Thursday, October 16, 2014

I Will be Me

I've had this dilemma for the past month or so. I would love to hear your opinion on the matter.

My spouse is sick. He has a drug addiction, is an alcoholic, a diabetic and has been diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder with psychotic aspects. 

In addition to that, he did things that husbands should never do. Exposed me and the kids to things that you do not expose your loved ones to. Violated all his vows. He lied, stole, cheated and manipulated all while never missing work or being arrested or getting into an altercation (except for a dealer beating the crap out of him once).

After all that, does one just abandon an ill person to fend for themselves. Do you turn you back and say, "You're on your own buddy."  A big part of me says "YOU BETCHA." Another part of me says that this is a very sick person and the father of my children and a child of God worthy of care and love.

I am struggling with doing the RIGHT thing. I truly don't know what that is.

Luckily, one thing I have learned is that I don't have to do anything right now. I can wait until tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I can wait until something absolutely has to be done or until my heart leads me in a direction that brings peace.  Today I will just be. I will be kind and I will be tough and I will be me.

Just for today.


3 comments:

  1. I like that you recognize that there is no hurry. We were in crisis mode at one point, but we aren’t there anymore. There is time to talk and decide. '

    I don't know what the right answer is either. I also feel this pressure (responsibility?) to be more involved in his recovery. It simply doesn’t make sense to me that we would just say, “Go deal with your own shit.” I consider what I would do if it was your or one of my siblings or even one of my friends and I don’t think I would leave them to deal.

    I DO NOT like the comparison between cancer and mental illnesses. I believe they have good intentions for portraying it that way, but it isn’t always appropriate. I think it’s an appropriate comparison when you’re talking about medication, doctors, health insurance and the government. Mental illness needs to be recognized as an illness by everyone.

    But when it comes to relationships it isn’t the same thing. Dealing with a cancer patient and a mentally ill person doesn’t require the same things of the person taking care of them. I could list them, but I would go on too long. For me NAMI uses that comparison because they have to. They have to make people understand that mental illness is an illness, that there isn’t a choice.

    What I hope for is to talk to you and the family and then bring Dad into it. I think there are probably some things we can do to help. I’m not sure what they are. I want him to be responsible for his own life and his own illness. I do not want to make him feel small and helpless. That seems like the biggest challenge in finding my place in his life.

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  2. Good morning, Linda.... Back again! I so love to read that your children are part of this healing circle... that instead of isolating yourself from your children, you have embraced them.

    I have no answers either.... I would simply suggest to stay tuned in with your heart and it will lead the way... you will intuitively know when to engage and when to retreat....

    I am just wondering... that one time when he was on the beach and kicked by that stranger? There was more to it, wasn't there? I so vividly remember sharing that story with John, and he would not buy it. He kept saying there is more to that.... and now, I think he may be right... I bought it. But I have bought many stories over the years that I later found had led me quite astray from the truth... hmmm...

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    1. Good morning to you Harriet. It's good to hear from you. John had it right. As with so many of the "strange" things that have been going on in his life, that incident was the result of an angry boyfriend of his main drug supplier. He connected with her at least once a day and many times more if he was able. I guess the boyfriend felt threatened and lashed out. Hope all is well with you. Keep warm❄️❄️

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