Thursday, January 14, 2016

How Important Is It?

The fight caught me by surprise. My youngest and I get along very well. We communicate and recreate and, in general, enjoy each others company. She's low maintenance and sweet.

When I discovered, that at 19, she got a tattoo, the range of emotions I felt stunned me. Instead of stepping back and trying to understand those emotions, I lashed out and said things I should not have. Taking something personal that had nothing to do with me. NOT IN MY HULA HOOP.  But it did not feel that way..

I was just plain old HURT. Hurt that she didn't tell me, that she didn't give me the chance to react well, that she shared the experience with someone else, that she chose to tattoo our old address, the home that I loved but had to leave, on her body when it holds so much pain for me, sad that she marked her body forever, etc etc etc. And it made me fear (my old friend) that I didn't know her nearly as well as I thought, at my lack of control. What else is she hiding from me?

The fact of the matter is that it was her choice, it is her body, it was nothing to do with me. The truth is it doesn't matter whether I know what she does without me, it doesn't matter what she chooses to hide. What matters is what happens right before me, that her behavior is consistent and loving.

We've made up but the pain lingers. I'm fighting the negative feelings still. I want to control, to feel ok by making my point and having others agree and fall into step with my way of thinking. Ugh! I am tired. Change is so slow.

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