Watch It Buddy

When I got married the first time I used my best magical thinking when contemplating the future. Does everyone do that? Do most women imagine they will be on the winning side of the 40 to 50 % that fall to pieces? They must or why would they do it?

We are visiting our little town Ventura. I’ve driven by the homes that the Secret Keeper and I lived in, raised our children, spent decades trying to be on the 50 to 60% that make it, trying to have the life I dreamed of. Looking back now, there was never truly a chance. Just like so many other people, I didn’t have the proper tools I needed and the Secret Keeper had even less than me. 

I go inside myself for just awhile and there is a sadness but it is more nostalgic than grief. Still now if I am asked who I am, a mother of 4 terrific humans comes to mind before partner, business owner, daughter and sister. But these days seeker might show up before mother. I am definitely more introspective, trying to figure out what makes me me. And, as the connections to my children continue to stretch, I must find who I am without them. My sibs and I never really left our mother, our bonds remaining so very tight. I am glad my children continue to fly, thinning the connections but never quite breaking them. They get to experience a world I did not. They get to figure out who they are and I have a chance to watch them grow and develop the skills they need to make it on this spinning ball we call home. I am an interested observer!

I just learned something new about myself.



Comments

  1. Debra She Who SeeksSeptember 22, 2023 at 10:06 AM

    Being a seeker is a wonderful journey and adventure, which is not to say that it doesn't have its sad, hard or painful times, but we are put on this earth to figure out who we are and our place in the world and universe. "Be not another, if thou canst be thyself." You are loving your children with an open hand so they can have their own journeys too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda DevSeptember 24, 2023 at 5:57 AM

      All those things belong in the human experience. It’s how I process the, that makes the difference. I’m learning……it takes awhile but I’m learning.

      Delete
  2. MargaretSeptember 22, 2023 at 6:33 PM

    Seeker is good because it means constant growing, learning and moving forward.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Marie SmithSeptember 23, 2023 at 4:13 AM

    Your children are so lucky to have you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. ToniSeptember 23, 2023 at 9:12 PM

    Excellent introspection.
    I eloped at 17, of course believing that he was the one. Apparently 237 other women believed him to be the one, too. There were dreams, plans and events, all in shadows now but I have 3 incredible children, 8 fantastic grandchildren and a precious great-granddaughter. Wouldn't have missed the dance for anything!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Linda DevSeptember 24, 2023 at 5:52 AM

      Exactly! I am grateful even though it wasn’t the path I had in mind.

      Delete

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