Learning to Love Differently

Today a good friend asked me if I have had any second thoughts about my divorce and whether I thought I should still go through with it.  She said that she and her husband received an email from my Secret Keeper that expressed his regret and sorrow for all that he had done, thanked them for the chances they had given him when it came to his recovery and conveyed his appreciation for all the help they had given to me and our children after his implosion.

I have had many second thoughts and third thoughts and fourth thoughts about my walk on this planet, my own personal welfare and my obligation to him as a "sick" person. I will probably never completely reconcile my decision to leave him floundering. He did many terrible things...some I can only imagine, but my Step Study has allowed me to see him in a different light. He is ill and many of his choices stem from that illness yet he always knew right from wrong. He drew the line in the sand and said how far he was willing to go. Near the end, there was only a shell of the man I once knew. The honest, hard working, loving father and husband was gone and what was left was a robot that kind of knew what he was supposed to say and do but whose main priority was getting the next fix.

Al-Anon has allowed me to see life from his perspective instead of just my own as a victim of his behavior. I see he has lost almost everything. The wife that he still professes to love above all else, the daily interaction with the children that once held him in such high esteem, the extended family (my brothers and sisters their spouses and children) who all loved and cared for him. Now he is on his own, having to rebuild a life, empty of lifelong connections. His only sister is as close to a narcissist as I have ever known and is unable to give comfort or understanding.

Saturday, I will go to celebrate my sisters 60th birthday. My Secret Keeper adored her and she adored him. It seems he has as much of a right to be there as anyone but it won't ever happen. I am so sorry for what he has lost. I will be kind and offer help where appropriate but, despite the guilt I feel, I will move forward, building a new life as best I can, learning from my many mistakes and asking my God to show me the path I am to take and asking Him to soften the road ahead for my Secret Keeper.

Just for Today.

Comments

Post a Comment

What do you have to say about that?

Popular posts from this blog

Private Eye

Image
We pass by the house frequently since it sits on a busy thoroughfare. We know to look every time we pass and guess what will we see. Will it be the two Dalmatians, sitting on the couch that backs up to the giant panel window, waiting for their human to come home? Or will it be their human, sitting slightly to the right of middle (allowing for a better view of the giant mounted tv across the room) of the said couch. They are never there at the same time. It’s one or the other. One sleepless night, when my body was willing but my brain was not, I did a little sleuthing. It’s amazing what you can find out about a complete stranger.   His name is Gary and, from what I can tell, he’s never been married. He has worked his way up in a air duct company. He’s now the senior VP but it’s a small company and he still goes out on jobs, judging from  the reviews on Yelp. I know he has two siblings and that their father passed away in 2018. His memorial was held in a Buddhist temple and Gary sr. soun
Read more

Let's Be Perfectly Clear

I would like your input on this letter I am considering sending out. Darryl, I once considered you, if not a friend, a very friendly acquaintance. Our daughters are the same age. I am sure that your daughter is as special to you as mine is to me. McKenna is 21 years old and starting out her life with some tough situations. SHE IS NOT AN OBJECT. She is a person who has her ups and downs, her struggles and triumphs. She has, in the past year, completely alone, had to make scary medical decisions for her mentally ill, addicted father. She has had to watch as the man who was an amazing father slowly turn into a shell of a man who has little to give and much to take. Whether purposefully or accidentally, you have added to her already difficult year. I wonder…would you appreciate my ex-husband leering and making inappropriate comments to your daughter over the course of a long evening? Think about that for a moment!  What were you hoping to achieve with your behavior? Whether
Read more

Go!

Image
 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  It can be
Read more