Monday, November 16, 2015

Progress, Not Perfection

This slogan is a huge blessing if you remember to use it whenever considering a great dose self flagellation.

I was the queen of beating myself up. A nice long morning run spent berating myself for anything....mothering skills, poor cooking, bad wife, lousy name it. A favorite was "How could you be so stupid?". Not sure where this habit was picked up but a nasty one.

When switching to gratitude over shame, life became more beautiful but there were still many loathsome character traits to deal with. Known or unknown, my deepest desire was to wrangle those suckers into manageable sizes and get them under even a semblance of control. As I have reported before, FEAR was my biggest problem but it reared its ugly head in so many ways that it often went unrecognized. It hit and I went to anger or guilt or jealousy, never realizing I was simply afraid. 

Things have improved dramatically! Fear still has some control but, in time, the flawed thinking comes to light and the situation is mended. Whether a glib comment to make me feel more comfortable at someone else's expense or an argument that was caused by a huge scenario made up in my head about what could or might happen, these days it is caught so much earlier than before. My apology or explanation is quick and best of all.....I don't give myself 30 lashes....I celebrate a victory,

I had a bit of a tough night, but this morning my run was spent with gratitude, people watching, enjoying the feel of the cold wind on my skin and in awe of our beautiful ocean. Fear was with me but it took a back burner to much more important things. PROGRESS!

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