An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Last night we had two couples over for dinner. Being my introverted self, I am usually pretty content to not have people over but the Boy Scout is a social being and has the gift of hospitality to be sure. So the invites went out and were quickly and warmly accepted. After the invites were conveyed, there was a bit of back and forth regarding dietary restrictions. A couple of Paleo's, one non-dairy, no vegetarians. The Boy Scout took each constraint gleefully, as if a test of his ability to adapt and produce good fare despite the handicaps. He did a fantastic job! This girl is not a chef, not even a cook....more of an "as needed (meaning I'm hungry right now) put together whatever takes the least amount of work" kind of gal. I am in awe of his talent but, even more so, his ability to do it with such ease and confidence, as if he were accomplishing a task that he has done since childhood. Perhaps it is my fear of failure that keeps me from enjoying the task....he do...

"The the moral of the story is that in and around the rooms of our heart, there are harmless old ropes lying on the floors and our fear starts to work on them and turns them into monsters, which keep us in the most impoverished places in our lives."  ~John O'Donohue (from Love is the Only Antidote to Fear) Wow! Now-a-days, I see more and more how I was keeping myself, through fear of what is and what may be, in an ugly place but O'Donohue put in such a lovely way. I will attempt to keep that quote in my heart and give it strength. So hard to break old habits that you don't even know are habits. Abnormal is normal until someone shines a light and tells you it is not. Giving power to something that has not, and may not ever happen is stealing from the present, which is all we really have. May I, and may you, always recognize the difference between ropes and snakes.

Driving to work this morning, there is the sense that this ritual, daily-year after year, will be with me, for how long, I don't even know. I've had so many of them; rituals. Always with the sense that they would last forever; often with a surprise when I find one ritual dissipating and being replaced by a new one. Early, it was broken into 3 really. There was the school week, weekend and summer. School was, as I remember, being one of the youngest in a house of 8 people, chaotic. Busy, bustling. Walking to and from school with various degrees of velocity, and, of course, never driven! Wake up, eat cereal, school, homework, dinner, TV, rinse and repeat. Then there was the Saturday morning cartoons that lasted until we were way too old to be watching Scooby Doo.  Summer, pure freedom. The ritual of no ritual. Trips to Rozees Market, the high school pool carrying our little fm radio and the locker key hooked to our bathing suits. Bike rides, skate boarding, unauthorize...

Life is freaking short! I cannot, will not, spend it idle. Planted on the couch in front of the tube or sleeping it away. My soul screams at me, "Get moving, our time is short and getting shorter every day." There's a bit of frantic inside of me that bumps up against others, those who love me. Maybe that's why sleep often eludes me. Perhaps my soul is undermining my ability to rest satisfactorily. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to see and experience. One of these days the ever present call from my heart will be even louder than the fears and the pragmatic parts of me. When it wins out, I will pack my bags at a moments notice, charge my handy devices so that I can take care of what is needed from wherever I may be, then I will drive, simply drive. Without a map or a plan, as long as I have a warm jacket and a bathing suit and, perhaps, a few things in between, off I'll go. My kids will find me at the other end of my iPhone. At 53, cartwheels h...

The Boy Scout and I went golfing yesterday afternoon. We sometimes use an app that will have last minute discounts. As my schedule can be pretty flexible, it works out nice. I'm not sure if you know this but golf is an expensive sport!! When you use these discounts apps, you will often times get paired up with someone else that has used the same app. Yesterday was no exception and while we enjoy our time alone, it is fun to get to know new people and, perhaps, get challenged to play a little better than normal. When arriving at the 1st tee, there were two gentlemen warming up. They were of Asian descent and were speaking to each other in their mutual language. As is custom, we introduce ourselves before teeing off. Since we are about to spend at least 4 hours together it is nice to start of friendly. We were playing with Dong and Quan and, to be specific, they are Korean. Dong, an acupuncturist, and his friend Quan turned out to be wonderful golfing partners. They we...

With good boundaries you don't have to argue, fight or throw fits. Did you all know that?  DID YOU???? Did you already know that when people do things that feel hurtful or when they break their promises, you don't have to react, over-react or blow up? Why didn't I learn this? Good clear boundaries say "This behavior is unacceptable to me. I don't have to live like this" or "I will not engage." I've set a boundary that I am very proud of and very comfortable with. I am interested to see how it plays out. Will I stay true? Will I cave in? I am not sure as it is a new practice and I have no precedent for what comes next. What I have learned is that whether I stay true to my new boundary or whether I renegotiate...it's ok, I am OK. It will not mean I am a loser or weak. It will simply mean that I need to figure out, once again, how I feel, where I am going and how I am going to get there. I will treat myself like a little sister, ...

A long overdue letter to my children, I have had the privilege of being called a mother for a little over 29 years. It is, in my humble opinion, the hardest, most wondrous title a person could ever achieve. The gains have far and above outweighed any losses. I suppose the losses might be considered the time and emotional effort put into the job, but even those things have had their bonuses; molding me into a kinder, more patient and more empathetic human. How lucky I am, to have made so many mistakes, yet still be loved, honored and cared for by each of you. I often lament about how much I miss my mother and her unconditional love...silly me...I have that from each of the 4 of you. Not exactly the same but beautifully crafted to allow many of the same feelings only, perhaps, with a bigger sense of responsibility on my part. Feeling like I don't want to burden you with my problems, knowing each of you has your own burden to carry. The normal issues that people your age ...

So, my sweet Winnie has the home of her dreams (and no, it isn't ours). Winnie (Rozee) and Cooper We met my childhood friend half way between our homes in the O.C. (Orange County). I had not seen Jeannie for 39 years but through the power of Facebook, we reconnected. She came with her son and her mother....it was wonderful to catch up. They reminded me of things I had forgotten. I had forgotten how Shirley, Jeannie's mom, used to yell at me, "Where is your sweater and get some shoes on?"  I never wore shoes unless it was a requirement. Tomboys don't need shoes silly. Jeannie reminded me how I had once tried to get her up on the back of Jaspar, my sister's pony. I'm not sure why he was in our back yard but he was a mean old thing. Apparently I helped her on up and then right onto the ground on the other side.  I was probably 8ish which would make her 5. The funny thing is I know for a fact my sister Pam would have killed me if she knew I was near ...

1 -  79 - Datsun B210 - blue 2 -  71 - Chevy Nova - gold 3 -  86 - Honda Accord - champagne 4 -  89 - Volvo Wagon - blue 5 -  92 - Chevy Suburban - white 6 -  97 - Dodge Caravan - red 7 -  09 - Ford Flex - Root Beer You? Clearly I am experiencing writers block!

Friday night the Boy Scout and I went to a foreign flick. Me, Estas Matando Susana, (You're Killing Me Susana) was a fairly average Rom Com but the stars were sure cuties. Gael Garcia Bernal is adorable and Veronica Echequi is lovely. But the highlight of the night was not the movie. Winnie and Sophie On our way home, on a busy but dark road that connects Ventura to Oxnard and is surrounded by farmland, we were stopped at a large intersection and spotted a dog running into the busy road. I opened my door and called her.  To my surprise, she did not even hesitate. She jumped in, moved to the back seat and pretty quickly laid herself down and fell asleep. The Boy Scout crooned his lovely voice at her but he didn't really need to. She was content.  On getting home, this very young full bred Boxer was nervous but not overly. Turned out that she and my Frenchie got along OK...always a plus. This girl is young, has had at least one litter of pups and is well trained. W...

The Camino is calling me again. It has whispered my name for 15 years or more. 5 years back, when I has finally got more serious about the undertaking, my family went through a metamorphosis of sorts, I realized it just wasn't the time. Kids were still at home and home life was chaotic at best. Then I met the Boy Scout and was just concentrating on healing and enjoying life in a way I never had. Not a perfect life but a far better one that I had been living for the best part of 10 years; one with friends and outings with people I enjoyed. Waking up everyday knowing that I no longer had to live with the insanity that had become "normal" to me. The Boy Scout and I have had our ups and downs. I am growing and healing old scars and dealing with new ones in a healthier way. I've got a long way to go but I am thrilled to be headed in the right direction. Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, a great counselor and some excellent support from family and friends have p...

February 28 in the Little Blue Book – One Day at a Time in Al-Anon We are advised to detach our minds and emotions from the problems created by alcoholism. This does not mean detachment from the alcoholic, who needs our loving understanding. When I learn to disentangle myself from a difficulty, it will be easier to think it through. I will remind myself to pause and analyze. This will keep me from impulsive decisions and give me time to devise constructive action. Each time this happens, it may seem a small conquest, but each helps me build a serene stability. The words from One Day at a Time do not always speak to me in a compelling way but we are taught, in Al-Anon, to take what we can and leave the rest. I do not currently have an addict / alcoholic in my daily life. That does not mean that I have ceased being an Al-Anon. I gathered tools as a child that helped me cope with the life I had been given. They were useful and made my life more manageable at the time. Those to...