An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I remember as a child, and even as an adult, hearing the saying "Count Your Blessings" and thinking it trite, compactly religious and easy for the people who didn't have a bunch of shit going on to say. How could I do that when we couldn't make rent, had no gas money, struggled with kid issues, had serious illness and then the hearing loss? It wasn't till I hit a rock bottom that I learned that being grateful was the key to everything moving forward. I learned the lesson but applying day in and day out it is harder than I ever thought. I try to find things to be grateful for but the bad things have a habit of calling my name and speaking far louder than the good. It requires a rewiring of the brain. I am learning. Today I am grateful for the struggle of learning and changing. If I did not have this struggle, I would still be living drought and insufficiency. Everyday, even though I have a ton of struggles, the good things take hold, get a voice, call my name...

The past few weeks have been good and fun, hard and stressful. We've gotten used to living  alone....just the two of us. A bunch of family time has been great but tested us a bit. The Boy Scout didn't have kids and he's walking into well established relationships with invisible boundaries. We (me and my kids) love to talk current issues and such but we all lean fairly left while the Boy Scout is a little right of middle. A couple a times discussions got more heated than my comfort level allowed and once it got ugly. Net Neutrality is now a verboten subject... ;) We talked and worked and, perhaps, argued a bit.  How I appreciate his willingness to keep trying.  My kids have also had to learn to dance with a new dance partner because of their love for me. I am grateful to all of them. It wasn't all bliss.....it was a family adjusting to a new road map. In our quiet moments, we like to put the Mark Knopfler station on Pandora. One of the songs they play on the station...

Hi all.... This has been an unusual holiday. Our beautiful city is still blinking their eyes with wonder at the horrific fire that swept through, destroying everything in its path then staying around enough to darken the skies and make the landscape look snow covered for two weeks. I've found myself thrilled beyond belief that we had all four of the kids home for the Christmas. One night, as we ate a delicious dinner that my Boy Scout prepared, I found myself catching my breath and my heart squeezing with love and gratitude (there should be a word for that feeling). The four kids with two of their partners were in the dining room while the Boy Scout and I ate in the living room. They sat and talked and laughed, just enjoying each others company. It was such a sweet moment. In all the good and wonderful, there has been a shadow....a shadow of all the friends and fellow Venturans that have lost everything. It has been a time to grieve. My boy and I went up to our old stre...

travel and see the world. be able to hear. trust, just plain old trust. feel safe and be treated like I am precious to someone. be cared for....I've grown weary of depending on me. I'm tired today.

Cats are wonderful creatures. I’ve had at least 9 of them grace me with their presence in my lifetime. Most of the were garden variety, more concerned with the bigger world than being smothered by my love. A few of them were unique souls that touched my heart deeply. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them all, but a few were kindred spirits. I’m finding myself wanting a cat again. It’s been awhile since my girl took her cat and Stella Bella to live with her.  I’ve always wanted a great big marmalade kitty. Well, maybe some day...... Does a cat own you?  What’s its name and color? Meanwhile I’ll ponder the bigger cat concerns.........

We had our annual Christmas golf tournament and although I played fairly awfully, I felt loved, uplifted and happy to be with my people. After golfing, we went to the club house and had a wonderful prime rib dinner with veggies and salad. The Boy Scout ordered me a drink and we chatted and caught up with spouses and had a plain old good time. At 6:30, when everyone was leaving, I was actually sad that the night was over which is really strange for this introvert.  A great day of life!

Today I found out that my crazy, rough around the edges, former neighbor that lost his home to the bastard we call the Thomas Fire, also lost his beloved horse. My heart aches for him. Most things you can replace....stoves andshoes, clothing and couches, they can be replaced. A pet, a partner in long treks across the mountains, a bond between a person and their animal is irreplaceable A cowboy and his partner. Chris...I am so sorry for the pain that you must be experiencing right now. Love and hugs.

A cat, long loved by a young surfer dude, lives her life out of doors, free to hunt, galavant and do what cats do. Becky is her name and she is not really owned but rather graces others with her presence when she so desires. About the time she turns 12, the surfer dude, who now has a family, brings home a surprise. Cecille, who is a rescue, is part jack russell but the rest is a mystery. Cecille and Becky do not see eye to eye on who rules in this small kingdom but eventually they work things out. Each considering themselves the actually ruler, as terriers and cats are wont to do. Eventually they form an alliance of sorts, and become a hunting team. At first Becky brings the prey and makes it available to Cecille as his hunting skills are questionable and in need of refining. Soon enough, both being capable hunters, they work together to rid their realm of ALL unwanted pests and help in neighboring realms too. Years go by and Becky is slowing down. She is more and more often found...

Today is my dad's birthday.  He's been gone for a good number of years now, maybe 8; how I miss his gentle spirit. Once he got sober he became a friend. That took time as he had abandoned my mom while she still had 5 of her 6 still at home. It was something he regretted even on his deathbed. Today also marks 10 years since we all said good bye the our wonderful mother. I miss her terribly. I can still hear her voice, recall the feel of her skin, remember the baby soft white hair that had come back wavy after chemo. I can smell her house and bring up the sound of her Christmas tree (she liked the Hallmark ornaments that moved). I recall the comfort of her unconditional love....sanctuary. Does sanctuary exist anywhere else? I think it does when we grow to love ourselves like a parent, with forgiveness and empathy, patience and kindness. Today I am grateful for the two lovely, broken and flawed people that helped to make me what I am. I would love to spend an afternoon sit...

My Boy Scout is working a bunch and I find myself with a lot of free time. Saturday and Sunday were spent trying to fill that "free" time but I am struggling to remain positive while I am reminded of all the time I spent alone while with the Secret Keeper. At the time, I could not figure out how anyone could be married, have 4 kids, a close knit family, and yet somehow feel like the loneliest person on the planet. I would wake with an ache and fall asleep with an ache. Walking through the day with small respites of connection where I would forget, for just awhile, that my soul ached for something else, to be somewhere else. I am not lonely anymore. I just have to figure out how to fill my alone time better. I am working on it......I've got some ideas.

Tobacco Row (as I have deemed it) is a little spot outside the low income apartment house that is not far from our home. The people that sit there range from the very young to the “getting up there”. They are usually there, in various forms of dress, from pajamas and robes, to short shorts and UGG boots or torn T-shirts, to the fastidious neat and tidy. They are often in the company of a small pet and fellow smokers. During this crazy time where fires have consumed a portion of our town and part of our joy, the people of tobacco row seem to have needed each other even more than usual, no doubt discussing this and that and the friends and family affected by the fires. I must admit the oppressiveness of the smoke and soot in the sky has had me seeking higher ground a couple of times just to clear my eyes and throat. This nagging cold not helping the situation no doubt. But imagine my surprise yesterday morning when I passed the people of tobacco row and two of the four people are donn...

Sorry for the delay in posting. With power outages, family, friends and just plain grief, I did not have the initiative to write. We are fine, as is all of our personal property. Surprisingly, through all this devastation, the only fatality was a car accident somehow fire related. Most people had enough notice to leave with just a few belongings. A few scenes from Ventura: The house that once held my heart still stands. Unfortunately few of my neighbors were as lucky.  Thank you for your kind words and prayers.

My sweet city, my favorite town in the world, is on fire.  Friends and loved ones have lost their homes. The house that held my heart may or may not still be there. I know the direct neighbor is not.  We watched from our front yard as homes just a few blocks away, up on the hill, were incinerated. The winds are still blowing hard and the fire is coming this way once again. Such a sad day.

I just got home from my local pharmacy. The medication I needed was not necessary to maintain life but it certainly makes my life far more comfortable. With my insurance, which I must admit is not fabulous, the medicine was 90 bucks. Honestly, the 90 bucks doesn’t mean a ton to me.   I’m one of the lucky ones. I have health insurance and make a decent living. When things like this come up I feel truly grateful. My mother went through ovarian cancer with three recurrences before she passed. The chemotherapy affected her so greatly that I had to take over the household bill paying and organization. I was dumbfounded, absolutely dumbfounded, at what my mother and her husband were paying for prescription drugs.   She was on Social Security so she had insurance but paying her bills gave me a panic attacks. They were not able to cover it all. A couple of my kids are BARELY making their rent. There are so many people out there just like that or not even doing as well as them. I ...

This is one of my favorite Youtuber's. Aw honey.......Bless your heart!!!

Words to live by. 

WORD FOR THE DAY I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but doesn't leave us where it found us. ANNE LAMOTT What could be more true? Grace started the process of change in a way that nothing else could. The old me was far more negative, self absorbed, fearful (is that even possible?) and blind to the castle walls that had been erected over time. Now I can see over the top of the walls and the view is spectacular! Grace is removing the emotional fortress brick by brick and I could not, despite the pain of self reflection, be more grateful for the destruction. I keep trying....I hope you do too.