An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Do you have people in your life that turn things around on you? Twist and warp them into something they are not. The Orange One is king of that kind of nonsense. My ex did it to me but to be fair I do not think that he was aware. I think he did it out of a primitive sense of survival. Addicts can do that. Often, that kind of person can leave you off footed, questioning your thoughts, standards and belief system. I am present but not knowing what to say or how to respond. Those people can exhaust a person. I am tired today.....tired of the game. Of trying to figure out what words mean or what the unspoken leaves open for space to fill. Leaving blank is a good method of not being pinned down to any one thing. Then when I take what is said....spread it out to what seems the end....then the other shoes drops..."I never said that", "Where did that come from", or any other little sentence that dangles and doesn't commit. Did I mention I am tired.

I was a fairly controlling mom. I was cautious and careful, especially when the kids were very young. I wasn't the freewheeling "it'll all work out" kind of gal, although there is something to be said for that woman. When I was 33ish, we were at my mom's house playing in the complex pool. It was crowded, as my mom lived in a town called Santa Clarita, well known for getting pretty damn hot in the summer. I had my littlest in the pool in my arms (I started them young). My mom, my sister Sal and my other three kids were hanging by the stairs.  We were having a great time, talking, laughing.... good times with family. At some point I looked over to see Scotty, my 3 year old, trying to tread water, unable to get his head to break the surface. I yelled and started towards him. My mom or Sal scooped him up. I remember him sputtering with his big eyes open so wide in shock of it all. He was a confident little swimmer. I had started them all with lessons as infants...

The Boy Scout and I are in the middle of the World According to Garp by John Irving. It’s my first Irving novel and I’ve never seen the movie so I had no preconceived notions of what to expect. I’m finding it far more than just enjoyable, it’s hilarious. The man, using his deep, beautiful voice, is reading to me last night. He, with his head at the top of the bed next to the reading lamp and me, with my head at the foot of the bed, playing a game of solitaire on my iPad while he reads. Not uncommon for me to be lulled to sleep by the sound of his voice so the Solitaire keeps me wide-awake during the readings. Smack dab in the middle of the book we are reading a short story by Garp that he has given his wife to review. The story is about an accident Garp hears near his home. He approaches the scene and finds a rather large man still in his seat, drunk enough that he seems unaware that he is hanging upside down. At some point he starts talking to a bowling ball, calling it Roger. ...

My youngest posted a picture of me on social media after she styled my hair and added a sweet note of how beautiful she thinks I am. I looked at that woman, who doesn't resemble me all that much, and struggled. I had hoped we (you and I) would be the generation that taught our daughters how to love themselves unconditionally. We had the groundwork to do that. We had the Women's Rights movement. We had insights to self love and exposure to other ways of life such as Buddhism and the entire self help genre. But I don't think we ever really got it. I know I didn't. I look at that aging woman in the picture and think, "Oh, if I were loaded, would I get a facelift?". I see young women today getting more plastic surgery than ever before....boobs, butts, botox. All to fulfill that fantasy of the perfect selfie, without looking deeper than the skin to find true happiness and love. This may sound a little like granny saying, "Elvis will ruin our children...

My sweet mom suffered with ovarian cancer for over 7 years. When I say suffer, I mean suffer. When they first realized she had cancer, it was at a fairly advanced stage, which is not uncommon for ovarian. There are still no really good tests for it. Hers had grown and intersected her colon and bowels. The initial surgery require the removal of all things female and a portion of her intestinal tract. Massive surgery and then chemo followed right away. Sickness and all the things that come with chemo ensued. After that, there were the years of watching numbers go up and down and responding with new rounds of chemo. I think 5 total. All the while, she dealt with horrible bowel issues, weakness, loss of appetite, loss of hearing, chemo brain, recurring hospital trips for bowel blockages or dehydration.  She was nearly killed by an ICU nurse that double her morphine by accident, treated poorly by underpaid, overworked nurses and put up with God like egos from doctors. She also en...

Due to the changes in my work situation my youngest had to procure her own health insurance. The $942.00 per month only covers me and only that when I've first forked over $3,500.00. Therefore, since my girl is still a student and considered one of the working poor, she applied for Medi-Cal. We got all the paperwork together, made copies of the proper documentation, stuck it all in an envelope and did a drive by of the local post office. The box is on the street so she rolled the window down and plopped the envelope in the box. She proceeded to turn to me and say, "That's the first letter I ever mailed." It may be one of the few she mails in her lifetime. Even being in business, I utilize the USPS very infrequently. It's a different world.....no green stamps, slide rules, milk bottles on the front porch, floppy discs, TV stations signing off, developing film, packed cd cases, pagers or Rand McNally. For the oldies still holding on.....GPS, iPhone cameras, T...

I’m not really a perfume gal but this stuff is like heaven to me. It was taken off the market a few years back and I managed to grab a few bottles online before they all disappeared. Score! That was 4 years ago and now down to my last bottle. For a good long while, I wore it only on special occasions in order to make it last. Deciding that was living in scarcity, I now put it on pretty regular and am enjoying every moment I have with this glorious scent. It'll run out soon and I'll be sad but this stuff in my soul since I am very olfactory centric. I will never forget how I feel when I spray it on. Aren't memories wonderful? ps I did find a seller on EBay selling a single 3 oz bottle but it was $280 bucks and I'm not willing to through that down. Thé Bergamote / Bergamot Tea fragrance notes Black tea, Bergamot, Mandarin, Grapefruit, Cardamom, Woods

WORD FOR THE DAY Strength means...acknowledging each of those feelings, your questions and ideas and faith and terror, and meeting what comes with the full force of your heart. BRENDA SHAUGHNESSY When experiencing unpleasant feelings, I would shove, squelch or rage. Mostly rage. Those feelings COULDN'T BE FELT! I would blame the people who were involved in creating those feelings inside instead of dealing with them. There were times that it seemed as if I would die. I know that sounds melodramatic but now I know anxiety and panic can tell my brain lies. I still don't like them and I still don't always act appropriately but I am now more aware and I am doing much better than last year. last month and even yesterday. I am starting to feel the pain of fear and betrayal, grief and sadness and not run around like a crazy woman trying desperately to FIX IT. Do you feel freely or do you avoid and, if so, how do you avoid?

I got a new car last week. My old mom car is being retired. It served me well. Eleven years, 200K miles, 4 kids, one Bernese mountain dog, one Frenchie and a whole lot of life took place inside of that Ford Flex that I call the Rootbeer Float. We’ve laughed, cried and travelled life’s road within those 5 doors. I sought out solace and easing of my pain inside that car after my divorce. I remember sitting and crying in the foothills above my city after my first date with the Boy Scout. Even an enjoyable night out was accompanied by pain after losing what had been my dreams. More recently the Rootbeer Float accommodated that ever expanding volume of shit that sustains a long day of golf for two people. I still love that car but I don’t quite trust it anymore and, above all else, this girl values trust. My new car, a trusty Toyota, is much smaller and fun to drive. My favorite feature? The car doors all automatically lock the second I get in and shut them. LOVE IT!  Oh, and t...