An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Today’s affirmation: On this day, if I do something imperfectly, I will remember that I also do a lot of things right. I have many reasons to be proud of myself.  To that I say amen.  Up long before the sun, so I got to watch it rise to greet me with a warm smile. 

People stuck on the other side of the US border are sending their children walking across the border, in the hopes for something better for them. Their homes are not tenable. Whether it is the abject poverty or, more likely, escaping violence, people don't leave their homes and travel afoot, or by whatever means, lightly. One does not leave the nurturing of family, good jobs and a warm home to seek the unknown. They do it for a hope of a better future. Now, stuck in stinking camps, sickness becoming a looming threat, some are doing the unthinkable.....packing small bags, documenting their little ones names in the hopes of finding them one day, and sending them alone. Can you imagine for one minute? Can you stand in that man's shoes? That woman's heart being torn in two? As a mom, I force myself to think what it would take to get me to send my child off into the night. Not in the hope of a free meal ticket. Not looking to take someone else's' job. Pure despera...

The house that I owned before my divorce was my dream house. It was old, not perfect by any means, but it had a great garden, away from the city noise and it was a good size. The dreams I floated for the future saw me in the living room, with the kids and their partners home, a couple of grandkids playing with the toys I had purchased with just them in mind. I envisioned a tent in the backyard for the adventurous, a night under the stars. Food is cooking, filling the house with the aroma of home. Peace and joy are the feelings I conjured up when picturing this homecoming. And though it would be tight, we would all fit. The reality is quite different. Not everyone is home and home is not where I thought it would be. A couple are sleeping in the uninsulated garage (which happens to actually matter this year as we have a rare storm), one will be on the couch and two won't be coming home at all. There are no grandkids as of yet. What there is, in this tiny house of mine, is a lot ...

It is Thanksgiving eve and we are having a downpour. The total rain we have had so for is 0.21 inches FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR! We desperately need this rain. But tomorrow I am having 18 people come for a huge meal. My house is 900 sq. ft. I was counting on some outside access especially for the kidlets. Not sure how this is going to go but I'll put on my happy face and try to make the very best of it. The dogs, who are still trying to kill each other, are taken care of. Scruffy is going visiting with a lady who takes dogs in for a price. That way we don't have to worry about someone accidentally letting a dog loose. I would hate for the little ones to have to watch it. It's quite traumatizing. My boy from Portland is here with his partner and my boy from San Francisco will be here in a few short hours. Aside for the fact that they must stay in a leaky, cold garage, I am happy. My man is joyfully cooking. Wishing you a great day and a wonderful holiday if you are ...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change The courage the change the one I can And the wisdom to know that one is me This is ACA's special serenity prayer and, as much as I love it, I can find it difficult to adopt fully. It's a great way to live if you are able. I think my problem is that I just can't get it in my head how truly alone I am and how a self love and inner trust is necessary for peace to settle in. Once I figure that out, life with others will get easier. I imagine life with me will get easier for those around me too. Meanwhile, relationships my kids keep getting deeper and richer as I practice cleaning up my side of the road and staying in my own lane. It works. You, yes you, might be laughing or scoffing at me, but I didn't know this most basic of rules. Now that I have awareness, it allows me to let go of resentments, let go of my interpretation of someone else's actions or words, and enhances peace.

This morning I feel sad and a little heartbroken but it’s ok. People will often let you down but right now I have my beach on this chilly, breezy morning. I have my own company which isn’t half bad. I am remembering that I deserve to be honored, to be treated well and to be true to myself. I will do what I need to do this morning and while I do, I will share a little of my beach with you.  Hope yours is a fantastic day. 

I just made a donation to Planned Parenthood in honor of Mike Pence and I feel GREAT! No pressure here, but if you would like to donate in honor of our ultra-conservative VP, who is against the woman's right to make healthy decisions for herself, her body and her family, you can donate here: ****Donate to Planned Parenthood in Honor of Mike Pence**** Planned Parenthood is the biggest supplier of reproductive healthcare for the poor and underinsured in America. Also, I couldn't help but post this:

My youngest had her graduation ceremony on Friday night. What should have been a time of sweet celebration turned out to be quite bittersweet. As I sit here to write, I feel the ache still. The kids father, of course, wanted to be at the ceremony. The only thing is, he cannot drive at night. At first, my sweet graduate was going to take him up (about 45 minutes from home) bring him back to his sober living house and then go back up to enjoy the parties with her classmates. I was making the trip myself and did not want to spend an hour both ways in the car with him alone. It would be very uncomfortable for me and maybe it would be for him too....I don't know. But I also wanted her to have a fun, free evening. She worked hard for this night. Last minute my Denver girl decided to fly in and she solved the whole thing by driving her dad up and back. My Boy Scout ended up getting the night off too, so I had a cohort in my journey up and down. After the ceremony, which included ea...

I took a friend to a fundraising event at a local college. The nearby town of Moorpark (which has no moors) is home to a unique curriculum that it and only one other college in the country has. Moorpark College houses a small teaching zoo and is well known for it's  Exotic Animal Training & Management  program.  My friend, Nancy, who is very young at heart, loves this program and the animals within. She especially loves one of the tigers, Karma. I pick Nancy up around 4:30. She's spunky and doesn't need a lot of help. She's dressed comfortable yet chic, with her gorgeous shock of white hair topping every outfit. She's giddy about the coming evening. As we arrive at the zoo, she is greeted by many people that know her well. It's dark (the event got pushed back two weeks because of the last round of Southern California fires) and hard to see the animals but she insists on going back to see her Karma. We return to the program area and they've reser...

Gratitude doesn't come naturally to her. She has to work at it. Her brain takes her places and tells her things and tries to put her in a box with a too tight lid. The other day, her thoughts took her to the "Look at what your friends are doing" mode. Never a good place to be but sometimes it sabotages her at just the right moment and swipes her feet out from underneath her. Some of her friends do some traveling to lovely places. Something she has always desired...something she had "planned on for the future" while living life. Now that time has come and the opportunities appear somewhat limited. Finding balance can be hard. So she focuses on those travelling friends and feels discontented, disgruntled, discouraged. She hears her partner talk about his travel, she dines with him and his ex and they touch on places they have been together and those feelings grow. Eating at the good stuff, the awareness, roof over your head, money to pay the bills, the family...

When you lose your vision, you lose contact with things. When you lose your hearing, you lose contact with people. ~Helen Keller While the idea of losing vision is very scary, more and more I feel the isolation of hearing loss. I try to be brave and own it. I am secretary at a meeting and I realized last night that I was asked a question by someone sitting at the table and was completely unaware that anyone had spoken. A gal next to me prodded me and I responded but it was awkward. Those are the kind of things that ebb at my confidence and make me doubt my place or ability. I am choosing to move forward with this position regardless. I am trying to love myself even with my defective hearing. I suppose they will tell me if it gets to be a problem. I feel the more I give into those belittling inner messages, the more I give up on parts of my life that I enjoy.  Speech is civilization itself. The word, even the most contradictory word, preserves contact---it is silence whi...