An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Today, when reading A Prayer For Owen Meany, they mentioned two words that I had not heard or thought of since my childhood. The words? “Telephone Drawer”. How many times I heard my mom say, “Check the telephone drawer" or "Get a pen from the telephone drawer". A thing of days gone by for me. I haven’t even had a landline for 7 years. I've recycled the phone book if they insist on leaving it on my porch for at least 12 years. I still have an office supply drawer which would have consisted of many of the same things but not quite the same really. The telephone drawer belongs to my mom. I can hear her voice say it now. Do you still have one? Did you ever?

My father-in-law was a nice man, a generally good guy. Mostly genial and subdued, he held tightly to his conservative values in a way many of his generation did. Not necessarily keeping himself up-to-date with issues but often just reiterating the same old rhetoric. Democrats love big government, increased national debt and a create big welfare state. It was his right to believe it, I never argued with him. Obama was voted in the year my oldest son could vote for the first time. My boy was thrilled and couldn’t wait to pop his first chad. My father-in-law, not so much. He died before Obama left office but I’m guessing he probably would be a Trump supporter even now. Unfortunately, mimicking the way he was raised, he called Obama a monkey on a few occasions. I had never heard words like that come out of him before. I was left to explain to our shocked kids how some people choose to live in the past and how the elderly can, at times, lose their filters. They loved their grandfather an...

She stands there on the corner in her London Fog jacket. A jacket that would be stylish on some but not on her. It’s wrinkled, dirty and looks like she may have soiled herself. She waits to cross the street which tells me she has enough self awareness to know to stop on the red light. It’s early and perhaps she is not had time to get what she wants more than anything else. She has a name but I don’t know it. I’m an observer and to be honest, she frightens me a bit. She is twitching, twitching, twitching….   The telltale signs are all there. Her shoulders raise and drop, raise and drop, raise and drop. Her elbow spasmodically reaches out to the left as if trying to push someone away again and again. Her hair, her hair looks like a rats nest. She probably just woke and exited the park to start her day. I wonder what it’s like to be her, to walk in her shoes. Does life feel hopeless? Is survival the primary driving force? Does anyone love her or worry for her safety, her well bei...

When we love ourselves it is so much easier to love others and that love for others becomes far richer, possibly with less conflict. Giving myself a break for failing, coming up short or simply for being human frees me up from judging other so harshly. It's a hard thing to do and it does not happen magically. I've started in that direction by doing a number of things: Regularly attend ACA meetings, rubbing elbows, expressing my feelings and, most importantly, listening to the people who are on a similar journey. Reading material that helps me understand myself better, uncovering the scars to allow healing. Putting reminders on my wall, in my podcasts, and fill my ebook library with affirmations. Reevaluating the health of my relationships and why I hold on if they are not all that healthy. Following bloggers that show a tremendous amount of self love. Making apologies to myself when I fail. Thinking before I speak. Being present and enjoying the moment. I'...

I've mentioned that my Boy Scout is a bartender. His current position is in a hipster bar in a little town in the hills above our city. The owner of the bar hit it big with a brewery that got bought out and now owns quite a few restaurant/bars. He's youngish with a couple of little ones, maybe 6 and 8. The other day the owner came in with his kids for lunch. Unfortunately, it was immediately after 15 fireman had just left due to a potential electrical fire. So the Boy Scout did not have time to prep, he was alone and he quickly got inundated. There was a mixup with his order and the kids, who had ordered veggie burgers, accidentally got meat! OK OK it was a bummer but the owner freaked out! Said some inappropriate stuff and was just a bit of an asshole, all in front of his little ones and the other customers. Told my man that he was responsible if the kids got sick as neither of them had ever had meat in their bodies. The Boy Scout stayed cool, exercised his bodhichitta ...

I wake up very early...too early really. Trying hard to not wake anyone in the house, I usually set my clothes out the night before, attempt to dress quite stealthily, and make my way out...feeding dog #2 along the way. Doing it this way (in the dark) there are occasionally mishaps. Today I dressed comfortable, black leggings, black sleeveless tee and an open denim dress. Pretty effortless. Got to work, got it done and about to leave for the morning when I passed a mirror. Non matching sneakers, dress inside out, big ole sex hair (without the sex).....basically one hot mess. Oh well, I do Hot Mess effortlessly.

John Oliver just released a segment about Medical Bias, discussing different segments of society not getting heard when seeing the doctor. I watched another video about conscious vs unconscious medical bias that you can view here . My friend Peggy spoke about her experience here at  Straight Up . Previously, I mentioned a problem I had. It is not uncommon for women's concerns to be dismissed as "emotional" or "hormonal" or even dismissed without an explanation. Most of us have discussed the issues we have had with doctors with other women, who can usually confirm their similar experiences, but now there are studies that prove it so. About 18 years ago, I went to my Gyno for a yearly exam. When discussing overall health I expressed to him a problem with, not just low libido, but nonexistent sex drive. Zero Zilch Nada. I also let him know about a particular problem with dryness. I was perimenopausal at the time. He did listen...and the answer I got was that...

Money isn’t the root of all evil, assholes with money are the root of all evil. - Rick Overton Jeff Epstein felt it was his right to take girls getting close, but not quite, to adulthood and using their bodies for his pleasure. Money, influence, persuasion and gifts were used, among other things, to get these girls to do his bidding. NEWS FLASH....children cannot give permission. Truthfully, with the state of the White House (another person who thinks women are objects), I don't give a rats ass how Epstein died. I do care, however, that they get that predator woman off the streets. Ghislaine needs to answer before a court of law for her actions in facilitating Jeff's access to teenage girls. Tired of ASSHOLES with money getting to do whatever they want to do and not having to pay the price for their actions because of their wall of lawyers. Just felt the need to say it.

The Boy Scout finished reading the World According to Garp to me and I enjoyed it tremendously. What a writer! I can't pick out any particular sentences, or point to a paragraph that I think was a masterpiece, but I was amazed at the depth in which Irving could make me feel. One minute such grief that a couple of times I had to ask him to stop reading, then dread and disappointment with the characters, and then with such hilarity that the Boy Scout was unable to read through the spasms of laughter and tears rolling down his face. Irving seems to love his characters but allows them to be so very human. Cannot wait to start A Prayer for Owen Meany but we thought we would mix it up a bit. Now we are navigating Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. Thus far, I am finding it to be subtle and quiet with a poinency that aches. Family, love, revenge and faith.....the writing is simply lovely. “Once in my life I knew a grief so hard I could actually hear it inside, scraping at the ...

  What scares us about being sad? You know what I mean. It comes from the most unexpected places. It lurks in the corners of the mind. It's like an ominous shadow, without a place of origin, without the knowing of where it begins. Do you run from it? I often do. I've said before that I frequently get that feeling when entering a hardware store (of all places). There are times I just leave without accomplishing my task. I abandon my quest for relief. But sadness is just a feeling. And to feel it is just human. It has no power. I want to learn to accept sadness without judgement, feeling it fully and allowing it to subside on its own. There are emotions that feel uncomfortable to sit with, but sit with we must do. Observing the feelings seems like a start. Examining where it sits in the body, how the body wants to remove it. Taking away some of its power to influence action. Otherwise, I may go shopping, buy some chocolate or anything else the will push those feelings ...

When I was 12, my older sister Laurie got married. I was her flower girl and my little bro was the ring bearer. She married in June after school got out in her 18th year and is married still. She picked a good one. After she left, life in our home went downhill a bit. She was the last driver, as my mom never learned. From that point, we had to wait for others to come round. When I was 15 1/2, my mom took what little money she had from the sale of our family home and bought a Datsun B210 in a lovely shade of blue. I practiced with my brother-in-law to get the stick down before my test. The day I turned 16 our life improved greatly. We (my mom, lil bro and I) were mobile again. Freedom! No longer did we have to take buses or wait for the kindness of another family member. Mom and I got in the car that day and went for a long ride to the beach. I don't think we even got out. It was just a matter that we could get there and back on our own. I still love to drive, love long ...

I blew it again! The anxiety of a hard situation hit. I tried but failed to get the message across in a healthy way and, in the end, it was a blow up. Things were said, words were weapons, dogs fought and I reacted much more than poorly than I can say. Attempting self talk this morning: You made a mistake, you are not a mistake You have value The scars inside have a lot of power, they will not always I love you I will take care of you and that can be enough These feelings will go away, but meanwhile, feel them I can take care of you, remember that, remember that, remember that Tomorrow is another day.

LOVE YOURSELF......they are just words. They have no influence, no power. But learning to truly love yourself is life changing. Not in the narcissistic, self indulgent way. It's not feeding yourself to feel good, not buying something for yourself because you deserve it, and certainly not being selfish.  It's way different. I am going to describe it, for me, even though you may well have it. I am only learning...taking baby steps. I compare self love to the love I have for my children. It is completely unconditional. It loves them just as they are and it wants the best for them. My love for my kids sits and waits for them to come to their own realization of growth and maturity, it allows them their bumps and falls and then it tells them it'll be ok.  Imagine giving yourself that complete, unconditional love every day. Looking in the mirror and saying, "Good morning, I love you so much". Not critiquing the wrinkles or zits. I never look at my kids faces to ...

Yesterday, at the car wash, I watched a dodgy ole codger shuffle up to his old junker that had just been washed. He started to very rudely complain to the hard working young man that was unfortunately assigned to car. He complained that the kid had not thoroughly clean his rusty wheels, then aggressively pointed to supposed spots on his window. The kid got the manager and together they re-cleaned his rusty wheels. While they were busy on the other side, he picked up a couple of towels and started wiping the imaginary offenders off the driver side window. Then he opened his car door, threw the rags on the passenger side, started up the engine and drove away while to two young men were still working on the other side. No tip, no thank you, not sure he even paid for the wash as he did not give the young man his receipt, which is the normal procedure. I can’t say he was racist. He may treat everyone he encounters like complete crap but I have a feeling he felt free to be so arrogant...