An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Ohhhh NOOOOO! This one if tough. As a hardcore, untreated Al-Anon, nothing was too small to pass the "is it my business" test. Still today, I find myself focusing on "problems" and thinking that they are either acceptable or unacceptable. Fighting the urge to act. As my friend described it; Is this inside or outside my hula hoop? Most everything is outside my hula hoop dammit. That's frustrating as hell! I want things to conform and make me feel comfortable. I want a much bigger hula hoop but what I need is a much smaller one. Ugh....I'm having a real troublesome, thorny day. This slogan should help me to avoid being upset over things that are of minimal importance in the moment. Whew...I need a whole lot of HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?. 

Where do dreams come from? Who knows how we decide what we desire most, what we hope for the future? We form these ideas somehow.....but of all the places in the world, all the wonderful people, we chose just a small smidgeon of the world to make our own. My dreams were pretty small. Marry, raise a family, travel and then enjoy the grandchildren and friendships in the golden years. Know and be known by one special person and the rest of the family and friends augment the beautiful picture. These days the dreams are unlimited. I'm open to the world to chose me. Let's see where it goes. The nuclear family dream was shattered and I'm grateful. It means the sky's the limit; options have changed.  Maybe I'll take up singing (not real likely) or join a senior women's golf tour (less likely). The truth is life is exciting and I can't wait to see the new dreams form. God has a plan.

One thing I have found that, slowly, while working my program, I have become a much more tolerant and accepting person. In the past, it was natural to laugh behind my hand at that person rides his electric bike around town with a thing on his head resembling a welding mask or at the gal walking down the street dressed in a crazy outfit with purple hair and lipstick painted on like a clown or even the old lady that walks around our town in Barbie Pink outfits with leggings and lacy socks pushing a matching stroller that contains her dog dressed in a complimentary outfit.. I don't think I was ever actually cruel (maybe I was) but that which made me uncomfortable prompted a reaction. Now-a-days I try to apply our slogans and Live and Let Live is a beauty. It not only eliminates the desire to giggle but it replaces the giggle with a desire to understand and empathize if necessary but, better than that, it allows me to give that person a high five for being able to be themselves in a...

This slogan reminds me daily that in order to have peace in my life that all the tough things like forgiveness, tolerance, charity, empathy, kindness....all begin with me. It was not until I learned forgiveness for others that I could start to forgive myself. I needed to learn empathy in order to have empathy for the former me. It was not until I look closely at my part in the messy think I call my life that I could recognize that there is not good and bad people; just a lot of flawed people getting though life as best they can. Sometimes their best is very hard and sometimes you can't recover from it but you can still try to empathize and forgive. I am also reminded that in order to have my own needs met, I count on myself to do so or to express to another what I need from them. No more guessing games....no more "If he loved me enough he would know what I need". God, let love, kindness, spiritual growth, empathy, forgiveness and gratefulness begin with me. Teach m...

The most helpful slogan in difficult times. It reminds us to let go of what we cannot even begin to control and live in this moment of time. Fifteen months ago all I did was despair night and day.  My income was being cut nearly in half, I would not be able to afford my home and knew selling and moving would my job alone, all six of us were losing our health insurance, my Secret Keeper was going to need hospitalization and mental health care for an extended period (how was I going to pay for that without health insurance), the Secret Keepers behavior was scary at best, his behavior threatened life long friendships and working relationships. Pile on top of that my concern for my children and their mental health and I found that life was too much. It wasn't until Al-Anon that I started to worry only about the hour I was in. One hour is pretty manageable, even if it contains considerable stress. I knew I could get through an hour. Now a-days I live much more "One Day at A Ti...

This AA slogan reminds me not to jump to conclusions. It says step back and hear all sides or try to put yourself in another's shoes. When someone does something that is hurtful, it is helpful to repeat this and honestly try to apply it. Just because something hurts does not mean that that was the intention of the person on the other end. They may have had a really good idea that backfired or, perhaps, something out of their control caused a mishap. It could be that there was a lack of communication. Be open to the idea that whatever happened, it may not be what it seems. I apply this slogan in this manner because this is where I am most vulnerable and, therefore, need to put in a good deal of effort. It can be applied in so many ways though. That homeless person who is probably sick and not lazy, the angry clerk who may have a very difficult path in this life, or the friend who seems to take more than give. There are back stories that we may never know...defer to the side of ...

Whew! A great AA slogan. There was a time I would have laughed at someone suggesting that I NOT try to solve a problem at hand. Got to have everyone in line, performing up the the standards that make me feel safe and comfortable. If not, swift action was the plan of attack.  One of the kids doing something out of the ordinary?....get to the bottom of it. Husband not being an attentive father...my job to fix. The result is the people around me either got in line or they learned to hide. Don't get me wrong, I am not actually a selfish person. I just never learned that, in life, there are times you will feel uncomfortable, and when those times come, knowing how to be Ok with the discomfort is important. This slogan reminds me to step back, not try to fix, and then deal with the discomfort I am feeling. Pamela Madsen wrote in Psycology Today: Helpful Tips For Getting Comfortable During Feelings of Being Uncomfortable: 1. Walk, or run outside . Movement in the fresh air can r...

Boundaries; they are healthy things.  So why do so many of us have trouble with putting them in place and keeping them? Why did we learn, early on, that it is not ok to speak up and say I need this or that is not acceptable? According to  Darlene Lancer, JD, MFTD, MFT, Boundaries are learned. If yours weren’t valued as a child, you didn’t learn you had them. I can't say whether my boundaries were valued but I do know I was one of 6, with a busy mom and an almost non-existent father. It was what it was and it was all I knew. I  know that my lack of understanding boundaries deeply affected my parenting. I wish I had done things differently but I did what was logical to me at the time.  What I have learned is that a boundary is a beautiful thing. It helps prevent the building of resentments, which can easily harm new or long term partnerships. But why is saying "no" so hard? "One of our most fundamental needs is for social connection and a feeling ...

My first blog post was on September 21st 2014. Thirteen months have past since that post. Fifteen months since my Secret Keepers walls fell in on him. Never in a million years would I have believed I would be grateful but I am. Grateful that I am out of such an unhappy situation. Thankful for the new doors God has opened. There was love but we were such a mess. The downward spiral happened so slowly; you don't even realize how warped it is until you have a chance to look back at it from a new perspective. Once all was found out and once he was tucked far away in rehab, desperation and fear were the feelings that controlled  my thoughts and actions. How I wish I knew then what I know now. I think about the Bob D Alcoholics Anonymous speaker tape when he talks about the man who has a number of different things happen to him that the world construes as either bad or good. This wise man sits back and accepts but does not judge and in the end, some of the good turns to sorrow and...

One good thing about Al-Anon is that we start learning to keep our mouths shut. Everyone does not need to benefit from my opinion or vast life experiences. I can wait until I'm asked, otherwise try to keep it closed. This is the ideal. I'm still learning but doing better all the time. Deflating the ego that was boosted up on the pedestals of warped thinking is imperative to the healing process.  It is good to remember that having an opinion or something to contribute made me feel in control, needed and a integral player in any situation. The truth is I have learned a great deal, especially over the last year or so, but in the learning I realized just how little I really know. Meanwhile, the focus is on healing and learning and seeking my God to create a new version myself.

Grateful for a good day, for the increasing ability to resolve conflict in a healthier way and for learning to let go of some things that I cannot control. The control one is cool. The need to fix things around me is strong and, usually, so easy to do. I am a great organizer and have the ability to toss crap out and prioritize. This is a job for me and only me. With too many people in a too small house, the urge came on to start the purging process. My room got a good cleaning and heading to the garage next. Time to organize and set my house in order. But only my junk.....everyone else's stuff is calling my name and I might eyeball it but healthy boundaries work both ways. Ignoring the compulsion to clean it ALL and learning to be okay with that. Everything doesn't have to be perfect for me to feel comfortable anymore. It's alright to be a little uncomfortable, life is messy and I'm learning to roll with it. Practicing "sitting" with the feelings that often...

Today a good friend asked me if I have had any second thoughts about my divorce and whether I thought I should still go through with it.  She said that she and her husband received an email from my Secret Keeper that expressed his regret and sorrow for all that he had done, thanked them for the chances they had given him when it came to his recovery and conveyed his appreciation for all the help they had given to me and our children after his implosion. I have had many second thoughts and third thoughts and fourth thoughts about my walk on this planet, my own personal welfare and my obligation to him as a "sick" person. I will probably never completely reconcile my decision to leave him floundering. He did many terrible things...some I can only imagine, but my Step Study has allowed me to see him in a different light. He is ill and many of his choices stem from that illness yet he always knew right from wrong. He drew the line in the sand and said how far he was willing to...

Pour moi, Princess Diana got this wrong. Struggling to become a happier person began with forgiveness. Forgiveness and gratefulness was the ground work, the foundation on which a new life was built. As a thin skinned, self absorbed person, I had a lot of forgiving to do. Resentments, some still holding tiny spaces in my heart, were formed, shaped, given whatever they needed to flourish and grow.  I wasn't an Ogress but I sure got things wrong at times. My steps 4 through 9 laid it out so clearly. The steps are complete. My Secret Keeper is forgiven but there are a few people that remain. My own character defects have prevented a crossing them off the list.....the "mature" Alcoholics Anonymous member that is, very kindly, supplying porn to the phone numbers given out in his meetings, the "dancer" who introduce my husband to methamphetamine, supplying him with that and "other" things, and a gentleman that pretends to be one thing but is quite...

Morning often comes much earlier than I desire. Usually around 3:30 or 4:00. Love, love, love it when it doesn't show its face until 5:00 or 5:30 am. Before the direction of life changed so drastically, I was a sleeper. Bed started whispering my name around 9:00 pm. Sometimes answered and sometimes put it off for awhile but lovingly slipped into at a "decent" hour. Sanctuary. In the realm of sleepers, I was pro. I could fall asleep with power tools running, teen parties going on, lights on or off....it did not matter. Even nail guns were no match for the trusty internal clock. My Secret Keeper installed base boards in the entire house, late hours into the night (see earlier posts for an explanation for that), without disturbing my slumber. Rarely waking before the allotted time...rarely did sleep surpass the allotted time, it all worked well. Those days are gone. A full nights sleep rarely happens without the help of a Benadryl or something stronger. Fretting doesn...

A normal life seems just a hair's breadth away from me at any given time. I know what it looks like...I think I know what it should feel like but it's not mine. Struggling with things I don't want to. Do I do it to myself or am I just a magnet for people who push my limits to a degree that makes me feel normal...FEARFUL? Black and white is a terrible way to live......expecting everyone to fit into a comfortable mold. Can I handle being around someone that has behaviors that make me feel....less than, unable to measure up, sad and out of control? Those have been my "go to" feelings for a long time. The other option is that my expectations have changed and that they are fairly normal and it is someone else that has the real issues but the past makes me start to doubt my intuition. The answer probably lies somewhere in the middle, which is where I would like to be. In the gray area with good boundaries, loving tolerance, my God in control and a very, ve...