When I got married the first time I used my best magical thinking when contemplating the future. Does everyone do that? Do most women imagine they will be on the winning side of the 40 to 50 % that fall to pieces? They must or why would they do it?
We are visiting our little town Ventura. I’ve driven by the homes that the Secret Keeper and I lived in, raised our children, spent decades trying to be on the 50 to 60% that make it, trying to have the life I dreamed of. Looking back now, there was never truly a chance. Just like so many other people, I didn’t have the proper tools I needed and the Secret Keeper had even less than me.
I go inside myself for just awhile and there is a sadness but it is more nostalgic than grief. Still now if I am asked who I am, a mother of 4 terrific humans comes to mind before partner, business owner, daughter and sister. But these days seeker might show up before mother. I am definitely more introspective, trying to figure out what makes me me. And, as the connections to my children continue to stretch, I must find who I am without them. My sibs and I never really left our mother, our bonds remaining so very tight. I am glad my children continue to fly, thinning the connections but never quite breaking them. They get to experience a world I did not. They get to figure out who they are and I have a chance to watch them grow and develop the skills they need to make it on this spinning ball we call home. I am an interested observer!
I just learned something new about myself.