An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

In so many of the AA speaker tapes on YouTube, the speakers will talk about the fact the alcohol was not the problem, it was the answer to the problem. The problem, as often described, was the feeling of being less then, not fitting in anywhere, a knowledge that you are somehow different than everyone else in the room. They often describe the first drunk as making them feel taller, prettier, funnier, sexier and just plain smarter than everyone around them and, finally, being able to take a deep breath and feel apart of. Unfortunately, the feeling is fleeting and can eventually lead to using the substance to an excess. Bottom line is that AA and Al-Anon, organizations that were formed by people whose lives had become "unmanageable" because of alcohol, call this a spiritual malady. As an Al-Anon, it occurred to me that I have very similar problems to the alcoholic but I deal with those awful feelings by trying to control what is going on around me, by forcing the behavior ...

It's the job of each person to take their life lessons and turn them into good. I was failing at that for a little while. Being angry prevents froward movement. Forgiveness for myself and for others was the key to getting rid of the anger and getting on with a more healthy, happy life. The fourth and fifth step, a fearless moral inventory shared with God and another human being, was the catalyst for the forgiveness. If your struggling, consider it. Keep an open mind and give it a try. Another part of the healing is learning to stop playing mind and word games to achieve the ultimate goal -   Feeling OK . Learning to be able to recognize and express how I am feeling has been invaluable. Hurting doesn't have to turn to rage (although, unfortunately, it still does at times). Fear shouldn't end up in an argument over something unrelated.  Being able to say what I mean and mean what I say makes a big difference in my daily walk. This morning at the golf course was ...

Not a day goes by that I don't miss her but some days there is a stronger feeling of longing. The desire to be held in the arms of her unconditional, unwavering love. When do we outgrow that yearning? No idea but not yet. Thankfully, I can also feel gratitude for that love that she doled out to all 6 of us in equal measure. And I can be strong, because I saw her do it, when at about 40 and without the ability to drive, she was left with 5 kids still at home. Having never been employed outside the home, she did whatever she had to do to make it, week after week, month after month. It was a struggle and I cannot imagine how lonely she must have been.  When I think about how, at times, I feel like there is such a heavy load on my shoulders...it is good for me to remember what she went through. My kids are no longer children, I own a successful business, I have resources and a wonderful family and great friends to help whenever I need it. So grateful for a extraordinar...

What a difference a meeting can make. If you're not going, give it a try.  If it's not helping, try another. If you fall back, remember it's PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION. I fell hard but I'm back at it, with an apology for my behavior and a little forgiveness for myself. Thanking my Al-Anon friends (that includes you Lolly) for reminding me there is another way. A better way.

Do you ever ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing?"?  Do you ever think I am scared and I don't know why but it hurts and I just don't know what to do about it? Life with my Secret Keeper was so  up and down, so damn crazy, lonely and just plain shitty so much of the time. I'm not proud of it but I know I am not the only one who ever followed a loved one to see what they were actually doing. Who sat outside their work to see how much time lapsed between leaving and walking through the front door. After realizing how big his problem really was, I spent hours and hours and HOURS sifting through his credit card statements and phone bills, calling number after number to see if the person answering was a woman or a drug connection (as if I could tell once they answered). Counting literally hundreds and hundreds of text messages per month for over 15 months to see which ones he called the most. Did you know that if you type in the right phone number from your phone...

Today is a beautiful day. Not a perfect day, not a day without problems...but beautiful all the same. Focusing on gratefulness and happy to be surrounded by people who love and accept me with all my ugliness and flaws. A sweet conversation on the phone with my girl, a smile from my youngest that started small and engulfed her face and crinkled up her eyes, a special video and some pics from my son's school trip to India, a middle of the night text that warmed my heart and a beautifully clear day with rain in the forecast. It feels great to see some progress towards a more whole, healthier me. A lovely reminder from some special people at my Al-Anon meeting last kicked me in the butt and caused a little turn in attitude.

One thing I've realized in the last couple of months is that I am damaged goods. Even though I try to work the steps, have a grateful heart, focus on mindfulness....even though I do all that, my deep need to feel safe causes me to say and do things that I usually regret and sometimes cause damage to others. Just because I see this, does not mean I know what to do with it. At times, I am at a loss. All I can do is keep trying, doing the best I can, I suppose. I know I need to get to the place where, when I feel scared and panicky, I am able to say, "Linda, this is fear, it is just a feeling, it does not need to be acted on. Feel it, embrace it, let it slip away over time. It's okay babe....ride it out".  SOMEDAY......

Super Bowl Sunday.....I was dreading this day more than I can say. I did my self talk, got support from my sister and daughters and changed my attitude but as we drove up to the house my anxiety rose. A huge party with not one person I knew except the Boy Scout was hard. In the best of times, even with people I know, I wouldn't normally accept the invite with that size group.  But the man was super excited (people he loves and his very own Broncos) and my heart desires to please him, so off to the party I went. As we parked, I may have melted down just a bit (or a bit more), but he calmly and quietly talked to me and I mustered my courage. With a promise from the man to not leave me alone without "permission", we entered and I tried to stop thinking about my discomfort and focused on trying to remember names and being friendly and loving the Boy Scout. Not too bad! Still would have rather stayed home but everyone was pretty friendly. It was fun to watch my man in h...

If you saw my last post, you know that detachment is a tough thing for me and for so many people I know. I took the previous four steps to heart! Redirecting my thinking each time it got out of whack. Feeling so much more peace. Don't chase your loved ones away by making them responsible for you feeling....OK, in control, loved, peaceful, content, safe or just plain happy. Remember that step #3, "I could feel___________" is an inside job. Letting It Begin With Me.

Truth! But the hardest thing that I've ever attempted.  Detach from the outcome, let life flow and let go of expectations. Four steps to help. Step 1.   Choose a person you love, but about whom you feel some level of anxiety, anger, or sadness.  Step 2.   Identify what this person must do to make you happy, but using this sentence: "If _________ would only __________, then I could feel ____________." Step 3.   Delete the first part of the sentence, so it reads: "I could feel _____________." Realize that this is the only honest truth in the sentence and know that you have the power to feel that way no matter what anyone else says or does.  Step 4.   Shift your focus from controlling others to creating your own happiness.  Keep up the good work.

For the hard of hearing, sweet nothings are really that, nothing When having an intimate moment, whether in a restaurant or quiet room, whispering is completely lost on me. I can look deeply into your "mouth" and hope to get it, or if the lights or low, I can try to guess at it by filling in what I don't hear by grabbing onto a few audible words, but that fact of the matter is, I'm concentrating on listening more than what is being said. Huh? What'd ya say? One more time please. I've always been amazed at the patience my kids have exhibited with my hearing loss. Not only have they've had tremendous patience but often times, while in public, they would listen and help me with comprehension when I was at a loss for what was being said. Not treating me like an imbecile but aiding when needed. They've been great!! When I signed up for Match.com, I had some big concerns about entering the dating world and being vulnerable about my inability to hear:...