An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I want to: stop being afraid be peaceful love fully travel  learn to relax turn off negative thoughts trust in my God stop being afraid run a full marathon go back and be a better parent deeply connect with people be a good partner ask for what I want know what I want stop being afraid Today's todo list.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbyes so hard. ~aa milne - winnie the pooh Goodbye sweetness. You did not lose. You fought the true battle and won.....and you showed the rest of us the way too.

Los Angeles......The Angels. The other day when the Boy Scout and I were celebrating his birthday with a tour of Union Station we decided to take more of the cities sites. As I grew up there, there wasn't any big surprises but it was fun to see it through his eyes. Like most big cities, Los Angeles is a multicultural Mecca and it is rather easy to figure out what part of town you are in by the signage and its vibe. Boyle Heights with its Latino barrio, Silverlake with a great LGBTQ community, Little Tokyo, Koreatown, Leimert Park with a strong African American influence.  It's an interesting, lovely and gritty town. Scattered throughout the neighborhoods are fascinating examples of street art and fabulous murals: This is one that, though faded now, I have loved for decades In addition to the murals, are the famous Wings (though they can be found elsewhere, this is reportedly where they started). Turn any corner and you can find a set by the artist Colet...

Union Station Yesterday we went on a tour of the Union Station in downtown Los Angeles. The tour was run by the L.A. Conservancy and led by a passionate volunteer for that organization. We learned of early history, battles by the various competing railroads and the displacement of the residents of the China Town portion of the city.  Union Station (originally called Los Angeles Union Passenger Terminal), was built replace the La Grande Station which was damaged in the 1933 Long Beach earthquake, and is know as the "Last of the Great Railway Station" built in America. The architecture is a combination of Art Deco, Mission Revival and Streamline Moderne. Odd mix but I think it works. Old La Grande Station 1893-1933 Union Station Ticket office-often used in movies Union Station - waiting room Fun day!!!

Last night I had my first bath in months! No, I don't have hydrophobia. The tub was removed from the house about 16 months ago. Eight weeks after it was removed a shower was put in its place. More grateful for that shower than I can express but, truth be told, I am a tub gal.  Under that cardboard is a nice little tub♥ Well the master bath construction continues but the tub is in! So, with no real walls, no windows, no flooring or lights....I got in my new tub. The Boy Scout set out towels and used a pliers to turn the water on. The air was chilly, the water was near scalding as I sunk in and closed my eyes. This is home. It's in my genes. My mama was the same way and, as I have written before, she and I shared many a special moment as she soaked in the tub after a long, hard day at work and I sat near by, catching up with the days events or just being together. She probably would have rather been alone but she never said so that I can remember. The bath tub is...

I love being in business. I love that my business has flourished over the years and that it has allowed me to grow, be challenged and have tremendous flexibility. I enjoy what I do for the most part but am not a believer in the whole "We must love and be passionate about what we do to be successful" idea. I think that is similar to the BIG lie they taught us girls in the 70's and 80's....that we could have it all. We couldn't have it all. Most of us got by just barely and dealt with the guilt of knowing that we could have done some of it...the housework, job, raising kids and being a partner....much better if only we weren't spread as thin as a rail. I am not "passionate" about my job but I am responsible and do it well. All that being said, I get tired. I get tired of being responsible for just about everything, for every decision, for the future. Today I am tired. That's today and tomorrow will be better. Do you ever get tired of...

What I missed.... beautiful youth a head full of hair morning woodies a man at the peak of his career a body unmarred by a young drunk girl who couldn't remember getting behind the wheel dabbling in hard drugs college frat boy a man looking for a family top notch waiter a physically active dude an unlined face a partier lifestyle his wedding meeting his parents and sister What I got.... a broken man a beautiful soul a smile every morning a lover of art and music a guy with a very heavy car a fabulous cook someone who needs a job a golfer a dance partner an ex-wife   long drives with Name That Tune (and year) an empathetic optimist a man who loves children and dogs a crier at movies a very NON-handyman a gardener a big dreamer a lover and a friend

Can you love someone that you have never met? Not the way one loves an actor or a national hero, but truly love? My sweet friend in healthier days. Five years ago I met the most wonderful woman on Happier.com . Happier was one of the first steps I took to start changing my life. I was still living in craziness when I found that app. It was basically social media but everyone on Happier made a choice to be positive, uplifting and happy-focused. When I got on, I set about finding a community and boy did I ever. I "met" about 50 people that helped me on the journey to a better way of life. One of the people I met is Sharon. Happy and sweet, positive and captivating, we became friends. Sharon is Native Alaskan by heritage and when we met she was living with her partner Stevie in Mekoryuk on a tiny island called Nunivak, off the coast of Alaska. Sharon is a fighter. Our Happier and Facebook communities have been beside her as best we could as she battled Metastatic Breast...

Met the Boy Scout's ex for drinks (why does it always have to be drinks?) so that he could see their communal dog (Cooper) that now lives with her. It was fine, it was lighthearted, it was pleasant....it hurt. Thinned skinned me notice every little smile and look, every inside joke they shared from their 30 some years together. The packet of pictures she produced from the big 30th birthday party she threw, where my man lovingly held and kissed another woman (her). They drank the same drink. They gleefully talked of football and the coming season. They laughed over some of their amusing shared partying past (which wasn't all that funny to me). The easy, relaxed way he interacted with her. The way he jumped when she sent him off on an errand as if it was still his job to be her partner. After he left, she talked to me about what I could do for his 60th birthday. Something she had in the back of her mind for 20 years or so...  It hurt. But the difference is I recognize...

Me and my Boy Scout No really!!  My man meets and greets kids everywhere we go. I am waiting for the day where we get a weird reaction but so far, so good.  He talks to kids in parking lots, stores, parks, restaurants and anywhere else. He loves them and, for the most part, they seem to love him too. Santa Barbara, a nearby town, had their yearly celebration called  Old Spanish Days . 5 days of parties, dancing, music, festivals and parades. Of all the goings on, the Boy Scout let me know that more than anything he wanted to go see the children's parade. So up we went to meet a good friend and enjoy the kiddies display their best dance moves, gussied up bikes, strollers and wagons, and a love of their Spanish heritage. Living along the coast of California, many of our communities (including Los Angeles and San Francisco) were formed around or near Spanish Missions. Ventura, the city where we live, and Santa Barbara, which is just north of us, are no exception. ...

Dear girl, You are not me, When I react to something or share how I feel about something and you don't happen to like or agree with it, please don't dismiss me or scoff at my feelings.  You were not married to your father. You do not have a wife's point of view. You were and are a daughter. We do not have the same experience. You never had a shared future with him. Your future was your own. My future had been promised to him and I took that promise to heart. If I do not like it when he arbitrarily shows up places, or texts me inappropriate things, I am not being stupid or dramatic. I am being me...the person who lived with him for 34 years and needed to change her dreams and aspirations in order to move forward. His drive bys, showing ups and telling me how much he loves and misses me, cause me to feel, not only discomfort, but it also pain. Perhaps it is guilt, yes...it's probably a good portion of guilt but I'd just rather not have that kind of interaction...

Truth be told...I'm getting to be a pretty golfer for an old gal. Having a lot of fun and frustration but more of the former than the latter so I think I'll keep it up. I don't like everything about the game. The sexism is annoying, the drinking and mood altering drugs challenge my fears and the ASSHOLES piss me off. But ASSHOLES are everywhere  and I've no intention of letting 'em steal my fun. Therefore, a golfing I will go.

Yesterday, while walking through the office, I encountered a sweet little gal who is a very positive person. We exchanged our normal greetings and then she inquired, "On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your happy number?"  Good question! I got to consider it for a second, doing an inner assessment. The answer came easy. "I have to make that a daily choice. It's not my default to feel content, quite the opposite. So I choose to be happy today.....I'd give me a 9."  "How about you?", I asked. Ashley gave herself a 7. She said it would be higher but that she and her husband were in the process of moving and it was adding a bit of stress to their lives. Seven is not bad, especially while moving. I know things are not perfect for her, she has some real heartaches. She chooses. I have another gal in my life who is a perennial victim. I don't judge her for it. I recognize that she has had a difficult life but I also see that it how she relates to t...