An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

John Gray...you lovely man....even if you try to deny it. Wanted you to know that I have rarely heard such a lovely story as  Accident and Emergency 1990 , and have shared it with everyone that I suspect will listen to me. It's a rare occasion when I get through it without tears or, at least, a large lump in my throat. Thank you for being tender hearted and willing. This story could be an ugly joke or forgotten moment in the hands of one less worthy.

Yesterday, while the Boy Scout worked, I golfed with a sweet friend. A junior was added  to our twosome on off we went. The junior turned out to be 12 year old Jayla and she out-golfed us both! Her mom walked with her and coached her. At first I thought, "Oh NO....One of THOSE moms!!" but that was not the case. They were cute together, mom was encouraging and Jayla was a great sport. Admittedly I have no idea what they were saying most of the time as they spoke to each other in whispered Chinese but they wore smiles and they engaged with us in a casual and fun way. Jayla's shots were straight and strong. I have met the most wonderful people on the golf course and have had very few negative experiences. The good far outweighs any bad. Me                   Jayla                 Laura Happy Monday....Hope you have a great week.

The internet is AMAZING! This is the dresser except it was a bear The very first thing I remember is being in a tiny childs bed. The discomfort of the damp cloth that is sticking to my skin makes me squirm a bit even now. Knowing it was not ok to pee the bed, I remember ashamedly climbing out. I can see my chubby feet touching the floor but cannot, for the life of me, remember the color of the carpet (I suspect avocado green). Getting into the teeny, blond wood armoir e sporting a teddy bear decal on the door, I search for dry clothes while attempting to be quiet because my sleeping brother is laying in a crib near me. The colors were different but otherwise so close The fact that my bro is still quite small means I would be, at most, 2 1/2. I love that I have glimpses that go that far back into my childhood. I also remember a particular outfit I adored. A little sundress that had straps that crossed in back and buttoned with two big white buttons. It had matching bottoms th...

My inside self is outside of time and space. It doesn't have an age. I'm every age I've ever been, and so are you. ~Anne Lamott Isn't that the truth? Like in the David Whyte poem I posted the other day, we are still those people we were when we were 10, 25 or 49. What was your favorite time of life? When did you feel most yourself, full, rich and settled? At first, I would say it was when I was a young mom. I loved that time....the caring, the being needed, working hard at being a good parent and the gorgeous, unconditional love of a young child. But on second thought I realized it is right now. RIGHT NOW.  Yes, the body doesn't quite work as well and the lovely skin of my youth is now softer, thinner and graced with lines of laughter, longing, heartache and love but now is where I truly belong. Otherwise I am either living in the past, which is gone, or waiting for the future, which never really comes. Loving freer and caring deeper than ever ...

Yesterday was our weekend now that the Boy Scout has a job bartending (which is a subject for another blog post). We spent a wonderful day in downtown Los Angeles. It was nice just being together and enjoying the sights and sounds. I love how each section has a very distinct feel. We had lunch in a restaurant called  Petit Trois , which is a tiny hole in the wall with fabulous food with a french flair. We sat at the counter and watched everything being prepared. It was crowded and bustling but the head chef watched over everyone, making sure it was up to his standards. He stepped in when needed and looked over every dish before being served. I enjoyed watching the culinary dance. While looking on I noticed the head chef's arms. There were burns, bumps and tattoos, then suddenly he pulled up his sleeves and revealed the evidence of old cutting. The top of his forearms showed the scarring of repeated cuts. Nothing fresh. How I would have loved to hear his sto...

To my women friends who are of a certain age...thought it was beautiful and thought of you (especially you,  Birdie  and  Lolly  ) Mid life woman you are not invisible to me. I seem to see beneath your face all the women you have ever been. Midlife woman I have grown with you secretly, in another parallel, breathing with you as you breathed, seeing with you as you see, lining my face with an earned care as you lined yours, waiting for you, as it seems you waited for me. I see your inner complexion breathing beneath your outward gaze, I see all your lives and all your loves, it must be for you that I wanted to become more generous, a better man than ever I could be when young, let me join all your present giving and all your receiving, through you I learn the full imagination of every previous affection. Mid life woman you are not invisible to me, in you I see a young girl, lifting her face to the sky, I see the youn...

Our group health insurance pisses me off! I am 54 and exercise regularly, take care of myself pretty darn good, rarely drink and have never smoked.  My co-worker is 48, rarely exercises, smokes up a friggin storm and drinks like a damn fish.  My monthly premium is $200.00 more than his.  To top it all off...it is 793.00 per month with a....WAIT FOR IT.....$3,000.00 deductible. Most the time, I don't even come close to meeting it. How asinine is that? Nearly $10,000.00 a year just in case I get sick. Still I am grateful for having it just in case, but I say that begrudgingly. That's all I have to say about that.

When I was a little girl I used have this fear that I would blink and suddenly I would be old. It kinda happened. I blinked and here I am, wrinkled skin and all. How? I just can't say. I have had much joy but I also have so many regrets and yet to regret means to not live in the present, doesn't it? I want to embrace today....everyday. So here goes....to this little office that I spend so much time in...working and sometimes not doing too much work.....I am grateful that you have kept me warm. You have allowed special people to walk by your doorway every day. You've introduced me to the most interesting souls. Smiles and grunts and casual waves have run past you like quick, small snippets of film. But they are my snippets, my people, my life.  I've enjoyed being here inside and now that I know you are soon going to become a part of my past,  I will commit to memory as best I can the good times, the sharing of secrets and the healing that took place in this room....

Steve at  Shadows and Light  talked about a massage yesterday and that reminded me of an adventure, for lack of a better word, that the Boy Scout and I had. We had golfed all day and I had a sore neck. I mentioned I knew a good little massage place that was open until 9:00pm. Finding it closed down for good, we searched for another. The place we found was not fancy by any means but, what the heck, we took a chance. I went in first. Neck and back felt nice. She gets to work on my calves and then thighs, then started working her way up. It was not until then it occurred to me that this might not be what I thought it was. Girl was getting way to close to (ahem) the lady bits. Yuppers, I definitely was getting uncomfortable. Using body language, I let her know that was quite enough. Eventually, she had me sit up and worked on my shoulders. Then she did a sort of movement that started at my shoulders and worked her way down the sides of my body....in a rather sensual way....

Rain!  We had rain last night! You may sit there and think I am crazy but it is so rare that we get rain that I do believe I should have gone out to do a rain dance....in the middle of the night...naked....to keep it coming. Ok, well I guess not but I am GRATEFUL. It wasn't much judging by my pair of work boots I accidentally left out but, all the same, I'll take it. Hope your Tuesday is spectacular!!!

Please no military parade! Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is completely aware we are THE powerhouse. According to a Business Insider report from October of 2015, we outspent #2 (Russia, of course) by $516.5 BILLION. Our active personnel is just short of double. Why in the world would we need to spend tax dollars on a parade when we have hungry children, veterans who need more and better mental and health care, the citizens of Puerto Rico are still suffering and just so many other things that those resources could be better spent on.

I thought I had nothing to write about but low-and-behold I got my daily email from gratefulness.org and thought again. When I feared the horrific feeling of pain that accompanied the loss of my dreams I tried to run from it. In doing so, that bastard grabbed me by the neck and tried to kill me. It whispered horrific things in my ear about what might happen and how unworthy and worthless I was. Grief gets mean when you try to shove it away. When I stopped and realized that every feeling I have is ok, not necessarily good but ok, I could sit with it and see it for what it was....grief. Not being blinded by the grief allowed me to see what was left over from the explosion, the stuff I could still be grateful for. These days, I sit with a lot more of my feelings than ever before. Not always, sometimes I revolt, fight back. It looks a little like two Tom cats with hair flying and dust spewing, it gets pretty damn ugly. But doing better is always a good thing, so I keep trying. I s...

In regards to my last post that spoke of hatred and ugliness, how I wish that woman could hear this and ACTUALLY hear this. Love always wins..... I choose love ♥

Did you know that Muslims are taking over the world. That they are breeding specifically to do that? Did you?!? I went to a superbowl party yesterday. As I sat with the hostess and another guest the conversation flowed from pets to travel to MUSLIMS. This guest actually said that the world is going to pot because Muslims are breeding prolifically and we (I am assuming she meant us whities) are not reproducing enough. She was channeling a perfect Archie Bunker!!! And although, as a guest of a guest, I felt inclined to speak to her small mind and caustic venom, I bit my tongue. I excused myself as quickly as I could but believe me when I tell you that I exercised an incredible amount of restraint last night. Otherwise, the party was good. A long night of small talk for this introvert and I am exhausted. I want to hide away today.....please this girl just don't want to talk. Have a great Monday.

Last night I dreamt I was sitting in a chair outside in a yard that I did not recognize. The door opened and a 3 year old walked out the door right up to me. My first son, with his chubby, chubby cheeks, sad big brown eyes and straight light brown hair came close.  He stood there as I held his beautiful face, I pushed his hair back then kissed big smooches on his mushy cheeks. I could smell his sweet scent, a mix of baby shampoo, a hint of breakfast and a little touch of dirt.  I woke crying from the sweet love I felt. 

30 years ago, this very moment, I was experiencing a whole bunch of firsts. First time for: being in the hospital (except for my own birth) having surgery being put under anesthesia having my pubes shaved meeting the biggest part of my heart in human form I remember being so nervous. Feeling out of control. Having to trust practical strangers with so much. Wondering what kind of mom I would be, what kind of parents we would be. If I knew then what I know now.....I would have cried. Cried for that man who was a good father, who tried so hard, but, in the end, could not hold it all together. I loved him and I remember clearly, despite the fact of being on loads of drugs for the planned C-section, how he held that girl and wept from pure joy. He held her close, just below his chin, as his tear flowed. But I digress.... This girl, who made me Mom, is precious and lovely. I've known her from her very first breath and, yet, there are times where I feel I hardly know...