An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Life is quiet.  I am fighting it.During this COVID outbreak, it would be a good time to adjust, stay home a bunch, eat a lot of healthy, home cooked, non-processed foods, read more, fill my journal. But I am a rebellious teenager, pushing back on the restrictions (within reason). I wear a mask, I wash and alco-gel often but I don't stay home much. Why not? I suppose it has to do with the fact that when I am home, I have a hard time shifting gears to just enjoying it and often see it as tasks to be done. I don't love to sit and watch tv or read. I consume many books but the majority are audio which I take in while puttering in the garden, scrubbing the floors, any menial task that allows my mind to focus on the words but lets my body keep moving. Something inside me fights it. The slowing down. It might be that I associate it with the elderly and how they conserve their energy (often in front of a television). I want to keep going. Keep limber. Get my heartrate up. Truthfully, I...

Is anyone else having trouble you the new format and iPhone. I can’t get to the blogs I read.  The menu won’t let me scroll down that far. The only place I can read or comment is on my Work pc. Very frustrating. 

Morning and happy Saturday, It's overcast here and just a little bit on the chilly side. It's so funny how a few years ago I would have been bundled up and freezing. I was almost always cold. One of the many benefits of menopause. I run a little warmer than I used to. One of the drawbacks has been the the 10 lb weight gain mostly in my backside and belly. I work hard at loving my body and am up to the challenge. I'll get there. I've spending more time in the tropical garden that I inherited from the previous owner and the addition/revamp of my garage/granny flat is ongoing. We've had some setbacks but are moving forward. Impossible to keep this old house clean while construction is going on, which can make me a little crazy. Lately, I've been enjoying the blog   NO WAY CAFE . It's filled with wisdom and love and it reminds me to move inward at any given time.  Off to try some beach yoga. Have a great day.

Can I share a victory? Something happened at home that was hard and scary for me but I stayed present and did not go to the terrible place that I often go to. I used great self talk of love and assurance that I could handle the situation. I did not need to shame or control and tried for empathy. I felt like a normal healthy person. Moving in the right direction.  Thank you to my cheerleading section who remind me on a regular basis that.... I got this!!!

The Secret  Keeper has his ups and downs which is the nature of mental illness. When he is well I don't hear from him too much. Bi-Polar disorder cyclically takes its host from high highs to low lows. In the beginning, when the person is well, one tends to think positive....maybe my person is getting better but over time one realizes that there will always be ups and downs....ALWAYS. He's in the middle of a low right now so I get things like this: There are many times I wish I could talk to "The Hand" . Sincerely,        Missing out! I would often jokingly tell  him to talk to the hand when we disagreed......and this...  Seriously though, I was either looking or waiting for a sign that you loved me, were in love wth me or none of the above but culdnt say, or wasn't paying attention or didn't feel the Braille signs that were there but I failed to read. Instead I did horrific things to you that can not be forgiven. I rolled over like a golden retriever c...

Last night, out of the blue, an old acquaintance came to visit.  It’s been two years and one day since the last big homecoming. That time, it was a long time before leaving and I lived in dread, wondering if an exit would ever take place.  The old friend? A dizzying case of vertigo. A trip to the hospital resulted in a  “go home and sleep it off”. That time I could not tell up from down and, to be honest, it seems like that case did some damage somewhere deep inside my brain. I never went back to normal, staying just a little off kilter to varying degrees. After about a month, I could drive and work again as long as I was careful.  It’s more manageable today but it is not remotely fun.  This time, I’m not borrowing trouble, fretting about how long it will last or how bad will it get. I will, for the moment, stay in the moment. Ask me tomorrow and may have a different answer but for now I’m choosing to be sort of ok. 

I am perfectly smitten and cannot get enough: And if you only want to watch one, you must see this one💗

The other day I got a text from one of my sisters. It was inviting us to meet her, one of my other sisters and their spouses for lunch in my city. They had travelled up, 2 hours from where they live, to do some kayaking. This sister and I have a very complicated relationship. There was a time we were the best of friends but not anymore. A lot of water, a lot of things said and done. It's not that I want it this way but I interact with her from a standpoint of woundedness. Even innocuous things said in a text can hurt. I am aware and process through those feelings, getting to a good spot pretty quickly.  It was good to see them all. Conversation was light and easy. They seemed genuinely happy to see me and we caught up quickly on kids and grandkids. My mom would have been pleased. When we departed, them to go back to kayaking and us to return home, I felt delighted to have seen them and to come away without any new wounds.  The three of us at my niece's wedding. I wish I k...

WORD FOR THE DAY Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you. L.R. KNOST The direction I am heading. Looking for good, being a force for good. trying my best to be extravagant and unconditional in my love. The base requirement is a whole lot of self love. Self love is hard, especially for this old broad who has had a whole lot of self loathing for a good many decades.  As my past expands and my future contracts, there is not much more important to me than getting this spiritual stuff worked out. It's the right time to figure out what is truly important and work towards inner peace. Why is it the right time? It's all I got.... right now. How I wish I had done this work 30 years ago when I was a young mom. Youth, so often, is looking in the short term. Feel good now. Unfortunately, it can be hard to see that what is put on the front burners on high heat will soon burn out or evaporate entirely. What is left is u...

About 4 years ago my youngest, who loves cars, found herself a mechanic who turned out to be a bit of a surrogate father. Kevin is my age and has grown boys of his own but he has looked out for my girl in sweet ways, helping with her cars, advising her what to buy (even though she didn't listen), and being a go to when things have been rough, offering her rides when her car broke down, etc.  He came into her life at a sweet time. Her dad, who she adores, was unable to be a dad in the true sense. In fact, being that she is the only sibling that is local, she oftens times has to care for him rather than the other way around. For the last few years, she has said that she wants to marry a man like Kevin. The other day she told me that he had been very sick and then found out he has COVID19. He is on the mend but it has been a long, rocky, rough road. Kevin is the one and only person that I know that has contracted the virus. Being that we had close to 7,000 new cases just yesterday, I ...

The 4th was not as expected. Pandemic, being what it is, has change much. I would have spent it alone but, at the last minute, the man got the night off. We hit some balls at the driving range, got a nice lunch downtown, which had been blocked off for pedestrians only, with noticeably more people wearing masks. A few more errands and then home for a snooze. I puttered in the garden and then the Boy Scout prepared the pozole for dinner.  There was a little shadow that is the mom that no longer has the kids to do minor holidays with but that shadow, like Peter Pan's, tried hard to stay hidden. I reached out to my siblings to wish them all a happy 4th and found that two of my sisters were spending the holiday together, playing cards and sharing meals. My shadow became less opaque, increasing in size, making sure she was seen when I turned quickly or looked down. In a effort to dull the ache we headed off to get some frozen yogurt. I know.....it's a temporary salve for a scraped sh...

Happy 4th to my co-Americans. Happy Saturday to the rest of you♥ I've been developing a friendship with a gent from my ACA meetings. We went on a hike the other day and while I enjoy myself thoroughly, he, at times, gets way too new age for my brain to comprehend. That's ok. I can either focus on those moments where I feel like I need a doctorate in philosophy, physics and ancient Chinese culture in order to understand what he is saying or I can focus on the nuggets of gold threaded into the foreign language that he occasionally speaks. The other day's hike was spectacular, with some water and amazing views. On this incredibly clear day, we were overlooking the Pacific Ocean and the cities of Santa Barbara, Montecito and Carpinteria. One of the nuggets of gold my friend supplied was an affirmation that I have started to use when my brain is telling me to be unhappy about something. THAT'S NOT ME. I can focus on the one shitty driver or the hundreds of other cars around ...

We've been discussing a vacation, possibly next summer. The theme, for the most part, has been Italy. I have never been and the Boy Scout is eager to share it with me.  BUT ......and it is a big but.....we just got news that son #2 may be spending a couple of years in Scotland. Now, I don't get to see any of my kids enough (even the one that lives at home), but the idea of flying 12 hours to spend time in a beautiful European country but not see my kid that is only a couple of hours away, seems ludicrous. Luckily, the Boy Scout shifts gears easily. He has gone from flying into Milan to see The Last Supper, spending days in Venice etc etc. to flying into Edinburgh, golfing at such and such, seeing this castle, going to that pub. His seque was flawless. I, on the other hand, don't start to dream until the event is decided for sure. The money, the dogs, my work, not wanting to be disappointed, all weigh heavy on me. Not to mention that I  have seen very little of this world. T...