Pomp and Circumstance

My youngest had her graduation ceremony on Friday night. What should have been a time of sweet celebration turned out to be quite bittersweet. As I sit here to write, I feel the ache still.

The kids father, of course, wanted to be at the ceremony. The only thing is, he cannot drive at night. At first, my sweet graduate was going to take him up (about 45 minutes from home) bring him back to his sober living house and then go back up to enjoy the parties with her classmates. I was making the trip myself and did not want to spend an hour both ways in the car with him alone. It would be very uncomfortable for me and maybe it would be for him too....I don't know. But I also wanted her to have a fun, free evening. She worked hard for this night.

Last minute my Denver girl decided to fly in and she solved the whole thing by driving her dad up and back. My Boy Scout ended up getting the night off too, so I had a cohort in my journey up and down.

After the ceremony, which included each student and their model for the evening, we went down to the stage to congratulate and take pictures. The thing is, her dad wasn't doing well. Medications for mental illness and other health issues can be strong and hard to manage. He works with his doctors to level out all the negative side effects of the medications but it takes good and caring doctors, as well as decent body awareness and a strong desire to work hard at caring for oneself. I am not sure all of that is taking place.

I think we were all startled at the shape the man was in. After the pics, my Denver girl and her dad left. I stayed a bit longer and saw that my graduate was heartsick. Not wanting to make assumptions, I asked but got no real answer.

The next day, after she had some "recovery" time, my two girls and I spent the afternoon together, talking, eating and, best of all, laughing. It was during that time she shared with me that she had wanted to have dinner with us after the ceremony. She wanted to be with family for a bit but she felt guilty that it would hurt her dad tremendously if she went to dinner with us (me and the Boy scout).

I hate that my kids have to deal with those feelings and choices. Add into the mix their dad's fragility and instability and it layers a complex situation of navigating healthy boundaries and codependency .

I am so proud of my girl. She's worked hard, school 40 hours a week while working two jobs, and I celebrate her accomplishment!

Comments

  1. YES, celebrate her accomplishment! as for your ex, he can't seem to help himself. not your circus, not your monkey. and now that your kids are adults, they can decide for themselves whether or not they want him around.

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  2. Yea Mom for such great work on a wonderful young woman!
    When I was a kid I would long for my parents to be divorced instead of my mom being dead. I said that once to a friend who was so depressed when her parents were splitting. I used to think she could at least go visit her mom or dad. But then I saw her pain and all she went through over the years and I saw how hard it was on her and decided we never know what it's like until we live it. I knew at that age of 14 that she didn't have it any easier than me really. It was just stress in different areas.
    How proud you must be that your daughter is empathetic and so loving to worry about her dad and you. You did good Linda!!

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  3. Congratulations to your young woman! She worked hard and has achieved so much. Well done.

    You must be very proud of her, Linda!

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  4. I'm sorry for you all. That hurts my heart. But what a kind, sweet girl she must be.

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  5. Congrats to your daughter on her graduation. Well done!

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  6. Congratulations to your daughter and to raising her under what must have been hard circumstances at times.

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  7. That does sound like a bittersweet day but oh, you have so much to be proud of with your hardworking, wise daughter. I know it must be very difficult for all of you -- and yet, you were together and I know that had to be a big deal, even if a challenging one.

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