Work has been in flux for far too long.
These days, I find myself in more work related meetings than I want to be doing and the frustration builds on so many levels.
First of all, they are phone meetings with multiple people. Under normal circumstance that has its own issues but with severe hearing loss I find that my body hates the meetings even more than I do. More often than not, I get off the phone and just sit and cry. Perhaps to release the tension of the challenges of the meeting, keeping up on current technology and jargon, etc. But also because as time goes on, I struggle more and more to distinguish what is being said and by whom. By the time I hang up, my body is so tense that I am forgetting to breathe.
Pushing the red button on my iPhone, I rip the damn earbuds out, take a deep breathe and sob for just a little while.
It's ok. I don't beat myself up for it. I am not being dramatic or immature, I am releasing frustration, stress and accepting that "out of control" feeling that I hate so much.
I'm glad I have an ACoA meeting tonight with a group of people I have grown to love and who have helped me grow as a person. Some meetings don't make me hold my breath and it's ok if I can't hear. Nobody needs anything from me, there are no wrong answers....just love.