An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

May they always match

As I continue to work hard at my recovery in Al-Anon, it has become very evident that I need a little more help than I am getting. Moving forward means some one on one with a professional and I am excited at the opportunity for growth.  About 5 months ago, I gave it a shot but that one did not work out. In reference to AA, she remarked something about "If your going to drink the Kool-Aid". Al-Anon has been so much personal growth for me and I am inclined to talk to someone that has a little different take on the subject. When I spoke to this counselor about my fears, she kept pointing to people outside of me....doesn't she know that I was born with fear? The people around me aren't responsible for making me afraid....I have always lived in fear mode. I wore it like my very favorite soft sweater, surrounding myself with the comfort of that at home feeling.  Not so much anymore but it rears its ugly head on occasion. I want to learn to feel it, analyze it an...

Over the weekend my youngest invited me to spend the afternoon with her while she got a tattoo.  She has been planning this for quite awhile. I have been dreading it for about the same amount of time. When the subject first came up, I wasn't very supportive. She wanted to get lavender on her forearm. She explained that it was because lavender is my favorite flower and it reminds her of me. I had it all over the yard of our old house. I love the color, the plant, the scent....all of it. I was touched, felt a lump in my throat, but still wished she wouldn't do it. It's been a good two years since she first brought it up and yesterday was the day of reckoning. I was able to support her decision because I've learned over the last two years that it's just not about me at all and that, even if I have an opinion, I should keep it to myself unless asked. So I went as she put this permanent, forever mark on her beautiful perfect skin. I did not cry or discourage. W...

When I was going through the hardest time of my life, finding reasons to smile were difficult for me. Spending much time in fear, my focus was still in victim mode. I could not, for the life of me, see the good that might come from the situation.  During the harder times, one of the few things in my life that could make me smile and put my cares aside was this little nutball.  She had no agenda, no expectations and no pain that needed tending. She just loved me and put no demands on me except to be acknowledged and fed. I could manage that with very little effort when all else seemed so daunting. The situation has slowly settled over the last two years and much good has come from it. Yes, my marriage ended badly and the Secret Keeper, whom I love, struggles to hold on to his life, but the good things are many. A few things I am grateful for: 1.       A wonderful, loving partnership with the Boy Scout. 2.      ...

I desire to be an authentic person. Authentic people practice the following: 1. They don’t fake their feelings. Highly authentic people don’t hide their feeling or pretend they are feeling something they are not. If they are upset, they show it. If they like someone, they let them know. They express their feelings honestly and openly without fear or prejudice.  2. They don’t worry about pleasing everyone. Highly authentic people strive to show compassion and understanding to everyone, but they don’t strive to live up to others’ expectation or bother to please everyone. They know you cannot please everyone and you shouldn’t even try. 3. They don’t lie. People who are not self-aware and self-assured tell lies so easily and readily that it becomes second nature to them. However, highly authentic people tell the truth always because they know lies destroy trust and relationships. Tell the truth even when it is difficult to do so and you will never have to ...

N'uff said about that!!!

It can't be said for everyone nor for all situations but it can be applied in a beautiful way to many tough times.  When I think about some of my hardest times, I realize that having them turn into blessings has got to be a choice one makes. When looking at friends and acquaintances that have lost children; somehow, miraculously, some of them are able to find some peace and blessings and others cannot and do not ever. I don't judge; that has not been my journey and I cannot fathom how those who are able to find peace do so.  I only know that, for me, when faced with hardships, many of my years were spent saying, "This is not fair", rather than, "How can I grow from this", or "Where is the lesson I need to learn". Resilience was not a quality I knew a lot about. Practicing daily gratefulness, meditation, prayer and faith in my Higher Power has changed that somewhat. Not every time and not in every situation right off the bat, but of...

I used to be a hard core sleeper. I could sleep through absolutely anything! Earthquakes, power tools, kids parties, etc.  The funny thing though, I never slept through my babies crying. I was a nursing mom for a lot of that time and I would wake at the first peep. The sleeping brain is so very interesting. Now-a-days, as I've shared before, sleep is a toughie. Many nights I will wake around 3:00 or 3:30 and be done...occasionally falling back down at 5ish. I've learned not to freak out about it, trusting that if not tomorrow night, then maybe the night after, I will sleep. I can get a little tweaked when it is the fault of someone else but otherwise I just try to quiet my brain and relax. Some YouTube videos have helped me get a little more balance and taught me how to relax when my brain will not cooperate. I listen to the following:       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46dYmKYpnGY       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L12_GAi2...

Continuing living my life as the "Child of God" has helped in some new ways that even "being grateful" wasn't helping. I'm letting my loved ones do what they need to do, good or bad, and attempting to remain steadfast. Perfectly? NO but far better than I have in the past. Al-Anon reminds us that it is Progress Not Perfection and I will hold onto that with all my heart. No need to beat myself up due to failures....just make my amends and keep on trying to do better.   Funny how others can be blind to their own faults. They can point out yours and give warnings or pep talks but not recognize their own mess. Good thing that is no longer my responsibility (not that it ever really was). People will do what they do and we, as individuals, get to decide how that does or does not fit into our lives. Openly communicating needs and then bravely, we must move forward, holding onto our values, doing as little harm as possible but willing to set free or erect new...

How do I identify myself?  The subject of the sermon on Sunday hit home in a meaningful way. One thing I realized after listening to the message was that my self-identification is fluid, changing from situation to situation. Perhaps not as much as it once did but I still put on many different hats during any 24 hour period. When asked who I am, I would say; mother, daughter, lover, child of God, orphan, sister, friend, pet lover, business owner. When asked what I am like, I would say; introvert, searcher, fairly open minded, loyal, willing to hear both sides, loving, tender, honest, empathetic........additionally, I am; fearful, manipulative, hotheaded, sharp tongued, quick to anger, dirty fighter, jealous, anxious and did I mention fearful? I was challenged to figure out if the way I define myself is lasting and healthy. By keeping my Higher Power at the forefront, being a child of God first, I allow myself to be so much better at the other things. I can love more freel...