An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Honestly, I am sick to death of the addicts and alcoholics in my life. I know some of you are both, and I am grateful for your blogging friendship but, in person, I want a whole lot less of that shit. That is all. Over and out. 

17 years ago, on a warm September afternoon, I was doing yard work and enjoying the weather. My girls had gone on a bike ride with our neighbor. They were 13 and 5 at the time. It was the first day of school and my little ones first day of kindergarten. They hadn't been gone very long when I have a strange feeling, Call it intuition, clairvoyance or a guardian angel. I’m not sure which but I knew something was wrong. It was a complete body thing that told me to move! A minute or two later I heard an ambulance. I ran in the house to grab my keys, got in the car and drove. I forgot to say something to my husband, I just left. Not a half a block from the house I got a call from the neighbor girl telling me that my youngest had been hit by a car when they were crossing in the crosswalk. She told me where they were and I drove there as quick as I could. I exited that car but I don’t remember how. I walked to my daughter's side but I don’t remember my feet touching the ground. The...

When I was young I thought all dogs were boys and that cats were the girls. It didn’t go much further than that. I didn’t have the wherewithal to figure out the sex part. Just a small child making assumptions and figuring life out. I also remember thinking that the noise I heard are night was stars twinkling. I did know crickets made noise but I didn’t put the two things together. In first grade I heard Richard, a classmate, call Darren, another classmate, a lesbian. After that, I spent probably 5 or 6 years thinking a lesbian was a person with a large, flat face. Darren had one and it didn’t occur to me that the name meant anything else. Odd how I made that jump. By the time Rosie O'Donnell came on the scene I had figured things out but it made me laugh a bit that she was a lesbian and had a large, rather flat face. None of that really matters but it’s funny that we start categorizing people and things at a very young age. I have to make myself stop putting people and things ...

Lake Tahoe is the second deepest lake in the U.S. It sits on the border of Northern California and Nevada. Known for its gorgeous blue water, the lake hosts fabulous winter and summer sports, although the water is a little too chilly for this girl. Because it sits in both states, it has the added bonus of gambling on the Nevada side for those who are inclined. It is our 2nd biggest lake, only exceeded in size by the Salton Sea (which is a lake and should be the subject for another day). My sweet girlfriend and her husband spend a lot of time up there throughout the year. These pics were from the hike she took yesterday: And this is today.  The weather can be spotty but its still gorgeous anyway you look at it. My first trip to Tahoe (at least that I can recall) was my honeymoon on September 15, 1985. We were young, broke and were hard pressed to afford the 5 days we stayed. My suggestion would be to pack for all weather and watch out for Canadian ...

Sing it sister! While she makes complete and utter sense it still comes down to "I am an individual citizen of this country. Allow me to make the best choice for me".  Meanwhile....I think that I may have found cartoon this on fellow blogger Bob's site,  I Should Be Laughing . His blog is fun, cheeky and covers a wide variety of subjects. Check it out. How is it that people are blind to the shortsightedness of  "You must have it, now you are on your own and do not expect help from us."?

My sweet lil dog is getting old. We’ve been taking her to the dog park nearly every day for a number of years. She loves it so much. She is ball focused and never plays with other dogs except when they take her ball, at which point she dogs them around the park until they drop it and then she comes back. She’s so incredibly feisty that she nearly always gets to the ball first no matter who is going after it. But lately she’s either worn herself out so much that she has to come home to sleep the rest the day or she runs after the ball and a leg will give out and she skids and rolls. And a few days ago she came home with a bad limp that hasn’t let up much. Nothing, and I mean nothing, stops this little dog. Last week we just realized that it is taking too much of a toll on her old body. We left her home, standing at the back door, which is glass, staring at us with a look of betrayal. We took Scruffy up to the park for her fun and necessary exercise. When I got home, Sophie was on...

Two years ago on a chilly March night, on the way home from a late movie, a dog ran into a dark but busy and large intersection.  We opened our car door and she jumped in, moved to the back seat and promptly fell asleep. The next few days, this sweet sweet girl, settled into our life while we tried to find her home. Eventually, we surmised that she was abandoned after a number of puppy litters, 30 lbs underweight, but tender hearted and fairly well trained. It was not the right time for us, but I had reconnected, through Facebook, with my childhood neighbor who happened to not only have recently lost a family pet but also had a lifetime love affair with boxers. We met halfway between Ventura and San Diego, where my friend introduced the sweet girl to her son. The decided to take her home with them. It has been heartwarming to watch “Rozee” become a integral part of their family and to be so well taken care of. Rozee and her boy  Do you have a rescue story?

Work has been in flux for far too long. These days, I find myself in more work related meetings than I want to be doing and the frustration builds on so many levels. First of all, they are phone meetings with multiple people. Under normal circumstance that has its own issues but with severe hearing loss I find that my body hates the meetings even more than I do. More often than not, I get off the phone and just sit and cry. Perhaps to release the tension of the challenges of the meeting, keeping up on current technology and jargon, etc. But also because as time goes on, I struggle more and more to distinguish what is being said and by whom. By the time I hang up, my body is so tense that I am forgetting to breathe. Pushing the red button on my iPhone, I rip the damn earbuds out, take a deep breathe and sob for just a little while. It's ok. I don't beat myself up for it. I am not being dramatic or immature, I am releasing frustration, stress and accepting that ...

Then Mom touches Elsa's hand and tries to make the question sound as if it is not so terribly important, just something she thought of spontaneously. "What do you have from me?"  Elsa stands in silence. Mom looks despondent. "I was just...well, you know, you said you had inherited certain things from your Grandmother and from your father, and I was just thinking, you know...". She goes silent, ashamed of herself as mothers are when they realize that they have passed that point in life where they want more from their daughters than their daughters want from them.  And Elsa put her hands over her moms checks and says mildly, "Just everything else Mom, I just have everything else from you".               ~My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry It happens so slowly. So much so that it is similar to the frog in the frying pan, where it is subtle enough that you don't realize it has happened until it is too late. But it is how ...

Alright friends, I've done some crying and am dealing with the ache in my heart. Now I am going to be the mom I most desire. I am going to arm myself with the tools that one learns as they raise their kids. Those tools that taught us to allow our kids to branch out and possibly fail, standing on the sidelines, cheering or applying bandages. I will help and support wherever I am asked. With a smile on my face I will help pack up a little apartment, support choices I have no weight in, put those two kitties in the cages they hate and help get those two young people ready for their next adventure. It's ok. Well it's not that ok but I can do this. I can.

Today I’m angry. I’m angry that life hasn’t turned out the way I had planned. I’m angry at that addict that turned everything upside down. I’m mad that all my kids have to leave this fucking town and I wonder why I have to stay. What is the point when you can’t have your family around? It’s ok though I know it’s not really anger but grief and I know that it’s normal and will dissipate over time but, for now, I will sit in it. Not wallowing but feeling and not telling myself it’s stupid to feel this way. Recognizing that its normal to feel the loss of a child leaving. Tomorrow is another day. 

In ACA meetings, we are suppose to talk about our experience, strength and hope in the expectation that relaying our walk will, somehow, help a fellow traveler. It often does. It can bolster my resolve and renew hope when I am despairing. Yesterday my girl texted me that her partner's job ended unexpectedly. So many things are going through my head. I am worried about her. I always worry about her but this layers on a bit more. I am worried they will move. My boys have left this little town and I can't say as I blame them. Ventura is a wonderful place to live if: You can make an above average income. This is a beach town and not very affordable. You have a pretty significant safety net. You need a lot of back up to keep life on track when things go wrong. You do not have a very specialized career. We are a small town and an hour or two from big industry. So, my girl and her man have hunkered down and are talking about options and I am here wanting to scream, to ...

I want a cat. I want a big orange cat. It's not time yet, but I'm going to get one someday.