An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

Soooo, today is filled with anxiety and negative self talk.  I am doing what I need to do to change that; first, just by being aware and second, by filling my head with the things that will turn that voice in my head, if not off, at least quiet it down. I am reminding myself that the voice is talking from a fear base and not remotely interested in the eventual outcome of this day...good or bad. I, on the other hand, desire to stay in a positive place and frankly, am exhausted from having to say "I'm sorry" after acting on or reacting to those shitty thoughts. On a bright note, I am getting quite skilled at apologies. Returning to my old mantra: ~My heart is full of love from my family. I will care for them and myself to the best of my ability. God is in control and all is well~ My serenity prayer is being repeated and I am anticipating peaceful thoughts returning. It's Friday and it's going to be a beautiful weekend. Enjoy it to the fulle...

I love the smarts I have in my area of expertise. My business has slowly and steadily grown over the last 24 years....luck and hard work. I attempt to keep myself up-to-date with the latest and greatest and I rely heavily on the past to populate the work related conversations that arise both in business and socially. I enjoy terms like optimal demographics, increased ROI, advanced data  analytics  and multi-channel marketing. Professional fortitude does not necessarily translate into personal confidence. The tools needed to foster that are much more complex and far more elusive. The book The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, was the start of a new way of thinking that has helped encourage basic change in how I feel.  Number 2 - Don’t take anything personally, was huge!! In addition to that I try strengthen my relationship with myself and deepen my personal power and self knowledge with the following: 1.     Loving and accepting who we a...

As moms, we know our kids will go through hardships. They will have scraped knees, broken ankles, bicycle accidents and worse. As they grow older, their hardships can be much more complex. They will: not get into the college of their (or maybe your) choice, have their hearts broken, have difficulty finding a job and, gasp, maybe have trouble paying rent. It can be so hard to watch without interfering. allowing them the time and privilege to work it all out and, eventually, feel empowered for doing so. This past week was a test in quite a few ways and I would lay it all out right here except for the fact that each "issue" had its own story teller that is not me. My story is learning to be supportive but objective, patient and open, and finally to shut my damn mouth until appropriate (like after being asked for advice). It's true that I have had a great many life experiences waiting to be shared and it is true that I depended tremendously on my mother when she was...

We must be true inside, true to ourselves, before we can know a truth that is outside us. But we can make ourselves true inside by manifesting the truth as we see it. ~Thomas Merton: No Man Is An Island~ Deceiving myself from the truth is so darn easy. It takes no effort what-so-ever because it is a default that was slowly built in so that I could survive in the world with the least amount of pain. I am learning that I can survive pain and that it is a necessary part of life that can promote wonderful qualities if allowed to do what it does best. Hardships can aid in the building of resilience, patience, empathy and forgiveness. Sadly, they can also make one bitter, angry, distrustful, avoid community, unable to be vulnerable and just plain sad. I’ve lived both ways. Finding out that it was my choice was astonishing. Changing the pattern has proved to be one of the harder things I have ever attempted. But the rewards are worth every ounce of effort I have inside of m...

I chose a different route on Sunday.   Something happened that normally would have been a big blow up. I would have taken it personally, been hurt and reacted poorly. Instead, I went ahead with my plans, did what I needed to do and let the chips fall where they may. It was fantastic to stay in control, in the moment...not borrowing from other hurts to pile on top, not letting the situation tell me that I was not enough. I am enough....enough for me.   The response allowed me to be persuasive in the ensuing dialog, so that the focus was on what happened and did not become my poor behavior; this has been know to happen from time to time. In addition, shaming was not a part of the conversation (I can be fairly good at shaming).  What an incredible victory for me to not yell, cry, withdraw or manipulate. And in the end, the discussion was short-lived and the day was not wasted. Trying to remember that this is not a practice run...it's time to live my life to ...

Like most moms, I adore my kids. I love them all the same and differently. I love how each of them move in the world, treating others with respect, caring and doing no harm.  They are adults and except for one of them, as is common in this economy, are still needing or taking advantage of the help I can give in order to take the next step in life. I am so good with that. Honestly, having the two of them home with me for the last two years was life saving. I'm not sure who has helped who more? Hopefully, I didn't hold on too tight but I cannot image going through what our family went through without them by my side. Many nights, just knowing there was someone else asleep in the house provided immeasurable comfort. It is not lost on me that it must have been so hard for them to watch me struggle to get back from zombie status to the world of the living; add on to that their own pain and the pain of watching their beloved father try to survive a mental illness that often...

Sunday was a great day at church. The latest series is basically about bridging the gap between science and faith and how we, as Christians, can reconcile both. Challenging and thought provoking. We have grown to love this little church in a way that has surprised and delighted. Having done the rounds to quite a few churches in town, the first time we visited here the pastor was starting a series that basically addressed many of the questions that I have had my entire adult Christian life. The questions that always made me feel like an outsider when the other ladies in the room were taking-in the information like grape kool-aid (ok, ok....not a nice way to put it). Since then, we've never looked back...this is home. The pastor, Bob, is highly intelligent and well read and is able to assemble a difficult message in an approachable manner. Often times, when the Boy Scout and I leave the building, we look at each other with a great big WOW! Feeling grateful for this new c...

I have mentioned before that golf has become a part of my life. But did I mention that I went into it begrudgingly? Perhaps contemptuously? After all, what kind of sport can you play where you really don't get any meaningful exercise? And honestly, isn't it mainly just a way for upper income white men to do whatever it is they do on the course?  Truthfully, I haven't played yet where I felt I got any kind of work out. And, yes, often the gentlemen (and I use that term loosely) playing behave poorly (Hellooooo, my name is not honey!!).  What I have found though, is a camaraderie with a group of ladies that is as every bit delightful as it was unexpected, a game of strategy and mental acuity, a wonderful way to spend 3 or 4 hours in a beautiful setting and, finally, a sweet way for my Boy Scout and me to have a common interest. Weekly lessons and as much practice as I can fit in have brought my game to a level that I can, for the most part, avoid embarra...

Today, finding myself with a some extra time and feeling a little nostalgic, I took a drive by my old house. At the bottom of the street, I felt the little twist in my stomach. That twist, which was once so prevalent in my daily life, doesn't show his face very often anymore, but here it was again, like an old friend leading me home.  I drove slowly, noting all the changes that my former neighbors had made to their yards. Our California version of rain has everything blooming beautifully. I love this street still.  I love that it is in the foothills and that there are no streetlights, no sidewalks and is about as quiet as this little city gets. I love the memories of walking/running the neighborhood with my daughter while getting ready to run our half marathon. I love seeing how each home owner deals with living on a hillside in a different way. Each of them trying to prevent the erosion that every big storm brings on (at our house there was a different kind of storm and a...

Spent my morning run being grateful. Not grateful for what I have, those things are fleeting. If I have learned one thing in this past couple of years is that the "things" we value can disappear in a moments notice. Objects, friendships, marriages can crumble to the ground. The trick is learning to find something to be grateful for even as the crumbling occurs. I am truly thankful for the knowledge that a grateful heart, especially with the help of a loving community, can weather almost anything. In addition to that life lesson, I've learned to try to live in the moment. This morning was crisp, with a light chilly breeze. Not too many people around but the few I did encounter seemed to be enjoying the morning as much as I was. The estuary had been ravaged by some very high tides but knowing how nature reinvents itself over and over gave me comfort and the birds didn't seem to mind the damage at all as they flitted about and fed themselves. The haz...