That’s So Stupid

I am sometimes amazed at how things in my head go so askew. During a 2nd session with a counselor she noted that I had mentioned either: feeling stupid, being afraid of looking stupid, shame for being stupid or doing something stupid.

How did appearing ignorant become my biggest fear?

The craziest thing about growing up in an alcoholic home is that the insanity is normal to you. It’s all you know. It wasn’t until I was 50 and everything fell apart that I realized that the walls I had built to protect myself were my jail.

I have exhausted myself to keep the fear at bay. I have exhausted myself to prove myself worthy of love. I am exhausted.

I am not, however, stupid. I have made many mistakes.....that does not equal ignorance...that is my humanity. And despite what I gleamed as a child, I am worthy of love. Good love, love without lies, healthy love.....  The sooner I can give that to myself, the sooner I can accept it from someone else.

Did someone tell me I was stupid? I honestly cannot remember. But I am not  I am not.

Comments

  1. anne marie in phillyApril 21, 2018 at 3:07 AM

    as a child, I got told I was stupid all the time, from parents and teachers. well guess what? I AM NOT STUPID, I AM VERY SMART! how the hell else would I have survived this long if I didn't use my brain!

    and if someone today tells me I'm stupid, I just say "I know YOU are, but what am I?" fully confident in my intellectual abilities I am!

    now go kick some stupid in the taint!

    ReplyDelete
  2. mxtodis123April 21, 2018 at 3:47 AM

    I, too, grew up in an alcoholic home, my dad, and because he was always getting into bar fights with mom having to go get him out of jail, kids used to tease me. It always got around. Small towns are like that. I was called stupid and laughed at. I carried these feelings around with me for a long time. Took many years of counseling to get where I am now...and even at that, I am still overly sensitive about things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dApril 21, 2018 at 1:14 PM

      Love to you and the beautiful child you were.

      Delete
  3. Marie SmithApril 21, 2018 at 4:11 AM

    You are not! The fact you can voice this fear is proof among so many other ways you show you are not!

    ReplyDelete
  4. DUTAApril 21, 2018 at 4:21 AM

    Sometimes, I wish I could blame my parents for my failures. After all they were Holocaust survivors, didn't want to have me born, life was hard in my childhood etc.. But, for some reason, I can't.
    Yes,I agree with your 'love thyself first, and then you'll get love from someone else'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dApril 21, 2018 at 1:15 PM

      Our parents were imperfect at best but I try to give them the same compassion and forgiveness I would like from my kids.

      Delete
  5. JeanieApril 21, 2018 at 5:41 AM

    No, you're not stupid. And yes, we all make mistakes (sometimes stupid ones, to be sure) but most are simply mistakes. It starts so early doesn't it? You are strong -- take the word "stupid" from out of your vocabulary!

    ReplyDelete
  6. ColetteApril 21, 2018 at 5:58 AM

    I think you are wonderful, interesting, brave, and super damn smart.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Debra She Who SeeksApril 21, 2018 at 6:31 AM

    No one is stupid who has a good heart like you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dApril 21, 2018 at 1:17 PM

      You are very kind Debra, goddess that you are.

      Delete
  8. MarthaApril 21, 2018 at 8:33 AM

    You are an amazing woman. Repeat several times a day ❤️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda dApril 21, 2018 at 1:17 PM

      Back at you Martha dear. Hope you are well.

      Delete
  9. Tammie LeeApril 21, 2018 at 1:40 PM

    Lovely realization.
    It is interesting to listen to the words we use, a great way to discover clues.

    Thank you for your visit and kind message.

    ReplyDelete
  10. BillApril 21, 2018 at 2:46 PM

    You are an intelligent woman who is trying to figure things out. A stupid person doesn't want to figure things out. There are so many clueless and stupid people already out there in the world and you are surely not one of them.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Margaret (Peggy or Peg too)April 23, 2018 at 6:04 AM

    As long as I have been reading, stupid, is not something I ever gleamed from your post. Insightful, kind, hurt, empathetic, funny, smart and loving are the things I have taken away. Granted I am certain there are more adjectives but I've only been around for a month or two. :-) So here's to broads like us who have some doubts at times about ourselves but know for certain what we are, and stupid "ain't" one of them. ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  12. My life so farApril 24, 2018 at 6:54 AM

    When I was kid my father always said to me, geeze you're stupid, geeze you're ugly. The stupid part didn't stick but the ugly part did. I was in my thirties when I asked my mum to tell my dad to please stop saying it to me.

    My ex husband convinced me I was the crazy one and that I was bad with money. Turns out I'm good with money and investments and I'm not crazy, well, not that crazy:)

    I ran into a guy that used to work with my husband and I told him that I had remarried and that my new husband was basically the opposite of ex. The guy said, so he's tall and happy? Yep. It wasn't just me.

    ReplyDelete

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