An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I fail and fail and fail....over and over again. I know the person I want to be but the transformation takes so damn long. Having the best of intentions, that old me takes over and grabs my thoughts before awareness manifests itself. Hijacked by the person I used to be. Almost like a split personality...the one that protects the host at any cost. I fail but I pick myself up and attempt to clean up the devastation left from the storm. It's so interesting that just a few months back I considered myself well on track to some major healing. But things have changed and the peace has been challenged in new ways leaving me to realize there is still a long way to go. A few lessons from this weekend: Just because a thought comes to mind, does not make it a fact. It is just a stinkin thought.  Pain needs to be felt for what it is. Don't relegate the pain to another person in the hopes it might alleviate your distress. Feel it and know what it is. Learn to trust where it is ...

So, the holidays are here. The second without my Secret Keeper. The first is a blur. I remember putting lights up with the company of my frenchie and two cats. I remember going to get a tree and a huge family fight. I remember the pain and the sleepless nights. Christmas Day was precious and unique and sweet and achingly lonely and sad all at the same time. It's still a little hard. There's an ache where my gratitude is suppose to be.  The beloved rituals built over a lifetime bring a sadness that doesn't want to go away just yet. My Secret Keeper was always heavily involved in this process. There was a time when it was all six of us. How I loved those years when each item removed from the boxes evoked a memory of an event or a special loved one. It has slowly dwindled as the kids lost interest or went off to school; now it's just me.  Three trips to storage to get the xmas boxes out. I don't have room for even a third of it. I'll take this time to thin thing...

Today, while in a retail establishment, I got to chatting with the owner. First niceties and pleasantries and then a warm conversation that led to.......Sisterhood. Somehow (God, of course), we stumbled upon the fact that Al-Anon had saved both of our lives. Mine from bitterness and anger, hers from heartbreak and sorrow; both of us from struggling with the craziness of controlling the freak out of the ones we love. Our qualifiers are different and the same but that doesn't really matter does it? Our backgrounds are polar opposites. It's what we do with the lessons we learn in the Al-Anon rooms that connect us in a way that few other things do. The beauty of sharing each others "recovery" and, maybe, bolstering each other up in it, was awesome. I left with a bag full of something pretty and a heart full of knowing lots of us walk this planet...trying hard to heal and do better and be brave, Living and Let Live, knowing it's Progress, Not Perfection, and tak...

Some days I am surprised at the aloneness I can feel when doing something I once loved.  Today, while puttering in my new garden, I was overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness. You know the kind I mean? The kind that starts in your gut, sort of uncomfortable, and then starts to twist so tightly that it pulls on your heart until it aches and then presses on your chest until breathing becomes harder and harder and you feel the need collapse in a ball; to howl loudly. If only it wasn't so socially unacceptable, if only it didn't worry my loved ones; I'd have done it and it felt as if, once it started, it might not stop for a good long while. Once the feeling passed and I returned to my task, it was good for me to reflect that, although the last 5 or so years had been very tough and the last year and a half fairly unbearable, that even when times were not great, my Secret Keeper and I had companionable times in the garden.  We bounced ideas off each other and we worked together...

This slogan is a good one to write about today as I spent last evening doing just the opposite. So much easier to point the fingers the other way, isn't it? Disappointed in myself for reverting without recognizing it and grieved by the pain I cause someone else, clearly some soul searching and research was in order. I did some reading in "How Al-Anon Works" and found this timely and helpful: “When we are tempted to blame others for our problems or to justify our own poor behavior by pointing to the poor behavior of others, this slogan reminds us where our focus rightfully belongs…. ‘Let it begin with me’ is a way to change the things we can—especially our own attitudes—instead of waiting for everyone else to change to suit us. This is like going hungry while waiting for someone who doesn’t cook to make dinner. ‘Let it begin with me’ might suggest that we go ahead and cook for ourselves, go out for dinner, or make plans with someone who cooks. In short, we take respons...

This slogan is a huge blessing if you remember to use it whenever considering a great dose self flagellation. I was the queen of beating myself up. A nice long morning run spent berating myself for anything....mothering skills, poor cooking, bad wife, lousy Christian....you name it. A favorite was "How could you be so stupid?". Not sure where this habit was picked up but a nasty one. When switching to gratitude over shame, life became more beautiful but there were still many loathsome character traits to deal with. Known or unknown, my deepest desire was to wrangle those suckers into manageable sizes and get them under even a semblance of control. As I have reported before, FEAR was my biggest problem but it reared its ugly head in so many ways that it often went unrecognized. It hit and I went to anger or guilt or jealousy, never realizing I was simply afraid.  Things have improved dramatically! Fear still has some control but, in time, the flawed thinking come...

Today, I wish each and every one of you love, grace and gratitude. My journey to healing began with gratitude…..a daily effort to reverse my thought process and just find little things to be grateful for. Anything at all: sometimes just a ray of sunshine or a farty little dog. It doesn't matter what....only when and if. With love, grace and gratitude in place, all the other things seem to come easier. Learning to; disagree without ugliness, have boundaries and being able to express them, love others but not give yourself completely away, have a wonderful conversation or act of love instead of buying shit and, especially, learning to allow others to grow at their own pace. I’ve such a long, long way to go.

Being a "victim" can be a way of life for many. In our society, we are adept at assigning blame and making excuses for almost anything. Some adopt this coping mechanism because they are uncomfortable with their own anger. There are also those who feel inadequate and swamped by events. Many harbor a childish belief that the world should be fair, using their early helplessness and applying it to the here and now, keeping them paralyzed from making changes in their reactions. Sadly, there are benefits to the role of victim.  Victims often know who to approach to get attention and validation. If they don't receive it from one they easily move to the next person who "understands" their situation.  Victims don't have to take chances. Life happens to them, they don't make life happen. They often avoid big responsibilities. Blaming others instead of taking their own inventory. The victim gets gratification from being "right" when others do ...

Think is a wonderful tool, especially for those of us who feel entitled to say exactly what is on our minds at any given time. "Think" reminds us that the outcome is bound to be better if we think the whole process through to the end. Asking myself, "What is better? Getting crap off my chest and all parties being resentful, angry and hurt or thinking the issue through and realizing that not everyone wants or needs to be the recipient of my wisdom ."?   Easy answer! Recently, I had the opportunity to put this tool to good use. I was put in an uncomfortable situation. I could have spoken out, let the "truth" be known but instead I was quiet. I thought it out carefully and, afterwards, was able to discuss the situation so that it was likely to never happen again. It was a huge victory for me. Previously, I might have put my two cents in....perhaps sarcastically...and then all parties would be uncomfortable and some would be angry, BUT, I would have been ...

I have a number of different names: Child one: Mum Child two: Momma Child three: Mother Child four: Mommallama Fam of origin: Lin Boyfriend: Cricket Former Boss: LMB Sweet Texan Friend: Miss Linda Too many people: Bitch (the former me) Lots of different names. Lots of different roles. I wear each one separately. My goal is to put them all together and be one person all the time. Consistent, loving, with strong boundaries, empathetic and with a healthy dose of self care. In business and in daily life, my desire is shed all masks and find me...the real me.  After all these years, who the hell am I? I am a mom who isn't needed they way she once was. I was a wife but am no longer one. I am a daughter with no parents, a sister redefining the relationships. A business owner, a girlfriend and a dog owner. A gal with a lot of fears. “While we are all connected, we must face our own challenges alone.” ~Yut Face your inner demons; own your responsibility...

Step One- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable. It really goes way deeper than that, doesn't it? Of course we are powerless over alcohol. But the fact of the matter I am completely powerless over just about  everything  except my reactions, my attitudes and my ability to love and be loved. What a freeing idea. One might think that this would put you into a state of weakness but far from it. It's wonderful to let go of all the things that were  truly  out of my control anyways. I couldn't see it, of course. Deluding myself to thinking I was able to maneuver  and manage most situations. My Secret Keeper is NOT the one that made my life  unmanageable , it was my own doing. Brought on by a  child's  warped survival techniques adopted due to heartache and pain and fostered by the  calluses  that protected my tender soul. Add into that a very large dose of ego and you've got an e...

I used to think that this slogan, But For The Grace of God, was demeaning. Almost a "God looked kindly at me but weren't so lucky" kind of mentality. It's taken on a new meaning now. It reminds me to check my ego and develop my empathy and compassion in a deeper, more effective way. It allows me to set aside my "go to" feelings of criticism, impatience, resentment and anger and requires me to think the situation through with a genuine interest in the other being as well as myself. If a wholehearted approach is used, everyone comes out the better. My first and, thus far, most treasured entry in the One Day at A Time book is this: My attitude toward another – whether drinking or not – can have untold influence on the life of my family. Perhaps, through long drinking years, I acquired the habit of tearing him down, showing my contempt for his actions, indignation at the neglect of obligations. I am responsible for the consequences of such attitudes. Ev...

Just because we acquire a large tool box and fill it up doesn't mean we open it when we should. It sure doesn't mean that we find the right tool the first time round. Sometimes it feels like using the tools requires a certain lack of caring. They call it detachment but detachment is a really tough job! Detachment says, "I love you, care for your well being, need your love and affection but know I can't or won't or shouldn't even try to change this situation, therefore I will let it go....give it to my Higher Power. The letting go part goes against my entire being. My heart screams advance, make changes, do your best to affect the outcome. It says protect yourself at any costs. My brain knows that it is self sabotage and results in alienation, broken relationships and robs people of their dignity, but getting my heart to shut the hell up is a difficult thing. It's a new day, so.... Just For Today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust...

All about trust. Do I trust God enough to give all my worries over to Him? Recently something came up with one of my kids. A big red flag. For a few moments I went back into my untreated Al-Anon mode. The one that never, EVER did me any good. My brain knows that to be true and yet it kicks in and and off I go!  Luckily, within a minute or two, I stopped what I was doing and just said "NO" not this time and walked away. Using my Al-Anon tools, I briefly shared my concern with someone and then I let it go. I gave my child up to my Higher Power and recognized the I had none, zero, zilch, nothing, no power over this situation. Taking a great big breathe, I moved on with my day, not really giving the situation another thought until someone else brought it up. My child is doing pretty darn good and is well aware that I am here if I am needed. That's enough. It so interesting how I used to think that if I just said the right words, did the right things, that the person in...