An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I am sometimes amazed at how things in my head go so askew. During a 2nd session with a counselor she noted that I had mentioned either: feeling stupid, being afraid of looking stupid, shame for being stupid or doing something stupid. How did appearing ignorant become my biggest fear? The craziest thing about growing up in an alcoholic home is that the insanity is normal to you. It’s all you know. It wasn’t until I was 50 and everything fell apart that I realized that the walls I had built to protect myself were my jail. I have exhausted myself to keep the fear at bay. I have exhausted myself to prove myself worthy of love. I am exhausted. I am not, however, stupid. I have made many mistakes.....that does not equal ignorance...that is my humanity. And despite what I gleamed as a child, I am worthy of love. Good love, love without lies, healthy love.....  The sooner I can give that to myself, the sooner I can accept it from someone else. Did someone tell me I was stupid? ...

We are planning a trip. Putting our home on HomeExchange.com.  Done it before to with terrific results and looking forward to trying again. We've already got one offer to Toulon in the South of France but that's not where I am thinking of going. I've got a passport for the first time when I was 49. It has one stamp in it..Roissy.CDG. We went to Paris..the 6 of us. I have some wonderful memories of that trip but there is also a dark cloud. Little did we know that the Secret Keeper was so far into his addiction that he could barely hold it together. His odd behavior kept us off balance and confused. And honestly, my reaction to it probably hurt the kids. I did not like him anymore, in fact, there were times I hated him. In truth, I hated the addict, I just didn't know it. This time I will go with my best friend, the person who makes me laugh and who loves me despite my faults. This time it will be different. I am different. The Boy Scout and I will be taking our fi...

As I walked through the crowded room, I felt just like me. Strong, in control, fearless, partner, mother, business woman, runner, daughter, sister and friend. But then I pass by a mirror and someone else looks back. When did it happen? How did she get here? This woman who has taken so much...who the hell is she? Gone forever is the daughter...one cannot be a daughter without parents. Lost is the control; was it ever there? The business woman remains but she is the one I like the least. Hidden deep within is the runner but she will never resurface. The sister is still there but so changed that I hardly recognize her. There a big hole where there once was loving closeness...why or how big or how it happened I cannot say. I sometimes resent this woman. How dare she show up? I am not ready. My friends say "Be grateful...consider the alternative." I need to make friends with her. I could use another bosom buddy, one who loves me unconditionally. Can't we all use anoth...

We really like our neighbors. They moved in a year ago and it's been great getting to know them. Last night we went to a local brat and brew. It was........interesting. Step inside the restaurant and, lo and behold, it was trivia night. A raucous local crowd of regulars competing in teams in three rounds for the prize of a few bucks. The problem....it was a noisy group....and I couldn't hear a damn thing. I got the gist of a few of the questions but could not take part in any way as the three others in my group whispered to reach a consensus or prove their intellectual prowess. Either way, I sat like a lump, feeling rather stupid and very isolated. It sucked....not remotely fun. I tried to make the best of it but really, I wanted to walk home while they had their fun. The hot dog was tasty, I hate beer. Next time, a quieter place and a better attitude.

Do you ever get lonely?  You must. What do you do that helps drive the lonely away?

Today I got a few things done and feel a sense of accomplishment. They were little things, nothing big.  I installed a toilet paper holder. Went to Lowe’s for a 5/16 drillbit because that ended up somewhere else in the divorce. Dug through MY easy access tool drawer for the necessary tools. I used anchors with the screws so the thing doesn't fall off in a month. I checked for level and VOILA, done.    Then I raised the picture that hangs in the guest room. My walls are 80 year old lath and plaster which means if you are not careful you can cause a crack that starts in one spot and keeps on going till it feels good and ready to stop. Using some support tape, I drilled pilot holes, inserted anchors and screws and rehung a little higher. blocked by armoire Truth be told, there was a time I resented the Boy Scout for not being a handyman type but he has his good qualities and I’d rather hang a picture than cook any day...

WORD FOR THE DAY My prayer is, let me be a blessing to someone or something today. JEAN HOUSTON A worthy prayer or mantra for those who don’t pray. I do but in my own way. I rubbed my mans feet after a long day at work. I took my girls to the movies, loved on the dog before I went.  Stopped and talked to some of the people moving out of my office. Let them know I enjoyed working with them and will miss them. I should call my sister but am not quite ready. I tried to walk gently through this world today.

My girls and I made an appointment and went to a cat cafe. It’s really a misnomer as there are loads of cats but no cafe unless you consider a pot of hot water and coffee and tea packets a cafe. No worries.  We came for the cats and I don’t even drink coffee. It was wonderful.  All kitties were up for adoption and will probably get it as they were all pretty calm and friendly. It's a wonderful cause and the Crazy Cat Lady that is running it was sweet. We had a great time, loving the kitties and chit chatting the afternoon away.

I have been busy looking for a new office as my current one will be closing down soon. I don't see clients and I don't need a lot of room. I noticed a little building one block from my house had a sign in the window.  It's not pretty or new or fancy but geeeezz....one block!!! So, I called the number last week. Waiting patiently, I decided to call again after a couple of days. NOTHING! On Easter day, I mention to the Boy Scout that he might give it a try. He grabbed the phone and, low and behold! Boy Scout calls at 5:28 and gets a damn return call at 5:37 on EASTER SUNDAY!!!! WTF? Don't tell me there is an even playing field when a grown ass woman cannot get a return phone call on an EMPTY building. GRRRRRRRR! Wouldn't that be cool though? To work that close. 

Follow up from the other day... I’ve never liked to use the word partner (it’s sounds so business like) to define our relationship. The Boy Scout mentioned that in some legal docs he would now be referred to as “John Doe, an unmarried man” because he is divorced as opposed to “John Doe, a single man”. We decided we will call each other “my unmarried husband” and “my unmarried wife”. I like it. 

This is my home.  All 790 sq ft of it. It’s not fancy but it is mine and I am pretty fond of it. I’d almost say I love it except I am reminded of how much of my heart I gave the last house and how little she gave me in return. In my previous life I would be constantly thinking of all the projects I wanted to do. The wood floors are appalling, there is no insulation, the windows are original and BAD. But now-a-days I feel like as long as it's pretty clean...I'm ok with the rest of it. I don't have a bunch of extra cash and I refuse to go in debt. It's a snap to clean and just enough room (as long as I have a storage unit). I hope the Boy Scout and I can spend our remaining days here. That would be just fine with me. Happy Easter y’all  🐣