What Really Happened?
The 4th was not as expected. Pandemic, being what it is, has change much.
I would have spent it alone but, at the last minute, the man got the night off. We hit some balls at the driving range, got a nice lunch downtown, which had been blocked off for pedestrians only, with noticeably more people wearing masks. A few more errands and then home for a snooze. I puttered in the garden and then the Boy Scout prepared the pozole for dinner.
There was a little shadow that is the mom that no longer has the kids to do minor holidays with but that shadow, like Peter Pan's, tried hard to stay hidden. I reached out to my siblings to wish them all a happy 4th and found that two of my sisters were spending the holiday together, playing cards and sharing meals. My shadow became less opaque, increasing in size, making sure she was seen when I turned quickly or looked down. In a effort to dull the ache we headed off to get some frozen yogurt. I know.....it's a temporary salve for a scraped shin but I am not above it.
As I start to pull away from the house, I look in the rearview mirror, I realize that the neighbors on each side of us, the ones that we are having regulars get togethers with, are getting together but without us. At that point the shadow decided to rise above me, much like an umbrella. I tried to figure why. I wondered to the man, "Do drinkers not like getting together with non-drinkers?". Am I a potential party pooper?
I knew it was playground fodder. I knew under different circumstances I would not give it a single thought but not then. I spent about an hour or so trying hard to figure out why I was feeling that way, why I was throwing away my power and worth by wondering what was wrong with me. The man gave me space to work it out. I wrestled that bitch but got to the place of self love and we went on with evening.
make your own fun and fuck everyone else. DO NOT give others a place to rest in your head. I have not seen people in weeks, and it doesn't bother me.
ReplyDeleteI'm not there yet Anne Marie. Maybe one day☻
DeleteYOU CAN DO IT! I KNOW YOU CAN!
DeleteI have known the sting of exclusion too. Good for you for wrestling it to the ground and treating yourself with self-love!
ReplyDelete♥♥♥
DeleteDrinking is really big over here. We've been over people's houses and when we declined to have a drink, they were puzzled and wanted to know why. My wife and I drank but she quit in the 90s and occasionally I'll have a beer or two during the course of a year. Basically been there, done that and it just doesn't really appeal to me anymore.
ReplyDeleteThese guys drink their fair share, occasionally way overdoing. I really dislike it when that happens. One of them giggles a lot, but the other gets morose and sappy. I loathe that.
DeleteWe are not into the drinking scene either. I am glad not to be included!
ReplyDeleteI get that.
DeleteIt's frustrating not being included when you don't know why. I think most all of us have been there, I know I have. I applaud you for looking it straight in the eye and dealing with it. But yes, there is always a bit of a shadow.
ReplyDeleteI keep trying.
DeleteIt is always nice to be invited to the party even if you know you don't want to go. :-) That has always been my mantra. I don't often fit in so I am not invited to a lot of things that over the years have hurt me. But hubby pointed out that I didn't even want to go or really love these people so why was I upset? I hate when he makes sense.
ReplyDeleteThat confuses me. It seems like you would fit in most places. You are friendly, kind and fun.
DeleteExclusion stings. (at least for me.) Even now.
ReplyDeleteI've always felt like that too, the one left out. My sisters are twins and a lot older than me and yeah, pretty much exclude me. I've never really fit in anywhere and I'm starting to accept that. I have an adopted family of misfits now:)
ReplyDelete