An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

WORD FOR THE DAY Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions. HAFIZ This was our first time travelling together and it was not without some pretty good sized bumps. At times, Boy Scout was being a bit of an Asshole and we worked it out. Other times, fear became my best friend for a short period of time and things got ugly. Each time, with a lot of work, it deflated and became more manageable, less consuming and then I could breathe like a normal person.  Life is better when you have a room with a view.

Home now. Just getting a few memories written down.... After a long day of walking and touring, we enter Notre Dame Cathedral in order to enjoy a concert of Vivaldi that was advertised. Good music and a chair to sit in sounded fantastic. The Boy Scout with metal knees and a bad foot is tired and limping. I hurry in and quietly take a seat near the back.  He catches up and I say, “Would you like to get a little closer?”  He nods, grabs his bag and then proceeds to create a small slipstream behind him as he rushes forward. I’m surprised papers weren’t following the draft he made. I felt like a grandma trying to keep up with her 3 year old grandson.  He goes past the first and second sections. Breezes by a roped off area that has a sign that says “PRAYERFUL ONLY” and proceeds to sit his ass, front and center. A priestly mob of 5 come out and start prayers, and then a gal with a lovely voice sings in either French or Latin (not sure which). The peeps around us start r...

WORD FOR THE DAY People gain so much hope when they know they are not experiencing something alone. JOYCE RUPP The very reason I came to blogland in the first place. I have not been disappointed. You have made me laugh, cry, rejoice and feel heard.  For this, I thank you. 

Today we attended a church service at Saint Eustache in the 1st arrondissement of Paris.  The church has wonderful French gothic architecture and gorgeous windows. It’s current form was built between 1532 and 1632. The Inside artwork is stunning but darkened by years of being on a busy street as well as candle and incense burning.  Inside this massive church there are towering arches overhead with rays of sunlight coming from every direction. The choir is singing and though they are few considering the size of the church, their voices fill it well. The congregation, which is not over 150, are dwarfed by the sheer size of the place. I’m watching some parishioners on their knees on the solid, cold marble floor and wonder how hard it will be for some to rise. Interesting to watch an older women stand at an immense pillar with her forehead against it as if in penance.  Don’t know if that is a common occurrence or not.  As the priest spoke, in French of cour...

More and more, I find myself buying less. Not as many housewares, clothing, landscape items, etc. My needs are simplifying and I like it a lot. I do still eat out quite a bit but it is often a time of connection with friends and family. I like the idea of minimizing. I like the idea of a pretty basic wardrobe and not having to have it take a lot of my energy. Things have never once filled my emptiness for more than a few hours.  Additionally, I like the idea of spending less time on things and more time being present with people and being grateful for what is around me.  WORD FOR THE DAY To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion....In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony. WILLIAM HENRY CHANNING

Tonight was stunning.   Music has never been incredibly important to me, perhaps because of my hearing loss. I love certain songs and I love to dance but it has never been my passion. That being said, I am feeling an confluence of emotion because U2  is undeniably a passion. I sit here with the memories of a night well spent. Gone was my constraint and shyness, my poor sense of rhythm was brought richly into sync with the beat of the drums. I danced to poems of love, brotherhood, equality and justice set to music.  I felt pure happiness. And.....wait for it......tears.  Tears of love and connection, of memories so bittersweet ..... tears from this scarred woman who connects with this band so tightly.  Songs of my youth, of young motherhood and the here and now.  I thought of dancing with my kids and singing with them in the car until moms music became uncool and the stations got changed. I was reminded of love here and love gone.  I tho...

We leave for Paris tomorrow!! First real vacation since 2012. Keeping expectations low, anticipating good things and hoping to go with the flow. Praying that the dizziness sticks to a minimum. What more can I say except... À plus tard

Yesterday after leaving my ENT I had a good cry. I have vertigo. I have had it now since mid July. It was way worse (not being able to walk) and a little worse (not being able to drive) and now its liveable but not a ton of fun. I waited 6 weeks to get into that ENT but I already knew what she would say. HER: no infection, looks healthy ME: anything that can be done about the vertigo HER: aside from an MRI (which I don't believe will reveal anything) make sure your eye prescription is up to date and you wear comfortable shoes ME: the tinnitus....anything in the works being done to help that HER: nothing noteworthy. you can use white noise or something that distracts your brain from focusing on the head noise ME: here are my Audiograms from the last 10 years HER: Oh WOW! your hearing is really bad ME: is it? HER: yes, you run from severe to moderately severe. (THAT'S NEWS TO ME) ME: well at least it doesn't seem to be getting a lot worse every year. HER: tha...

WORD FOR THE DAY Appreciation is the highest form of prayer, for it acknowledges the presence of good wherever you shine the light of your thankful thoughts. ALAN COHEN Let me remember to be grateful, for that is the key to true happiness. Grateful takes away the need to compete with the Jones'. Grateful makes what we have enough. Grateful doesn't mean there is no bad, but that the main focus should be the good. Let me remember.

The Secret Keeper sent this the other day and I had a good cry. I already knew. I already knew I was his anchor to this planet. This broken man who is trying to stay sober and not always successfully.  He’s working a program and working on his relationships with the kids but every once in awhile I get something like this. I know he is lonely and sees no future for himself beyond renting a room somewhere for the rest of his life. I feel sad and a lot of GUILT even though it’s not my responsibility. It just hurts but these days I’m figuring out how to feel those feelings. Just sit with them.

My body, my soul, my disposition; none of it is set up for parties. I’m not talking family get togethers. I can do those and be the last one to leave but parties.....I HATE them.  I love people, I really do. But one on one, connecting in a meaningful way. Parties are just small talk with loads of background noise and heavy drinking. Three things that I have an incredibly difficult time with. Last night we attended one given by a couple we are very fond of. The e-vite had 112 in attendance with another 26 possibles. There was a good band (which did me no good at all), booze was everywhere, as was a flock of National Charity Leaguers, with their deep tans, designer clothing and their ever young faces due to the youth freezing technologies of injectables and plastic surgeons.  I did my best. I really did! I engaged and made small talk. Asked people to repeat or just smiled at them as if I understood. I watched the Boy Scout pour himself a decent size drink of straight tequ...

I sit slightly left of center. I make no bones about it. That being said, John McCain was a hero to me, just as he was to millions of other people in this world. I watched his memorial today, which is not my wont, to hear what they had to say about him. I loved both Bush's and Obama's eulogies. They spoke of great character, humor, patriotism and honor. Touching and heartwarming. If you missed it, take a look here: