Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Embrace Your Feelings

Last night, during another one of those long sleepless nights, I was ANGRY.  I spent some time cogitating on the occasions that my husband manipulated and deceived, allowing myself to wallow in that resentment and justifiably so.  I thought about each time he checked out of a party early or didn't show up at all. When he chose his addictions over family Christmas last year. When he chose another over me on my 50th. He nearly ruined my son's college graduation and graduation party, etc. All the money spent on drugs and sex...all the hours waiting. And I stewed and stewed. I allowed it to boil until it overflowed. And overflow it did.

After the flood, I remembered my therapist previously discussing a few helpful things. First thing, I did NOT tell myself how stupid I was being.  The usual, "You can't change this, get over it already. Stop being stupid", did not come (thank you Jamie!). I embraced the feelings. Second, I was reminded of our conversation about the 5 stages of grief as outlined by American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.  Originally I didn't think they applied to this situation, but they do.  I am allowed to, and will, feel any or all of the following;

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

At times, I feel them simultaneously.

Before starting the day, I switched gears.  I focused on my gratefulness and reminded myself not to self sabotage. Later, walking the dog at the beach I felt the cool breeze on my face, smelled the salty air, watched the surfers enjoy their waves and felt at peace.

I was being kind.....you try too♥


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