It's OK

The Secret  Keeper has his ups and downs which is the nature of mental illness. When he is well I don't hear from him too much. Bi-Polar disorder cyclically takes its host from high highs to low lows. In the beginning, when the person is well, one tends to think positive....maybe my person is getting better but over time one realizes that there will always be ups and downs....ALWAYS. He's in the middle of a low right now so I get things like this:
There are many times I wish I could talk to "The Hand" .
Sincerely, 
      Missing out!
I would often jokingly tell  him to talk to the hand when we disagreed......and this... 
Seriously though, I was either looking or waiting for a sign that you loved me, were in love wth me or none of the above but culdnt say, or wasn't paying attention or didn't feel the Braille signs that were there but I failed to read. Instead I did horrific things to you that can not be forgiven. I rolled over like a golden retriever crying and lost my life. I am old now if only I could be put down too. 
Ca
Damn meds, you start thinking and start making random Quail Cages. People keep asking where are the Quail?

I know you have talked to me about this before (Not the Quail Cage part).
Sincerely apologizing Your slow learner
At some point he decided to build me a quail cage. I did not ask him to. He did not inform me, thinking he would surprise me. In the home that I loved, we had a covey of California Quail that visited the backyard almost daily. I love those quail. He remembers that. My girl finally let me in on the gig. I  had to remind the man that the Boy Scout and I own a bird dog.and that it would be cruel to both  the birds and dog, plus I don't want a bird cage. Ah well!

This man was a good man and w wonderful father. He is still a good man who is very sick. I can continue to be on the receiving end of these texts. It's ok. It makes me sad but I can handle being a little sad. I don't engage or enrage. I just am a safe sounding board for a person whose brain is his worst enemy.

In a world where we set our mentally ill out to fend for themselves, I can be kind.

Comments

  1. Marie SmithJuly 17, 2020 at 9:01 AM

    I don’t know if I could be as kind as you are Linda. You are an exceptional person. You are indeed kind...an understatement.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda devJuly 17, 2020 at 11:30 AM

      I think you are really good people. The forgiveness was a gift I gave myself (with a lot of help from a counselor).

      Delete
  2. anne marie in phillyJuly 17, 2020 at 9:33 AM

    as long as you don't take the secret keeper back, all shall be well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda devJuly 17, 2020 at 11:28 AM

      Not even a question. That part of my life is over and I’m never looking back.

      Delete
  3. My life so farJuly 17, 2020 at 1:14 PM

    One of my very dear friends has bipolar disorder but she doesn't hurt anyone. She hurts herself instead. She was sexually, physically and mentally abused by her mother and family members. She has been to hell and back and I can't even imagine how she survived. But I was never married to her.

    I'm glad that he can still contact you but that you still have boundaries with him. None of it's easy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LindaJuly 18, 2020 at 12:19 AM

      This man did not have an easy childhood. It is complex but his needs were rarely met because of a very difficult and self absorbed sister. He was the sacrificial lamb when one was needed. I am sorry for him and for your friend.

      Delete
  4. JeanieJuly 19, 2020 at 12:00 PM

    The last sentence tells it all. You can be kind. We deal with bi-polar in the oldest kid. It's tough, but as long as he keeps coming back and talks... all good. He's in a good spot right now and I hope the Boy Scout finds his good spot and those who can help him stay there. Bi-polar is a tough route to go, whether the individual who has it or those in its wake. I admire your kindness more than I can say.

    ReplyDelete

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