An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

This morning I woke up and felt grateful.  First thing, right off the bat. What a change from 15 weeks ago. Only 15 weeks have passed but the whole world has changed for me. I have felt the lowest in my life and, very likely, the most peaceful in my life at different points in the last 15 weeks. Not the most joyous, but that will come. For now, peaceful is amazing. What I have learned is that it is up to me. I am the one who decides what today is going to be like. All those extenuating circumstances??? Everyone (yes, EVERYONE) has those. Some more than others but they are still there. Those circumstances won't be stopping me. One of my dearest friends has helped me so much through this terrible situation. Before the "Horrible Day" when everything was revealed, we used to laugh at lunch and joke about which one of us had it worst. The key word here is not "worst", it is "laugh". Her beautiful daughter was going through some major issues. She may...

Walking my road to recovery, I am learning so much about others and about myself. What a surprise to learn that I can be held hostage in a lonely, ugly place by my own thoughts. Believing that those thoughts were actually me; the person I am. Now, I realize that I have some control over those thoughts. By analyzing, considering, wrestling with that voice in my head, I can change those previously held beliefs and those destructive thoughts that were, so often, self sabotaging. “There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind - you are the one who hears it.”  ―  Michael A. Singer ,  The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself Does everyone else just know these things and I am a later in life bloomer? Ah well, better late than never. With each day that passes, this new way of thinking allows another measure of acceptance. Acceptance of this situation I am in,  acceptance  of a sick man wh...

Albert Camus seemed to know me when he wrote this; In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me , an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realized, through it all, that… In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back . I don't know about you but this has always been inside me.  I have always known I would land on my feet. What I did not know was how much I would need to count on the wisdom and love of the people around me. I am so incredibly blessed. God has placed in my life; listeners, encouragers, cheerleaders, admonishers, realists and comforters. They listened when I could barely speak. They spoke and I tried to listen, consid...

Today, I am grateful for so many things that I could go on for way too long. I will pick a few of the tops.  My oldest, who works so hard at connecting, purposefully touching on subjects that she knows are or thinks may be important. This doesn't come naturally, so I applaud her continual effort to reach out on a deeper level. I also love her acceptance that self care is so necessary. My second, whose intellect astounds me, but whose view on life confuses me. I love the way he has stepped up and showed a surprising maturity. Additionally, he has had an enormous amount of patience for a ranting woman who is trying to do better in this crazy world. Third child, who I miss terribly but who I can count on for logical, practical dialog.  I miss our conversations on politics and current events and religion but I know he is where he needs to be. His steadfast loyalty is comforting. Finally, my baby, who is not a baby at all....her insights on what motivates peoples actions and reac...

Tonight I saw a good movie with a touching ending. Sitting in my seat filled with a happy exuberance, recognizing that the human spirit is an amazing thing. As I left the theater, I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of aloneness. Not having someone to talk to about what I had just seen and observing the many couples exiting with their heads together, talking quietly or in comfortable silence, I felt empty. Getting into the car, the tears flowed.   But, I stayed in the moment, not thinking about the "if only's" or the "should have beens". Leaving the STORY alone. Allowing  all the feelings to wash over me and then slowly subside. Finally, I started the car and headed home. Thankfully, these episodes are getting a little further apart and shorter in duration.  Just like the movie I enjoyed tonight, I felt Pride. 

I've had this dilemma for the past month or so. I would love to hear your opinion on the matter. My spouse is sick. He has a drug addiction, is an alcoholic, a diabetic and has been diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder with psychotic aspects.  In addition to that, he did things that husbands should never do. Exposed me and the kids to things that you do not expose your loved ones to. Violated all his vows. He lied, stole, cheated and manipulated all while never missing work or being arrested or getting into an altercation (except for a dealer beating the crap out of him once). After all that, does one just abandon an ill person to fend for themselves. Do you turn you back and say, "You're on your own buddy."  A big part of me says "YOU BETCHA." Another part of me says that this is a very sick person and the father of my children and a child of God worthy of care and love. I am struggling with doing the RIGHT thing. I truly don't know what th...

Last night, during another one of those long sleepless nights, I was ANGRY.  I spent some time cogitating on the occasions that my husband manipulated and deceived, allowing myself to wallow in that resentment and justifiably so.  I thought about each time he checked out of a party early or didn't show up at all. When he chose his addictions over family Christmas last year. When he chose another over me on my 50th. He nearly ruined my son's college graduation and graduation party, etc. All the money spent on drugs and sex...all the hours waiting. And I stewed and stewed. I allowed it to boil until it overflowed. And overflow it did. After the flood, I remembered my therapist previously discussing a few helpful things. First thing, I did NOT tell myself how stupid I was being.  The usual, "You can't change this, get over it already. Stop being stupid", did not come (thank you Jamie!). I embraced the feelings. Second, I was reminded of our conversation about the 5...

Today is just a day to get things accomplished.  Those sprinklers have been screaming at me, the weeds are growing, the house needs cleaning, etc....  I am plugging away but with a new attitude. Not one of resentment at being left to do these things alone, not an overwhelming feeling of a load too heavy to carry.  Just an everyday, get these things done attitude.   Am I singing joyfully? Not quite yet, but that may come. This new attitude is fine and acceptable and, dare I say, normal.  I haven't felt normal for awhile and I am grateful for normal. Little victories being celebrated here today!!! Practice kindness♥

I have a friend who has always carried summer in her heart. Has she had tough times? You betcha! Some really tough times. Did she let her situation steal her summer?  Not one iota. Things are wonderful for her right now. She has the love of a good man and a job that she enjoys, a beautiful home and healthy kids.  Is everything perfect? Of course not. But my friend has a summer that keeps her heart so warm that she sees the good, looks for the possibility, picks out the positive, never needs to gossip, and generally makes others want to be a part of her life. Unless, and I can't stress this enough, unless you resent her summer and want to continue to hang out in your winter. You begrudge her for her happiness because your situation is worse, right? As for me, I want, no....need, the summer in my life.  I need the warmth of knowing that there is always some good if you just look hard enough. According to a  T he Huffington Post article:  This Is Scientific...

Talking about our problems  is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys. ~Rita Schiano I'm taking a break to brag about my joys. My four young adult children have been amazing through all the struggles in the past couple of years, but especially in the last 13 weeks. Not only have they been incredibly kind and patient as I work through everything (meaning crying, ranting, raving and forgiving too)  but they have also been able to lovingly reach out to their father. They have set pretty good boundaries, bestowed forgiveness and, also, gave their father the space to take responsibility for his actions in his own time. When I compare that to the situation that I was raised in, I am astounded at their maturity level. When my father deserted the family, there were a number of his children (6 in total) that were left angry and hurt. Most of us did not speak to him for a very long time but it definitely affected how I continued to interact with th...

In NAMI (National Alliance the for Mentally Ill), my girls and I are being educated, not just on Bipolar, but on mental illness in general, and on how to love someone with mental illness. One thing we learned is the importance having strong, immovable boundaries in the areas that are important to us. I applied that strategy on Friday, admittedly unaware that I was doing so, and amazingly, it worked well. I informed my loved one that I would no longer listen to suggestions or intimations that, if I did not respond in the way he wanted, he would harm himself.  I let him know that I am not responsible for any harm he might do to himself and that if he was truly feeling self-destructive or suicidal, that he should call his therapist immediately. I said goodbye and allowed myself a few hours to calm down. When he called back a few hours later, he was easier to talk to and we were able to address the issues at hand. I am aware that it won't always be that easy but I believe in celebrat...

Okay, so today I am feeling very anxious. Phone calls and texts from a person with mental illness can make ones life feel completely out of control! As I sit here and think about all I have learned in the past 11 weeks, I know that I have not learned enough to deal with this.  Boundaries, detaching with love, being manipulated, passive aggressive behaviors, thoughts of divorce, protecting ones assets.  How is one suppose to act when a loved one suggests that they have no reason to live unless they can have you?  What I need is a masters degree in every "effing" subject. It's all just too much.   So.....I take a deep breath. Another and another.  Close my eyes and remind myself not to borrow trouble from tomorrow.  What will happen, will happen.  Back to my old mantra; ~My heart is full of love for my family. I will care for them and myself  to the best of my ability.  God is in control and all is well~ All does not feel w...