Step Aside....I'm On The Move

I'm doing my 4th step in ACA. 

ACA's steps are very like the 12 Steps of AA but with a whole lot more deep introspection and self love. It is quite a process with the idea gaining clarity, taking inventories and making amends, and, all the while, being very gentle with oneself. It hasn't been easy. At times I wanted to run away but I've stuck with it and feel good about the process.

Step 4. We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them.

We look at our parents with gentleness, understanding that family alcoholism and dysfunction is a generational disease. We've learned that being angry, resentful or judgemental comes back to cause us pain.

During this process, one of the inventories is a relationship inventory. It attempts to shed light on our patterns in relationships. Do many of our relationships end up blowing up, do we people please until we can't stand them anymore, do we lose ourselves, do we try to control? 

I had an epiphany during this process. I have been in only a couple of love relationships. One lasting 35 years and my current which is 5 years. I have my kids and my siblings but I have been very "friend poor". 

The first trait of the "Laundry List" (a list of typical behaviors of children of alcoholics) is:

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

After two years of doing ACA, I realized that that was me. I knew I was afraid of authority figures but I didn't feel I isolated. I filled my world with SAFE people that could not reject me. My husband and kids, mom, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, but very few friends....achingly few. I had warm acquaintances, but unbeknownst to me, I kept them at arm's length. There has always been a sense of loneliness but I couldn't figure out why.

Rejection would be confirmation that I am as unworthy as I have felt and told myself all through my life. I don't do that anymore but old habits die hard. 

I have a few close friends today and I nurture them purposefully. I'd say that is "Progress not Perfection" (one of my favorite ACA slogans).

Happy Thursday my blogging friends!


Comments

  1. anne marie in phillyAugust 13, 2020 at 8:57 AM

    all my friends are in blogland. and I see nothing wrong with that. you are part of my friend group! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda devAugust 13, 2020 at 9:55 AM

      No ma’am. You are definitely one of my friends Anne Marie.

      Delete
  2. Margaret (Peggy or Peg too)August 13, 2020 at 10:34 AM

    great post Linda.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Marie SmithAugust 13, 2020 at 3:15 PM

    Realization of patterns of one’s behaviour is a huge step. Well done Linda.

    ReplyDelete
  4. JeanieAugust 13, 2020 at 5:04 PM

    This is fascinating -- very interesting. I learn so much from you. Friends require nurturing, even if they seem not to. That's how we keep them. I bet you do a great job.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ToniAugust 13, 2020 at 5:54 PM

    Self-reflection is so rewarding.

    You've got a friend in me!

    ReplyDelete
  6. SabineAugust 14, 2020 at 4:49 AM

    There is so much in this post for me - another co-dependent survivor. I have very few friends and always had a hard time accepting friendship offers while seeing myself as not worthy. You are on such a hard journey but so necessary and so courageous. Take care!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LindaAugust 15, 2020 at 5:20 AM

      I see you Sabine. I find you caring and deep and extremely intelligent.

      Delete
  7. BillAugust 14, 2020 at 11:05 AM

    It is good to examine one's self and you've done a fine job.

    ReplyDelete
  8. My life so farAugust 15, 2020 at 7:21 PM

    I have few friends. I realized as I read your post that I keep people at arm's distance too. We can be friends until you want something from me. I'm also socially awkward and introverted as well.

    I'm also terrified of rejection and will rejection others before they can reject me. I also wonder why anyone would love me.

    Perhaps I need to take another look at my ACA book.

    ReplyDelete

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