An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Business is slow, spotty at best. I have a contract so monetarily it is still going ok but that doesn't mean it will continue that way. The end of the year and the new contract is coming soon. I cannot help but wonder if the future is going to have some changes that will affect ours lives in a negative way. This city we live in is far from affordable. That being said, I am breathing and trying not to borrowing trouble. If I make myself sick over possible changes, I steal from this moment that is mine to enjoy. Nothing is wrong right now....this very moment. It's hard for me to know the difference between living in the moment, acceptance and being an ostrich. This is a road I haven't travelled before.  Breathe Linda...breathe. Find your Invincible Summer. It's in there. Deep breath in, blow slowly out. Notice the knot in your stomach. You don't have to act or try to get rid of it, all you need to do is notice it is there. Remember, you are ok right now.

 As time goes on, peace has started to fill the large pockets of the anxiety, discontent, unworthiness and shame that existed inside me for as far back as I can remember.  My very first memory, at 18 months, is a shame filled one. That feeling has been lifelong companion. I have learned to identify shame, how it feels in my body, then fill that area with loving kindness, the kind of love that a mother gives a child, wrapped in tenderness, I give that to myself now. It is a purposeful exercise that I do with that emotion as well as anxiety, self criticism, or any other feeling that washes over and threatens to overwhelm and make me small. I am learning to observe, and in the observing, disable or diminish the power of the feeling. I like peace. It's there when I wake in the morning, when I go for a ride in the car, when I am gardening, when I talk to my kids, when I golf (aw, that's a lie.....golfing can be difficult when it comes to peace), and when I close my eyes at night....

Housewarming get together.....done. Bathing Suit.........worn but not utilized. I've known this for a long time but just to reiterate, money does not buy happiness. My #2 son, whose degrees are in math/economics, states that statistics show bliss maxes out somewhere around $90K a year and additional money after that does not increase contentment.  Our friend's new home is STUNNING.  French country, maybe 5 or 6 thousand sq ft, gorgeous stone everywhere, guest house with kitchen, closets the size of bedrooms, massive lot, lovely pool/hot tub, amazing landscaping, outdoor kitchen, gated community, etc.  They have it all. Or do they? They bickered, sniped and commented the whole evening. A couple of times it got uncomfortable when too much was disclosed and the other was angry or hurt. Too much drinking by him made her uptight, more comments made. They are bright, both being quite successful in their former careers, well traveled and adventurous, they have great stories and ...

Happy Friday friends. With everything so crazy, I wish you peace, cool weather, some rain, good health and a heavy dose of gentleness.  That is all....over and out.

Highlight of the month so far. Zoom meeting with all 4 kids. It was wonderful and natural. Haley (32) showed up a little early.  I would expect that and it makes me smile. She is in the Denver area and only just bearing the summer heat. She was sporting a super cute new haircut and seemed serious but content. We got a look at Baby, her 9 year old cat, sleeping the afternoon away. Haley has always been, and still is,  a mama bear to her siblings. I love that about her. Scott (27) showed up next and right on time, just as expected. He is walking and talking, with a big smile. He walks all over Portland but not for long. He and his partner are headed for a 2 year stint in Norwich (rhymes with porridge) England, where she will study and he will work remotely. I am so excited for them. McKenna (Gigi 24) shows up a little later which is just like her. She's not here at home but at her new mans house. Smiling, she is a little quiet. I text her and ask if she wants to introduce Zack t...

This is the Boy Scouts birthday "weekend". That's his take on it. As a woman with 5 siblings and 4 grown children, honestly, I am birthday'd out. I don't give a rats ass about my own. Give me a card, tell me you love me and I'm good. Not so much him. One of the things we are doing is celebrating a housewarming for our friends. The home they built is luxurious and in a gated community. It is located in the foothills of the small town of Ojai, which is known for its citrus, warmth (heat!) and interesting mix of good ol' boys, horse people, artists, intellectuals and spiritualists. Krishnamurti, with a decent following, lived and died in the town thats unofficial motto is "There's nothing to do in Ojai, and not enough time to do it." This evening is complex for me for a few reasons. They drink, a bit too much sometimes and the gent starts to change. I don't like the more edgy, slightly belligerent conversations and feel my anxiety rising jus...

John at  Going Gently  inspired me to put a few of my favorite things in this post. Much of this artwork belongs to the Boyscout. While he was collecting art, I was frantically trying to get to 3 soccer games, dance class, cleaning  house, supply nourishing food to 5 other humans and working full time. Now that I have slowed down, I get to enjoy his passion. I love this because it could be me with my two boys 25 years ago.It is the main street in Carpinteria California (clearly, I need to dust). This is a typical sight around here (at least it is from January to June). The eucalyptus, and the ever present Oak, is quite common. This is also a local scene by artist Pam Schiffer. Our community has strong farming roots so fields are interspersed in the city and prominent outside city proper. The pic doesn't do this justice. It is really quite lovely and subtle. Made by my mother, I treasure few things but this is one. This little gal and her sister guard the front door. We pi...

WORD FOR THE DAY Be the most ethical, the most responsible, the most authentic you can be with every breath you take, because you are cutting a path into tomorrow that others will follow. KEN WILBER I don't know about the following part and it doesn't really matter. I am finally learning to be me. Finally figuring out who that is, minus the scars that bound me so tight that I could barely move. Those old wounds that required me to don protective armor every waking hour. So, that is my job for the moment and all the moments I have left. The bonus is that while doing so, my relationships with others are becoming more clearly defined. I love more unconditionally and create imperfect boundaries, which are better than no boundaries at all, so that the difficult people in my life are easier to care for and easier to separate from. No is a complete sentence.  This is an enormous undertaking to start at 56. I would envy those who started lifetimes before me but that is a waste of energ...

I'm doing my 4th step in ACA.  ACA's steps are very like the 12 Steps of AA but with a whole lot more deep introspection and self love. It is quite a process with the idea gaining clarity, taking inventories and making amends, and, all the while, being very gentle with oneself. It hasn't been easy. At times I wanted to run away but I've stuck with it and feel good about the process. Step 4. We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them. We look at our parents with gentleness, understanding that family alcoholism and dysfunction is a generational disease. We've learned that being angry, resentful or judgemental comes back to cause us pain. During this process, one of the inventories is a relationship inventory. It attempts to shed light on our patterns in relationships. Do many of our relationships end up blowing up, do we people please until we can't stand them anymore, do we lose ourselves, do we try to contr...

 During this time of pandemic, I've come to a few conclusions. I don't think capitalism works for a betterment society anymore. Wasn't that the point in the first place? Through the last 6 months, what I have seen is that the poor took more than their fair share of the pandemic on their backs: If they kept working, they risked exposing themselves and their families (and often extended families) to the virus. Somehow many of them became "essential workers". Small business got hit hard while, somehow, Target and Costco became "essential businesses". As a small business person, I looked for money to no avail. I was really lucky because I happened to be on someone's payroll for part of 2019. My friends that are also small business owners have not been so lucky. Mortgage "help" was not help, at least not from my mortgage company nor anyone else's that I've spoken to. A delay in paying my mortgage does not help. How is one suppose to come...

To my girl: I am sorry.  I am sorry that I didn't know how much anger and pain I carried. That my pain showed itself in rage, which must have been so scary. That you walked on eggshells. That I didn't recognize your anxiety and depression for what it was. That my feelings of discomfort and anxiety were heaped on your shoulders. That you couldn't tell me who you were. That your body image was damaged by me. That, in my discomfort of not being enough, I forced you to behave in a way that was not you.  In trying to do my "best", I did harm. You are beautiful inside and out. You are perfect, whomever you love. You are not responsible for how anyone feels at any time, ever . You will always be my girl but I still have a lot of growing to do. I will keep trying to improve my "best".

 Truthfully, not much to say today. Life is rather quiet. I will leave you with a video that tickled me.

WORD FOR THE DAY What is the meaning of life? . . . The great revelation . . . never did come. Instead there were little daily miracles, illuminations, matches struck unexpectedly in the dark. VIRGINIA WOLF For me a quiet voice that speaks to me, urging me to soften, be brave, understand, walk with others. Even those who do not share my point of view.   "Little daily miracles" and "matches struck unexpectedly in the dark". How lovely.

Morning! Happy Monday. It's going to be a lovely day on the coast. I was going to talk a little about COVID but it was going down a rabbit hole so I deleted it and started over. Life is good here. In this time of pandemic, I am living vicariously through many of you. Taking trips to lakes, visiting the english countryside, doing Saturday Night Protest Parties which are a lot of fun, watching a nurse and his dogs come out of the grieving process, satisfying my deep need for a rich spiritual center with a number of bloggers who are wise and generous with their experience, enjoying the artistry of photographers from around the world, rubbing elbows with women of a certain age as we go through similar struggles, and just catching up with the lives of blogging friends. I am wishing each and every one of my limited readership a excellent day while staying safe.

Scruffy, our wirehaired Pointing Griffon, gets a daily trip to the dog park. She's now 2 but is still a puppy when she gets there. She is one of the few dogs that runs for the sheer joy of running, doing crazy eights around us and trying to get other dogs to chase her, she will not stop. She likes to be chased. I get it.....I like my man to chase me. Not actually, as my man does not run, but I like to know that he still figuratively chases me, letting me know it's still me he wants. On the other hand, Sophie (our sortof French Bulldog) only gets to go every couple of days or so. It's hard on her old body. She usually sleeps the rest the day away and when she gets up she has a hard time walking. Waddling like an immensely heavy old lady. She hurts but it hasn't taken the spark out of her eyes. Not yet. You may remember that our dogs HATE each other. At first they were buddies, they slept together and spent the days outside with each other, but when Scruffy reached maturi...