Watch It Buddy

When I got married the first time I used my best magical thinking when contemplating the future. Does everyone do that? Do most women imagine they will be on the winning side of the 40 to 50 % that fall to pieces? They must or why would they do it?

We are visiting our little town Ventura. I’ve driven by the homes that the Secret Keeper and I lived in, raised our children, spent decades trying to be on the 50 to 60% that make it, trying to have the life I dreamed of. Looking back now, there was never truly a chance. Just like so many other people, I didn’t have the proper tools I needed and the Secret Keeper had even less than me. 

I go inside myself for just awhile and there is a sadness but it is more nostalgic than grief. Still now if I am asked who I am, a mother of 4 terrific humans comes to mind before partner, business owner, daughter and sister. But these days seeker might show up before mother. I am definitely more introspective, trying to figure out what makes me me. And, as the connections to my children continue to stretch, I must find who I am without them. My sibs and I never really left our mother, our bonds remaining so very tight. I am glad my children continue to fly, thinning the connections but never quite breaking them. They get to experience a world I did not. They get to figure out who they are and I have a chance to watch them grow and develop the skills they need to make it on this spinning ball we call home. I am an interested observer!

I just learned something new about myself.



Comments

  1. Debra She Who SeeksSeptember 22, 2023 at 10:06 AM

    Being a seeker is a wonderful journey and adventure, which is not to say that it doesn't have its sad, hard or painful times, but we are put on this earth to figure out who we are and our place in the world and universe. "Be not another, if thou canst be thyself." You are loving your children with an open hand so they can have their own journeys too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda DevSeptember 24, 2023 at 5:57 AM

      All those things belong in the human experience. It’s how I process the, that makes the difference. I’m learning……it takes awhile but I’m learning.

      Delete
  2. MargaretSeptember 22, 2023 at 6:33 PM

    Seeker is good because it means constant growing, learning and moving forward.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Marie SmithSeptember 23, 2023 at 4:13 AM

    Your children are so lucky to have you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ToniSeptember 23, 2023 at 9:12 PM

    Excellent introspection.
    I eloped at 17, of course believing that he was the one. Apparently 237 other women believed him to be the one, too. There were dreams, plans and events, all in shadows now but I have 3 incredible children, 8 fantastic grandchildren and a precious great-granddaughter. Wouldn't have missed the dance for anything!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda DevSeptember 24, 2023 at 5:52 AM

      Exactly! I am grateful even though it wasn’t the path I had in mind.

      Delete

Post a Comment

What do you have to say about that?

Popular posts from this blog

Private Eye

Image
We pass by the house frequently since it sits on a busy thoroughfare. We know to look every time we pass and guess what will we see. Will it be the two Dalmatians, sitting on the couch that backs up to the giant panel window, waiting for their human to come home? Or will it be their human, sitting slightly to the right of middle (allowing for a better view of the giant mounted tv across the room) of the said couch. They are never there at the same time. It’s one or the other. One sleepless night, when my body was willing but my brain was not, I did a little sleuthing. It’s amazing what you can find out about a complete stranger.   His name is Gary and, from what I can tell, he’s never been married. He has worked his way up in a air duct company. He’s now the senior VP but it’s a small company and he still goes out on jobs, judging from  the reviews on Yelp. I know he has two siblings and that their father passed away in 2018. His memorial was held in a Buddhist temple and Gary sr. soun
Read more

Go!

Image
 Vai. E, se der medo, vai con medo mesmo. When one is raised in an angry family, it’s not enough to say I don’t want to be angry. You must learn how to do it differently. That’s no easy task. If judgment and self hatred became a way of life, a new way to live has to be taught. There are many ways to do it. Reading, writing, sharing, practicing all help the change. Counseling, psychoanalysis, religion, meditation, gratitude, have the ability to transform but I needed to see it in action, it needed to be more tangible, visual, accessible. I needed to understand the possibilities. There is a YouTube channel that I watch over and over again in order to absorb how to live more fully, more open and from the heart. One of the first episodes that I stumbled on is this…. The channel is Reflections of Life and through it we get to meet people who are doing life a little differently, often more soul based. People who are living life, healing wounds and finding what is truly important.  It can be
Read more

Let's Be Perfectly Clear

I would like your input on this letter I am considering sending out. Darryl, I once considered you, if not a friend, a very friendly acquaintance. Our daughters are the same age. I am sure that your daughter is as special to you as mine is to me. McKenna is 21 years old and starting out her life with some tough situations. SHE IS NOT AN OBJECT. She is a person who has her ups and downs, her struggles and triumphs. She has, in the past year, completely alone, had to make scary medical decisions for her mentally ill, addicted father. She has had to watch as the man who was an amazing father slowly turn into a shell of a man who has little to give and much to take. Whether purposefully or accidentally, you have added to her already difficult year. I wonder…would you appreciate my ex-husband leering and making inappropriate comments to your daughter over the course of a long evening? Think about that for a moment!  What were you hoping to achieve with your behavior? Whether
Read more