Thursday, October 8, 2015

Learning to Love Differently

Today a good friend asked me if I have had any second thoughts about my divorce and whether I thought I should still go through with it.  She said that she and her husband received an email from my Secret Keeper that expressed his regret and sorrow for all that he had done, thanked them for the chances they had given him when it came to his recovery and conveyed his appreciation for all the help they had given to me and our children after his implosion.

I have had many second thoughts and third thoughts and fourth thoughts about my walk on this planet, my own personal welfare and my obligation to him as a "sick" person. I will probably never completely reconcile my decision to leave him floundering. He did many terrible things...some I can only imagine, but my Step Study has allowed me to see him in a different light. He is ill and many of his choices stem from that illness yet he always knew right from wrong. He drew the line in the sand and said how far he was willing to go. Near the end, there was only a shell of the man I once knew. The honest, hard working, loving father and husband was gone and what was left was a robot that kind of knew what he was supposed to say and do but whose main priority was getting the next fix.

Al-Anon has allowed me to see life from his perspective instead of just my own as a victim of his behavior. I see he has lost almost everything. The wife that he still professes to love above all else, the daily interaction with the children that once held him in such high esteem, the extended family (my brothers and sisters their spouses and children) who all loved and cared for him. Now he is on his own, having to rebuild a life, empty of lifelong connections. His only sister is as close to a narcissist as I have ever known and is unable to give comfort or understanding.

Saturday, I will go to celebrate my sisters 60th birthday. My Secret Keeper adored her and she adored him. It seems he has as much of a right to be there as anyone but it won't ever happen. I am so sorry for what he has lost. I will be kind and offer help where appropriate but, despite the guilt I feel, I will move forward, building a new life as best I can, learning from my many mistakes and asking my God to show me the path I am to take and asking Him to soften the road ahead for my Secret Keeper.

Just for Today.

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