Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Are You Controlling? Find Out Why.

Clearly it started young; my need to control what goes on around me. Unknowingly, a child makes a decision that affects ones entire life. An adaptation, an adjustment in the way one thinks that makes each day just a little bit more bearable. 

Life is scary, so scary....everyday feels a little unsure and insecure.  A father walks out, without looking back. Food was scarce occasionally, house payments and rent were often late. Who can you count on, if not your father? One starts to build on that feeling, to find ways to cope, to make it feel better. I did that by thinking that no one is going to control me, that I would not count on anyone, be ultra independent. But in truth, the emotional needs were tremendous....so much so that the people around just could not measure up. Each person in my sphere needed to behave a certain way in order to make me feel OK. My poor Secret Keeper....already a people pleaser, already ill-adapted to a healthy emotional life, tried so hard. He really did. I also did the best I could with the knowledge I had, but it was not enough for either of us or our kids.

Acknowledging my part allows a degree of forgiveness for both us. Perhaps even more for him than myself. 

Looking forward, I have another people pleaser in my life. This time, there are tools to deal with it though. This time, I am aware that it is me that is suppose to make me happy. I don't excel. Honestly, I suck but I am more aware and often need to backtrack and repair the mess I've made.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

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