An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

For my 47th birthday I got two concert tickets to see U2.  Truth be told, I don't like crowds, they make me uptight and nervous, but I was thrilled to be flying to Denver to see them It was a thoughtful gift that the Secret Keeper knew I would really like. As it turned out, I did not make that concert in May of 2011. He could not go and although I might have thought to go With or Without Him;  my kids needed me at the time, it didn't seem like much fun to do that particular trip alone and, finally, he could not remember where he put the tickets. That was 8 years ago, although it seems like 20. We are in Another Time Another Place and things are no longer so Out of Control , no longer  Bad, and I am One Step Closer.  I just got two tickets to see U2 for my 55th birthday!!!!  We will not be in the city Where The Streets Have No Name nor in the City Of Blinding Lights ...we will be in Paris...as in Paris France. I will be rocking in 55 with my very favorit...

Our gym has a nice indoor pool and jacuzzi. This morning, while warming in the hot tub before doing some laps, we watched a class that was going on in the pool. Water aerobics looks fun but this class was a little on the older side so it was not terrifically strenuous. I remarked to the Boy Scout how nice it is to see so many white and silver haired gals. I love that women are embracing their gray. One of the gals was a bit older than the others. She had trouble getting out of the pool and used a cane. She look a little frail and maybe timid. LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING. After finishing my laps I went to the dressing room to shower and dress. Still in my suit, I walked into where the lockers are.. She looked up from the bench and said something. I had to ask, as I didn't hear her the first time, and she said, "You're too skinny". I just kinda laughed as I was unsure how to reply to that. She repeated it and then said, "Do you eat anything?"  I laughed again an...

Do you have any fears based in your head or from your past that have little grounds in reality but affect you as if they do? My journey has brought me full circle, trying to embrace those fears with hugs, without fighting because that only inflames them and gives them even more power to take me places I wish I have never been and, certainly, wish never to return. But return I do, because I have not surrendered. I have not been able to STOP the war in my head that tells me WARNING..WARNING. SOMETHING IS WRONG . Last week it happened. Something entered my life, correction....I invited it in, that left me hysterical and hurting and lashing out. How I hate myself when this happens. How I hate what I do and say. The ACAA meeting that I attended that very night happened to be a subject close at hand and reminded me that I made a mistake but I am not a mistake. I did something that was unacceptable but I am not unacceptable. I made my amends which felt small but am moving forward and,...

I am truly proud of how hard I worked to ensure, to the best of my ability, that my four children did not spend the rest of their lives angry at their father. It was not easy at first, as I was so angry and hurt,  but eventually I recognized that my deepest desire was that they did not have to be angry on my behalf. And as we went through the process of coming to terms with the situation, the five of us encouraged compassion and empathy within each other. I’d love to hear something that you are proud of. 

WORD FOR THE DAY May you embrace this day, not just as any old day, but as this day. Your day. Held in trust by you, in a singular place, called now. CARRIE NEWCOMER What an incredible quote and a lovely reminder. It can be so hard to not let the world steal my peace but today I did pretty good. There were some big things that came up and I did what I needed to do to get back to breathing regular and remembering that today is the only day I have. No more, no less. Right now, this very moment.  Live and Let Live helped me a lot today. I think I'll get take my silly dog on a walk and embrace some quiet calm. It's always good to remember that we all have CRAP. And we can use that crap as an excuse to throw our serenity out the window or give someone else the power to take it from us.  I am wishing you peace despite all the nonsense too!

This is a goal. I keep trying. I am happy. I have much to be happy about. I am learning to be happy with what I am presented with. When anger, sadness or envy arrive to squeeze my head and turn my world back into the darker place that it once was, I now have some tools to grapple with them, taking back the power they have over me and reestablishing peace. It doesn't mean I am pretending that my body doesn't' hurt or my feelings haven't been bruised or that a betrayal hasn't happened. It just means that I don't give them as much power as they once had. I give much of the credit to Al-Anon and a counselor that also "works a program". They have opened my eyes like a blind person regaining sight. Al-Anon made me look at me and take responsibility. Not in a bad way but in an authentic and tough way. I am no longer doing Al-Anon because I realized that ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is much more relevant and effective for my circumstances. Bas...

The upbringing we have fragrances the life we live in ways we cannot fathom.  Being raised by an alcoholic and by a codependent has shaded my life just as being raised by a strict disciplinarian or parent with no self-discipline or an immature parent would.  Each of those requires us to make decisions in our life in order to survive in the best way we can. Some of us repeat what our parents have done and some of us try to do the very opposite. But the bulk of us live somewhere in between just trying to do the best we can.   I learned to try to control what was going on around me. I learned to attempt to do what I needed to not be afraid. It’s ill adaptive at best.  Secret keeper has overdosed again and my heart is breaking for him, for me, but mostly for my kids. God how I want to go down to the hospital and tell him exactly what he needs to do. To make the arrangements and fix that situation. I’ve learned that that is an exercise in futility and that even ...

Cleaning house? Or just feel like shaking it? It’s an oldie but a personal favorite.  Let me know what you think💜

This is my baby.....I love her so much! I am her Alpha, to be sure, but the Boy Scout is far and beyond her favorite litter mate. When we go places, this is how she looks at me♥ I know, I know....she looks like Yoda or a gargoyle but when love is concerned, it's about what is on the inside not the outside, right?

I think I may have mentioned that long before the Secret Keeper got sick he was an incredible father. Engaged and loving, he worked hard at doing the right thing with our kids. He played games, told stories, said prayers, attended all sporting events, brushed their teeth, soothed their tears, etc, etc, etc. Basically, he was pretty amazing. That was a long time ago and now he is trouble. Big trouble. How I ache for my kids to have had this wonderful dad and now are forced to think about his health, mental and physical, living arrangements, and now, court dates. The two boys know a little of what happened but they don't ask questions so I don't bring it up. I am sure the distance makes that easier. My oldest is doing some incredible self care which means she involves herself when it is healthy for her to do so. My youngest is walking a path of self discovery and learning boundaries. It is a intricate dance that may be years of learning and, most probably, pain. I know littl...

Goodbye to the past....   Welcome the new beginnings.... It's all good. I am better today and ready to embrace the changes and see what comes. Happy Friday all....make it a great weekend.

I move my office tomorrow. My new office, for $500.00 a month, is in an attractive building with 30 other people that are running their small-ish businesses behind 30 closed doors. It's fine. It will be fine. Meanwhile, each box I fill aches a little. I am having a hard time holding back the tears. My marketing business provides for me well but has little heart. My side business (the one that is ending) provided friendship, support and a chance to be "Momish" to a bunch of young people that had a fire in their hearts for gamers all over the world. I will miss them...I miss them already. In addition to that, I am struggling because the Boy Scout has lied to me again. I don't want to make it sound bigger than it is. Truly, sometimes he lies because I have been controlling in an inappropriate way but it is a lie just the same. Two imperfect people trying to work things out. After living with the Secret Keeper even smallest of lies are difficult. Sort of like sitting...