Sunday, November 29, 2015

Fake It Till You Make It

So, the holidays are here. The second without my Secret Keeper. The first is a blur. I remember putting lights up with the company of my frenchie and two cats. I remember going to get a tree and a huge family fight. I remember the pain and the sleepless nights. Christmas Day was precious and unique and sweet and achingly lonely and sad all at the same time.

It's still a little hard. There's an ache where my gratitude is suppose to be.  The beloved rituals built over a lifetime bring a sadness that doesn't want to go away just yet. My Secret Keeper was always heavily involved in this process. There was a time when it was all six of us. How I loved those years when each item removed from the boxes evoked a memory of an event or a special loved one. It has slowly dwindled as the kids lost interest or went off to school; now it's just me. Three trips to storage to get the xmas boxes out. I don't have room for even a third of it. I'll take this time to thin things out. I'd like to do so with a good attitude; without the building feeling of resentment.  I'll get there.

Pretending in the hopes it will happen soon. Fake it till you make it right?

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