An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Addiction is a disease of not wanting to deal with life on lifes terms. The insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Clearly, even though I do not drink and I do not do drugs, the affect of alcoholism is prevalent. Despite my desire to change, I feel powerless and my life is unmanageable as it is. I ache and feel sad and don't know the answers to my problems. Today, a new day, I start again to turn my life and my will over to the care of my God. Giving it up once again and expect that today goes better.  

I want to reclaim victory over my fears. I want to live and let live and allow people to deal with their choices in life but it is so difficult. Daily, my goal is to wrestle the anxiety that squeezes out peace and put it where it belongs-ACCEPTANCE. Consciously I am aware that there is a much better way to live. Allowing my loved ones to choose their course of action and leaving them to deal with the consequences is the right thing to do. That knowledge flows through my fingers like water when confronted with the more uncomfortable situations. There is a fine line between healthy boundaries and ultimatums. On the other side there is a less than fine line between a willingness to please and giving ones soul away. Many people do a little of both, some do a lot of one or the other. I'm a whiz at ultimatums, often believing I have the right to do whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable inside. Let it go!!!  Embrace the knowledge that everything is going to be OK end the en

Yesterday we celebrated Christmas. Boy #2 is going to school in Portland and could not make it home on the 25th. We waited. He got home on Sunday night and I could not have been happier. Monday we celebrated by being together. The Boy Scout and I spent a good part of the day cooking and cleaning. He is an amazing cook and the dinner came out pretty much fantastic. The bright spot of the evening was when I sat in the living room with my kids and their significant others sitting at the dining room table, talking and laughing and just being together. It happens so rarely these days. I cannot really express to my children the deep comfort I get from having siblings that have been there for me through thick and thin. They have my shared memories and their own memories that can expand the view of our childhood. They have my back even when I am wrong or behaving selfishly. Very close to the unconditional love of our mother...holding me accountable but still being there. I pray tha

Another trip to the hospital, another procedure. My Boy Scout has been through the wringer this year.  It's a shame that we only had two dates before the first knee replacement. From that point on, it's been a constant state of rehab, healing, pain and tons of waiting for "normal" life to begin. There are so many things I want to do but mostly I look forward to doing simple things without him in pain. Life has been put on hold a bit....not resentful but anxious to get moving.  I like to get out, to run, walk, ride, golf, garden, sight see and hike. I watch my sisters doing tons of really fun stuff and I'm thrilled for them to be having great times together but, once again, I'm on the outside looking in. First because of the Secret Keeper who just could not cope in the world and now just because of health. Hopefully those days are coming to an end and the fun will begin. Cannot wait. Merry Christmas and a healthy, happy New Year!

Facts fly out the window and behaviors will be ignored. The enemy, FEAR, causes logic and peace to become scarce. Another situation that leaves me open to the "what ifs" and the "I am not good enoughs".  The action of others will disappoint and I wear it like a heavy cape...weighing down on my shoulders. Al-Anon tools are too often set by the wayside and default emotions take control. Is it that I lack the courage to believe that life should feel richly abundant and deeply connected? Or perhaps I know that is exactly what it is suppose to be like that but that, somehow, I am not deserving. Not so, there is enough love to go around. Today will be better. Today I will remember the following: 1. My thoughts are not necessarily truth….in fact, often times they are far from it. 2. Remember that fear was once a needed coping mechanism; that was then and this is now. I have the intelligence to use reason and logic rather than emotion and reactions.  3. Using

Family party over.....No blow ups, no heartaches, no thin skinnedness (yup, made that one up), just a lovely evening with family and friends. My sister Laurie does a beautiful job setting up a huge tent, decorates the inside like a Christmas fairyland with heaters to make it more comfortable. The rain came down in buckets for awhile but we were dry and warm. Last year at this time, there was a horrible fight between one of my sisters and I.  I take total blame in that I was raw and ragged and overly sensitive to a comment made. Normally, I would have taken it so much better, but not then. The fight that ensued was a doozy and pretty much everyone ran for cover. I am so sorry for the words uttered in anger and hurt, words that cannot be taken back. It took a good long while for us to reconcile and still today there is some frostiness but it'll all be ok. We are family and we will work it out. A sweet, dear old friend joined us and I was tickled to see him again. Growing up

What could be better than to spend the day with really nice people, perfect weather, on a gorgeous golf course and some good food? Feeling grateful for the ability to move forward with my life and to experience new and wonderful things. My golf game was disappointing but, honestly, it would not have mattered if I had whiffed every ball...I was living in the moment and could not have been much happier than I was. We started at 10:00 with a warm up. The 5 of us on our team, 3 of whom I have been friends with for about 30 years, played our 18 holes. Afterwards, we joined up with the two other teams and all the spouses and the winning team was awarded the trophy. The conversation was light and engaging. Finally we enjoyed a nice dinner and watched the sunset in shades of red and brilliant orange over the beautiful mountains we call home. Grateful seems a small word today. As the stress of the holidays infringes on my peace, my goal is to hold onto what is truly important...the pe

The subject of fear has come up before. It has been given way more time in my brain than should be allowed. Why does this happen? Because it still rules many of my reactions. Just when I think I'm doing better, then comes a challenge and a realization that there is still a very long way to go. Learning is lifelong but does it have to be so painful? A counselor has shed some light on the situation. The out of control feeling hits, it may be something fairly small but enough to tie a little knot in my stomach. Depending on whether I recognize it for what it is, it could just dissipate. But often times the Fight or Flight response hits. At that time, the rational me goes out the window and what I am left with is the little girl, sitting on the floor of the station wagon, parents in front and 5 siblings arranged in the back according to status, the oldest getting the windows. The trailer attached to the back of the wagon holds at least three motorcycles and 3 or 4 bicycles. My s

Everybody lies.  It's a hobby for some. It's second nature for others and self preservation for many. Truth be told, it seems like most people wouldn't know the truth if it slapped them in the face. Is it clear I'm having an off day?

Help came in an interesting package. When I needed it most, I had help from lots of people. Family, loved ones, friends and compassionate commiserators. When all was said and done though, many nights were spent sleepless, angry and extremely lonely. There had been a deep sense of loneliness before the Secret Keeper left but having him physically gone cemented what I knew deep down to be true.....it was over and I was on my own. A wonderful sense of comfort came in a very unique form. My crazy, funny, farty little frenchie.  Sophie is about as ugly as they come, she's snorts and snores and gets underfoot but her heart is gold (especially when you have food in your hands). Many a night, she would climb into bed with me and help keep me warm and remind me that there is good in the world and that I just need to hold on until things got better. What a comfort our creatures can be. Grateful!!

My long term goal is an automatic default happiness. It's something that needs to be learned by people like me....maybe you too.  Acquiring stuff just doesn't do it; it is in the heart. Here are some tips from    GEOFFREY JAMES, contributing editor, inc.com ,  I've been using to "up" my inner contentedness game. 1. Start each day with expectation. If there's any big truth about life, it's that it usually lives up to (or down to) your expectations. Therefore, when you rise from bed, make your first thought: "something wonderful is going to happen today." Guess what? You're probably right. 2. Take time to plan and prioritize. The most common source of stress is the perception that you've got too much work to do.  Rather than obsess about it, pick one thing that, if you get it done today, will move you closer to your highest goal and purpose in life. Then do that first. 3. Give a gift to everyone you meet. I'm not t

Last night was my office Christmas party. As a died-in-the-wool introvert with some social anxiety, parties can be a painful experience. Not this one though. This one is full of people, many of whom I have now known for 30 years, that I love and love me. Not necessarily close knit friends but all people who know my story and I know theirs. I started working with them when I was 21, a damaged, insecure and untreated Al-Anon girl. Through the years we've had marriages, births, divorces and deaths, struggles with addictions and rejoicing over sobriety, shared between us all. We've had heartbreaks and blessed times. Self discovery over the last year and 1/2 has allowed me to see these events and these people in a whole new light, with more empathy and understanding and acceptance. A more unconditional love.....what a beautiful thing. The night was bittersweet. I was with my new love and it was wonderful to be with him. He's gregarious and outgoing, funny and smart an

There have been times in my life where, somewhere deep inside, I know.....I know something that, for all intents and purposes, I should not know. Have you done it too? Where you know for a fact that someone is lying to you or hiding something or there is a problem somewhere with a loved one. It's such an interesting feeling to know and not be able to back it up or explain why but you know just the same. When confronted, unable to explain, self doubt might kick in; but stick with it, it will rarely steer you wrong. The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift. ~ A Einstein   The problem with my intuitiveness is twofold; first, living with a great deal of fear can manifest itself with ugly thoughts that can be confused with intuition and second, people who lie, for whatever reason, will attempt to manipulate the situation to make the intuitive feel a bit nuts for kn