Giving It Up

The upbringing we have fragrances the life we live in ways we cannot fathom.  Being raised by an alcoholic and by a codependent has shaded my life just as being raised by a strict disciplinarian or parent with no self-discipline or an immature parent would.  Each of those requires us to make decisions in our life in order to survive in the best way we can. Some of us repeat what our parents have done and some of us try to do the very opposite. But the bulk of us live somewhere in between just trying to do the best we can.  

I learned to try to control what was going on around me. I learned to attempt to do what I needed to not be afraid. It’s ill adaptive at best. 

Secret keeper has overdosed again and my heart is breaking for him, for me, but mostly for my kids. God how I want to go down to the hospital and tell him exactly what he needs to do. To make the arrangements and fix that situation. I’ve learned that that is an exercise in futility and that even if I fix it for a few minutes, a few days or even months, and I somehow make the situation temporarily feel better for myself and for my kids, that it will happen again and again and probably again. 

He is not doing it to harm us. He loves us, I know he does. He simply cannot help it. He has not reached the point where he says, “Enough, I need to make some changes.” And with the mental illness, that probably will never come. 

So I will do what I can to be a good mom and I will do my best to do no harm.  I bask in the love I am receiving from a new man who has room in his heart for this broken, sick man who was once an amazing father, partner and friend.  

My favorite quote from Al-Anon came to me at my very first meeting:

I will guard against assuming the role of judge and punisher, for I cannot not destroy another person without inflicting great damage on myself. ~GB Shaw