An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

We made our trip home or, should I say, we visited the place that used to be home. It was hectic, fast and rather hard on this introvert but we packed in a whole lot of love. My mother’s sister, who is the most wonderful, wise woman, is still living in the home that she has been in as long as I have been alive. She and her husband are getting close to not being able to care for themselves. Two of my sisters have stepped in to help, most assuredly prolonging their stay. When their tenure inside this home that holds so many memories is over, their son will move them closer to him in the San Diego area. If and when that happens I will probably never see them again but I won’t go down that rabbit hole. I dread that time but, of course, want whatever is best for them. I schemed and managed to get my three sisters and their spouses, as well as my youngest daughter, into my aunts home in one afternoon. We had lunch and conversation. It warmed my heart.  We golfed twice! It was fantastic t...

When I got married the first time I used my best magical thinking when contemplating the future. Does everyone do that? Do most women imagine they will be on the winning side of the 40 to 50 % that fall to pieces? They must or why would they do it? We are visiting our little town Ventura. I’ve driven by the homes that the Secret Keeper and I lived in, raised our children, spent decades trying to be on the 50 to 60% that make it, trying to have the life I dreamed of. Looking back now, there was never truly a chance. Just like so many other people, I didn’t have the proper tools I needed and the Secret Keeper had even less than me.  I go inside myself for just awhile and there is a sadness but it is more nostalgic than grief. Still now if I am asked who I am, a mother of 4 terrific humans comes to mind before partner, business owner, daughter and sister. But these days seeker might show up before mother. I am definitely more introspective, trying to figure out what makes me me. And, ...

We are traveling which I will go into more when I have some time. Meanwhile, I’ll say that we agreed he would buy food, gas and golf, and I would pay for hotels.  I’ve been known to be thrifty but I guess I’ve outdid myself. Of course I found a hotel with “free breakfast” which I envisioned the typical serve yourself limited buffet style. Some are definitely better than others but I have learned today that I should look at the fine print.  These fancy accommodations provide a “warm bag” or a coupon for the restaurant down the street.  There are many restaurants down the street but our coupon? Kid you not! Did anyone even know that Der Weinerschnitzel made breakfast? And seriously, I wouldn’t eat lunch there, even in a pinch, so logically, we made other arrangements and gave up the generous offer.

I finally did it! I bit the bullet, sucked it up, swallowed the pill and took my medicine. I went to the store and bought myself 4 pair of properly sized jeans. Jeans to fit my size butt, my size legs and my size stomach. I have been one size all of my life but I have to admit a few things. Somewhere, I always knew that if my metabolism ever slowed down I was shit out of luck. I would not be able to count on my ability to restrict my diet (hahhahaha!). I have always been aware that I was wound as tight as a top. One burns a lot of energy being THAT kind of person. The over thinking of every stinking thing requires phenomenal amounts of energy. As I unwind, less energy is being expended. My bod (my 60 year old bod) cannot do what it once did. I still move, I still stay pretty limber but I cannot run and, most honestly, I have no desire to join a gym. Finally, what I find interesting is that as I become more content, the more peace in my life, I am just not that concerned with the weight...

This is for my friends who are familiar with real winters.  I have been a plant lady for a good long time. But, and it is a big but, I have been a plant lady in a very moderate climate. Winter is coming, a real winter. Nothing like the ones I have been accustomed to. I have a few plants in large pots, quite large in fact, and I haven't a clue what people do with them when winter comes. Do you pull all your plants into the house?!?!?! I've had an olive tree for about 6 years and I am rather attached to it. I don't want to lose it but I am not sure how to proceed. Any advice is welcome.

Yesterday I used the phone like a normal person, without the help of hearing aids, Bluetooth or my iPhone outside speaker turned up to max.  I was at work, struggling to communicate with a vendor, when I moved the phone from my hearing aided left ear to my surgically repaired right ear when, lo and behold, I realized I could hear that woman plain as day and even had to turn the volume down in order to be comfortable.  It doesn’t sound like much but if you knew how many times I struggled, how many phone calls I abruptly ended because of frustration, how much moving from ear to ear in order to JUST HEAR THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END. The number of calls I ended before they ever began because they were directed to call centers, which not only include people with accents I can no longer discern, but also had the loud background noise of 40 other people taking calls in the same room.  I had my follow up hearing test yesterday. There was a 20 decibel improvement across the freque...

Thirty years ago I was 9 months pregnant and ready to burst. I had been hoping the baby would come quickly because I was shortly leaving 29 and wasn't overly thrilled with the idea of turning 30 while gigantic and waddling all over the place. That child obliged by showing up on the 9th! By the time the 14th arrived I was back down to a 125lbs, albeit a little on the pouchy soft side, and ready to get back into shape. I turned 30 without a waddle. The little baby the doctor laid in my arms and said, "Beam me up Scotty" when he heard the name we had picked, presented as a boy child and it wasn't until 27 years later that she either figured out or had the courage to state her true self. Honestly, my intuition knew something was up but this world had taught me to ignore that so I waited and watched. She has her big 30 today and I have my big 60 in a few. Both of us are feeling mixed emotions about these milestones but both of us will find our way.  Our way to happiness, c...

Over time, little by little, the ACA promises are coming true for me. Promise #4  - Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us. Slowly, as healing takes place, as I learn to love and value who I am, Promise#4 comes true. A life long desire to connect and a life long confusion as to what was wrong with me that prevented connection, left me feeling rudderless. I could not figure out why other people where able to make friends...not acquaintances but true friends, the kind you do life with, the kind that you help each other through the hard times, and I remained fairly friendless.  I would try but, more often than not, it turned out to be really strange people who lacked boundaries or were extremely controlling or overtly judgmental.  These days I do not feel rudderless but nor do I feel desperate for companionship. I am developing a few solid friendships with people that are pretty healthy themselves. I'm not looking for perfection but I am staying away fro...

Sister #2 got a call a week ago from a life long friend.  She has been living in Washington state and had been down to visit her sisters in the LA area. One of her sisters spotted something on her skin that concerned her and advised her to have it checked out when she got home. The day she got home she wasn't feeling well and when she emptied her bladder the urine was very dark. Calling her doctor, she got instructions to go to the emergency room immediately.  Very quickly, she was admitted to hospital and tests were done. A day or so later, sitting in her hospital bed, a robot entered the room. It approached her, verified who she was, and proceeded to let her know that she had untreatable liver cancer, had only a very short time to live and she needed to get her affairs in order. The robot exited the room.  There was no one with her. No family, no friends. No staff followed up to check on her. She completely fell apart. A man, Russian with broken English, walked by the r...

Fall is coming and with it brings anticipation of the stunning beauty nature offers up as the temperatures cool.  There is a snappy breeze, the best kind. The one that feathers the face with a chill but doesn’t dare to go even 1/8 of an inch deeper.  Scatterings of needles are floating down as I toil in the back of beyond. The scents take me back to the childhood summers spent just outside of Yosemite. The Douglas fir and cedars are my playmates today, not the cousins that populated the school breaks of childhood, but now, only seeing an occasional picture of on social media. They were playmates of convenience for our families. Definitely not kindred spirits.  It saddens me when my nose becomes acclimated and no longer notices the beautiful scents in the back of beyond. It so human to acquire or witness something wonderful only to start looking for beauty elsewhere when the first one becomes everyday. That hasn’t started for us yet in our new home, our new city. We love i...