An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

My Boy Scout wants to get married. He has for awhile. Can I tell you the terror I feel when looks at me with his puppy dog face and says those words? Oh lordy! I can't exactly explain why but somewhere deep within my heart there is a voice that shouts "RUN". Apparently it’s not too deep because he claims he seen the fear on my face. This man and I have had our ups and downs...some of them rather large. Many of them made larger by the child in me that was abandoned by her father and the woman in me that was betrayed by her husband. Despite that, I see that he has many great qualities, is a good man and I do love him very much. At times I think I am just destined to keep repeating history. When I learn to trust myself I will be able to decide. Thankfully, I don't have to decide today or tomorrow. And meanwhile, Well, meanwhile....I'll keep loving him and living our lives together, caring for each other and golfing our golden years away. Happy Sa...

I don't want to spend my life sitting on an electronic device, sleeping or in front of a TV. I want to see the world, meet people, hike mountains and learn. I think I'd like to take a sociology class, become involved in my community and maybe try out pottery. I'd like to make a stained glass window, become fluent in French and embolden my spirit with power and peace by letting go of the past. The minutes remaining are precious and who knows how limited. Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life. RALPH WALDO EMERSON What would you like to do that you haven't done yet?

When she was a early teenager, my young one bought a gum machine shaped note pad and wrote me a note asking if we could correspond with it. Over the years we have written many a sweet sentiment or note of encouragement to each other. In a rash of cleaning, I found it in a drawer. It has not been used for awhile....quite awhile. So I wrote a note and then sent it to my girl. While it took awhile, in return I got the following: We have our occasional struggles, she and I, but this warms a mothers heart.

WORD FOR THE DAY Anyone can be happy when they get what they want; the challenge is to stay grateful and peaceful even when the world around you feels crazy and dangerous and horrible. ELIZABETH GILBERT I miss so much of contented happiness due to worry. I want to let that damn worry go, set it free to the wind and stop letting it control my brain and actions. I want, so intensely, to be a trusting person.  I've made headway but there's still a frickin mountain ahead of me. Each time I start to feel the trust grow, something sets it back to a negative number instead of the almost 10 in a range of 1 to 100.  It's the little things that undermine it. It's the "Ooops, I forgot to mention" or the "It's really is not that big of a deal”  that do me in. If only it weren't that big of a deal....For one reason or another, it is.  The fact of the matter, I need to trust in me 100%. Everything I need is within me.....well, not yet...but it w...

22 years ago my former boss and good friend asked me for a favor. In addition to my own business, would I mind handling the accounting for a new endeavor he was considering.  Little did I know what I was getting myself into when I answered yes (which was the only answer I could give). A skateboard park, an indoor skateboard park, with a retail outlet, a cafe and about 25 to 30 employees. Much of my accounting experience had been with a well established business that purchased nothing on credit and had a full time CPA to do the tough stuff. It was baptism by fire. That baby opened its doors a few months before I gave birth to my fourth baby. It was a crazy time of life; overwhelming but we all got through it. That business had some major changes through the years. Employees came and went. One of the founders was killed in a motorcycle accident at 32, one went on to do other things, but I stayed.  It went from skateboard park to music venue to gaming for kids to mission out...

Today is my baby brother's birthday. I love that man. For so many years it was my mom, he and I on our own. That little bastard learned to drive a clutch before me, threw out my Barbies and requires power tools to get him to talk. He also held me in his arms as I grieved when I received the news that my then husbands illness was terminal (misdiagnosis but the emotions were the same). He is solid and trustworthy and quite a wonderful man. His inborn mechanical abilities are enviable. Despite the fact that our father left us for the last time when I was 12 and he was 11, he seemed to know about engines, building, cars and being a father (perhaps he had a little help from his wife on that). Happy birthday bro. So grateful to know you.

At some point in the last two month's, I somehow found the blog  Somewhere In Ireland Daily Photo . From there I have starting following a number of bloggers that post daily pictures from their lives. I just love it! I love seeing everyday life from these talented photographers. Freeways, bus stops, old buildings, people doing their jobs, etc. So enjoyable. Sometimes they include a story like this one  Ballinrobe Public Library  but most of the time it is the photos alone. I make little trips to Ireland, Netherlands,   Netherlands2 ,  Canada , Philippines , Sweden , Korea , Great Northwest , etc., each day. 

Former GOP Senator Rick Santorum says that the protesting kids should be taking CPR classes instead of looking to someone else to solve their problems. Newsflash Rick! We are the adults and they are children. We were the ones that were supposed to make sure they weren’t dying en masse in their schools in the first place. And like the Women’s Rights Movement, the Labor Movement of the 30’s, the Civil Rights Movement etc., it takes someone to finally have a strong enough voice to change the wind enough to get people off their asses and start doing the right thing. To Rick:  Keep talking.  You are strengthening their base by suggesting that their time is better spent preparing themselves for the next time and the next time and the next time. To the young people: I cannot wait till you all turn 18 and start voting. Keep the fire in your hearts. To anyone else:  We don’t need semi-automatic assault rifles in our society. Just my humble opinion. I haven’t heard an ar...

WORD FOR THE DAY May those whose hell it is to hate and hurt be turned into lovers bringing flowers. SHANTIDEVA, 8TH CENTURY BUDDHIST TEACHER In this time of great upheaval....this is who I want to be. I'm often not, but it's a worthy endeavor. Through love and kindness we can accomplish so much more than this nasty stuff that is our current reality. We have RAIN and I rejoice! Happy Wednesday peeps.

Sleep has eluded me for about 4 years now.  I used to be an Olympic sleeper! I could fall asleep just about anywhere and was known to sleep with power tools and pneumatic nail guns being used in the next room. Then it happened. The day when everything in life changed, including my ability to sleep. No longer did I fall asleep easy...no longer did I stay asleep longer than 2 or 3 hours. I tried many things. Meditation tapes, boring audio books, white noise and repetitive mantras. When I go too many nights without, I use a benadryl.  Knocks me on my butt but my head is full of butterflies most of the next day....I feel off. I once took an Ambien but peed the bed and slept right through it.....that scared me to be that out of it. A week or so ago, out of desperation, I finally tried THC. Relaxed my body well and good but my mind was still active and not in a good way. I don't think that is for me. Lately, the melatonin seems to be helping more than it once did. With some...

Yesterday the Boy Scout and I had a big blowup. It was political and ugly. I won’t going to details except to say that I handled my part poorly. When one feels strongly about something, it can be difficult to stay calm and Completely logical, especially in the face of what seems to be an illogical argument and a white washing of the things that are going on in the WH. That being said, I apologized for my part and I meant it. I’m sorry I blew up and I’m sorry I said things that I never I never should have. This morning at 6 AM, the man who loves to sleep more than anything, gets out of bed with a smile and goes into the kitchen to get ready for St Paddy’s day dinner before heading off to work. I see him dancing to Boston and the Eagles. I’m still laying under the blanket cause it’s cold out there. This man is an interesting creature that I have yet to figure out.

Well, it's been way too long since I've posted. I'd feel ashamed but I've been giving that feeling up more and more. The rain is HERE! and blessed be the rain. From this drought ridden part of the country, a fanciful imagining going through my head has all my garden rejoicing, shaking off the drops, trying to get every ounce of water into the soil beneath their leaves. My garden, which is not of my doing, is tropical. The gent before me installed palms and ferns and every manor of tropical plant imaginable. The more delicate of them have long since disappeared since I purchase this little place 3 years ago (how could it be 3 years). My first water bill after moving in, regrettably, forced me into mass planticide. I didn't pull anything but they had to be able to survive pretty much on their own. Before After I know, I know....the first one is prettier but it was an absolute jungle and certainly not worth $500.00 a month in water.   Happy Wednesday.....

I greet you from the other side of sorrow and despair with a love so vast and shattered it will reach you everywhere. LEONARD COHEN These days I find that from the other side of sorrow and despair I have a little more distrust and self protection than vast love. It's vast love I want but I am simply not there yet.   Love me some Leonard though.