Missing Something Special

Do you ever ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing?"?  Do you ever think I am scared and I don't know why but it hurts and I just don't know what to do about it?

Life with my Secret Keeper was so  up and down, so damn crazy, lonely and just plain shitty so much of the time. I'm not proud of it but I know I am not the only one who ever followed a loved one to see what they were actually doing. Who sat outside their work to see how much time lapsed between leaving and walking through the front door. After realizing how big his problem really was, I spent hours and hours and HOURS sifting through his credit card statements and phone bills, calling number after number to see if the person answering was a woman or a drug connection (as if I could tell once they answered). Counting literally hundreds and hundreds of text messages per month for over 15 months to see which ones he called the most. Did you know that if you type in the right phone number from your phone bill that an escort ad might pop up and you will be able see the picture of the woman your husband has been spending your hard earned money and limited recreational time with. Did you know that hookers are an excellent source of drugs?  Did you know she won't look a thing like you? She will, of course, be bleach blond with plastic double D's. She'll have tattoos and, clearly, have skills you have yet to acquire. You can call her like I did but she'll remind you it was not personal, it was only "business".  After finishing up with the phone bills I accessed all his old emails, I tortured myself by reading his responses to craigslist ads and reading about what he was looking for and how he depicted me to complete strangers. All the while feeling sick to my stomach.

I got over that and found ways to forgive the Secret Keeper. I took responsibility for my part which was substantial. He is gone but there is still much turmoil and the only common denominator is me. What do I do with that....I'm stuck with me.

I need to talk to someone but I can't lay it all out there for fear of, once again, looking like a fool. Or perhaps just frightened that the end result is that the Boy Scout is not right for me (or me for him). It's not being alone that scares me so much....it's more about possibly missing out on something special because I can no longer trust anyone. The assumptions I make, like that small lies always lead to big lies (do they?), or that leopards really can't change their spots even if they desire too or that every bad habit is an addiction, are damaging to all parties. Can leopards change their spots or is that even the wrong question to ask?

So the knot in the stomach stays once again until this dark veil lifts. Last week was different, and I was in a better place. Practicing being OK no matter what others were up to and keeping my calm in the middle of the storm was a victory for me even if it only lasted for a week or two. It felt great and I want it back.