Thursday, August 3, 2017

Note To Daughter If I Had The Guts To Share It

Dear girl,

You are not me, When I react to something or share how I feel about something and you don't happen to like or agree with it, please don't dismiss me or scoff at my feelings. 

You were not married to your father. You do not have a wife's point of view. You were and are a daughter. We do not have the same experience. You never had a shared future with him. Your future was your own. My future had been promised to him and I took that promise to heart. If I do not like it when he arbitrarily shows up places, or texts me inappropriate things, I am not being stupid or dramatic. I am being me...the person who lived with him for 34 years and needed to change her dreams and aspirations in order to move forward.

His drive bys, showing ups and telling me how much he loves and misses me, cause me to feel, not only discomfort, but it also pain. Perhaps it is guilt,'s probably a good portion of guilt but I'd just rather not have that kind of interaction. I have to move forward in the best way possible. If you see me misstep, and I don't ask you for help, then allow me to make my way. I am doing pretty good. If I ask you for help, then do it in a kind way. Helping me to understand from your point of view is far preferable to mocking.

Love from Mamallama


  1. My heart hurts reading this letter. I say 'mail it'! But if you don't mail it, write it out by hand, did a little hole and burn it. As the ashes rise, see the power that his lack of respect and integrity float away.

    I pray that your daughter never experiences the pain that will cause her to understand your pain but that she gains the wisdom to honor and respect your feelings.

  2. It has to be difficult for your daughter, loving you both as she does. Your feelings are important however and you deserve to have them respected. You expressed yourself beautifully here. Your daughter should read your post.

  3. I'm so sorry you had this reaction from your daughter. Your actions and reactions are justified and correct. And important for your healing. However, no one in an alcoholic family has a free and unencumbered future. We are all damaged. We are all reacting. One day she will understand and then she will begin to heal, too. Your last sentence is the message she needs to hear.

  4. Everybody is not as enlightened or has ability to rEPLACE other to fEEL her PAIN.

    i find it little odd because you live in west where such attitudes are almost nil.
    but i live in an eastern country where if once a wife turn into a mother she has to spend her whole life with man who even doesn't deserve her . Such pain is beyond description .
    Though environment is changing due to growing education and self right awareness and separations are taking place often in big cities particularly .

    I hope and wish you are fully aware what is right for you and chose what is GOOD for you .she will be convinced by the passing time hopefully

  5. Children oftentimes have a hard time understanding or trying to remain neutral. Sometimes they feel like they should choose sides or become an ally to one parent. I can completely relate to this post.


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