a gift I did not know that I needed but I needed more than I can express. How acceptance manifests itself in my life is interesting and lovely.  Acceptance has allowed me to love my children exactly how they are.  Their strengths and flaws...I can love them equally, beauty in the imperfections. I can sit back and allow them to live their lives, rejoice and mourn with them, without judging their decisions or motivations. Not perfectly, but with determination I try. My only regret is that I did not learn this sooner, so that they felt unconditional love from the very beginning. Knowing that I did the best I could with the tools I had helps with that feeling of regret but the deep desire to be the best parent I could, to provide the stable childhood I did not have, whispers to me at times "Shame on you" for your failures. Luckily for me, all four of my kids are kind and loving and never make me feel like less of a person...

Went to my fearful state last night; felt like communing with old familiar friend. But I did something different with it. I took a long hot bath, broke it down to figure out what I was truly feeling and kept on track with the single issue without straying much to the other things that will "make the case" against the person I was struggling with. The voice in my head tried hard to sabotage my efforts. It told me, "Don't be a fool", "Fix this situation NOW", "There is only right and wrong and nothing in between", and, finally, "Win so that you are not the loser!". Then the voice eggs me on to pile everything up on top of the current issue, leaving no stone unturned. Tools were pulled out....remembering that I could have my healthy boundaries while allowing the other person to be themselves is crucial. I get to choose whether them being themselves is something I can live with, but I don't have to choose today, I don't ...

Cannot deny it. It can be challenging to keep a good attitude, to not allow small resentments to build up at this place I am in life. There was my old life from way back, there was that difficult transition period that took about 7 years, there was my time in the desert that, thanks to God, an amazing family, learning to be grateful and Al-Anon, did not take nearly as long as I thought it would and there is now. My NOW is good, really good but not without its struggles. Today I am grateful for a tiny little ACA Al-Anon meeting with a small group of warriors that will regularly share their experience, strength and hope with me. They let me know I am doing OK and that even though I have a long way to go, I am on the right track. Last night I was reminded that by doing a daily inventory any problems can be dealt with and resolved. Resentments do not have to erupt....they can be talked out and smoothed over. I am working on it. In my experience, one cannot replace the unconditi...

I mess up, screw up, make huge mistakes and make mountains out of molehills. I believe the lies my thoughts tell me, I succumb to the fear, overreact, ignore and punish. I do that but that is not me. I am a good person (or at least I try very hard) who does those things on occasion, who messes up in a big way but gets up, brushes myself off and then tries again and again and again. There is improvement and that is what my focus needs to be. Getting better, being kinder, not believing the lies, taking responsibility for my own feelings, counting to 10, working through the fear. I have the tools that would enable me to do this. #1 lesson ignored this weekend was "Take Nothing Personally. #2 lesson ignored "No Expectations". Those would have helped. There are more....lots more. This weekend there was a big curve in the road. Unfortunate but true. I lost it, big time! Later (too late), I had time to reflect. Next time, hopefully, reflection will come sooner; before ...

Last night my girl was not acting herself. I knew something wasn't right but I asked and she brushed me off. I waited for awhile and went into her room, sat next to her bed and gave her a chance to talk and talk she did. She's dealing with a heartbreak and a disappointment. She's having to make a hard decision that she wishes she didn't have to make. I have some very strong opinions in the matter but my Al-Anon tools took over. They told me to be quiet and to listen and to wait. She talked and talked. She did not ask my opinion, I did not give it. Amazing! She knows what to do, she does not need me to advise. Constantly telling loved ones what to do sends them the message that you feel they are incapable of making good decisions for themselves, hamstringing their decision making process and not allowing them the victories or repercussions of good or bad choices. I'm late to the learning process but better late than never. I learn way more from my kids than I ...

The fight caught me by surprise. My youngest and I get along very well. We communicate and recreate and, in general, enjoy each others company. She's low maintenance and sweet. When I discovered, that at 19, she got a tattoo, the range of emotions I felt stunned me. Instead of stepping back and trying to understand those emotions, I lashed out and said things I should not have. Taking something personal that had nothing to do with me. NOT IN MY HULA HOOP.  But it did not feel that way.. I was just plain old HURT. Hurt that she didn't tell me, that she didn't give me the chance to react well, that she shared the experience with someone else, that she chose to tattoo our old address, the home that I loved but had to leave, on her body when it holds so much pain for me, sad that she marked her body forever, etc etc etc. And it made me fear (my old friend) that I didn't know her nearly as well as I thought, at my lack of control. What else is she hiding from me? ...

Death can come at any minute, in any way. We do not know what is in store tomorrow, or, whether there is a tomorrow, or even a tonight! But still, we have the golden present. Now we are alive and kicking. What should we do now? Love all, serve all. SRI SWAMI SATCHIDANANDA

Clearly it started young; my need to control what goes on around me. Unknowingly, a child makes a decision that affects ones entire life. An adaptation, an adjustment in the way one thinks that makes each day just a little bit more bearable.  Life is scary, so scary....everyday feels a little unsure and insecure.  A father walks out, without looking back. Food was scarce occasionally, house payments and rent were often late. Who can you count on, if not your father? One starts to build on that feeling, to find ways to cope, to make it feel better. I did that by thinking that no one is going to control me, that I would not count on anyone, be ultra independent. But in truth, the emotional needs were tremendous....so much so that the people around just could not measure up. Each person in my sphere needed to behave a certain way in order to make me feel OK. My poor Secret Keeper....already a people pleaser, already ill-adapted to a healthy emotional life, tried so hard. He re...

This realization has hit hard. Not only due to the fact that I need to be more accountable to myself about how I spend my time but also because it is a tool that, if used properly, gives deep insight into others and who they actually are. The truth is, no matter what the words are, no matter what I tell myself is truth, my actions are what counts. Actions are what counts. ACTIONS ARE WHAT FUCKING COUNTS. Words are empty without the actions behind them. Our main focuses are what is defining us ... whether that be out of self protection, deflection, discovery, metamorphosis or just pure LAZY ASS nothingness. Filling our brain with garbage leads to fucking garbage! Filling our brains with; goodness, kindness, acceptance, authenticity,   benevolence,  determination, enthusiasm, forgiveness, grace, God, motivation, compassion, maturity, peace, wholeheartedness, truthfulness, trust, belonging, sincerity, kindness is the gold standard. A high and lofty goal. Excuse the la...

Are you?  You pleasers and appeasers, you know who you are. You, who fear what will happen if you don't show up to control the situation. Learning to say "NO", without an explanation, is incredibly freeing. I'll practice it more if you will. Pinky promise....let's do this.

Happy New Years! Four days in and things are going well. No big arguments, no resenting, just fairly open communication and thinking things through before the mouth opens. Wahoooo!  Small victories. I missed golfing with my ladies but still had a wonderful weekend. Practice on the driving range was super and our new church is becoming more and more a home. A movie with two of my favorite men and some really good meals. Son #2 left to go back to Portland. There was an ache in my heart not only because he was leaving but also due to the fact that it really wasn't a homecoming, it was a visit. I have no room for him...we did some rearranging and it worked out ok but, just the same, it was clear he didn't feel at home any more. It makes sense. He didn't even get to help us move from our family house to this one. We packed whatever was left in his bedroom, sold some of it, and the rest is in storage. Aside from pictures, there are no signs that he belongs. A normal stag...