An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

I had completely forgotten about this and then, recently, something jogged my memory. I may have written about it before but I am getting old and my memory doesn't serve me as well as it used to. My boy was starting his second year of college without a car. He didn't seem to care and it saved a lot of money on parking permits etc., but it meant that we had to move him up there. Four of us started the journey North but only 3 of us completed it. From Southern California to U.C. Santa Cruz is about 6 hours of nothingness. The central valley is large, hot and full of farms and not much else.  Our marriage was already troubled for multiple reasons, some of which I was aware and some that were hidden. The Secret Keeper had already been through a stay in a care center for alcohol related issues but life was still just crazy. We all knew it but none of knew quite how explain it all. I thought a lot of it was extreme anxiety that was making his life miserable. I felt for him but I also...

I must admit that thus far, aside from the one week heat dome, I am loving Portland. The nights are chilly and the days are moderate to warm. I am learning to take a sweater everywhere I go. There is a lot of overcast but, so far, it is a very high ceiling, unlike at home where the May, June and July gloom would sit within hands reach, if one would just stretch out a little further. I am a little nervous about the winter but am hopeful that I will adapt and keep a good attitude. I love rain. I have always loved rain but perhaps that is because Southern California gets so very little of it that it is a novelty. I don't think so though. Rain, to me, means life and renewal. It makes me happy. I'll check in with you sometime next April and let you know if I've had a change of heart. My hearing has taken a turn for the worse the past week and it is incredibly frustrating and a little scary. The Boy Scout seems a bit nervous about it too, as he has to deal with it day in and day ...

I am, as you must be aware, looking for a job. I saw an ad recently for an accounting tech at George Fox University. It sounded great. I had all the qualifications but one. I have all these: A commitment to working with a diverse population of people is essential; demonstrated experience in this area is preferred. 2-3+ years of experience in payroll. Highly motivated, autonomous and proactive with a genuine interest in employee experience. The ability to maintain confidentiality, display discretion and protect the privacy of information. Strong written and verbal communications skills. Demonstrated professional attitude and excellent customer service skills. Demonstrated strong attention to detail, organizational and analytical skills in business setting. Must have permanent and unrestricted work authorization in the United States. But the one I don't have is: Evangelical Christian commitment and lifestyle consistent with the university's mission as described in the Statement o...

The Boy Scout had been going to the same dog park for 25 years. People and dogs come and go at dog parks, for obvious reasons. For the most part, the owners know the names of the dogs but not their humans and it was not uncommon for folks to say things like “You’re Spots dad” or “Fifi’s mom is over there”.   But the Boy Scout single-handedly started connecting people in real and meaningful ways. So much so that they nicknamed him the mayor of Arroyo Verde park. He relished this new found role where so many folks truly liked hm for being him……just a really nice guy.  When we left, his community threw him a going away bash with champagne and food and stories. Even people who'd lost their dogs showed up. They made him a memory book with pictures of the dogs and their humans with notes. One of his friends ruefully asked, “Who will be the keeper of the names now?” He left that park a better place than when he got there.  On Sunday, we joined a group of new found friends (how I...

My kids and I have a place we can share the little things going on in our life’s. It’s an app called Discord. It can be hard to find time for a phone call that you know will take more than 1/2 hour but in Discord we share our hobbies, animals, hikes, passions, moves, jobs and boring life moments with the people that care the most.  I was sharing with them my feelings about job hunting for the first time in 39 years.  In response, I got a lot of love! The other day I was FaceTiming with my youngest. It’s lovely to be able to connect long distance. The interesting thing about FaceTime is that you see both the person you are talking to and yourself. It's so odd to see who you are (or appear to be) to them. When I am inside myself fully, which is very often with my kids, I feel like I am 30ish. But as I talked to her and saw myself too, I realized that what she sees is an older woman with a lot of wrinkles. Funny how my skins feels smooth on my body but is far from it on the outsi...

They say that leopards don't change their spots but sometimes they do. If you've been following me awhile, you know that the Boy Scout and I have had quite a few ups and downs. No blame.....we chose each other to fill the emptiness and unmet needs that we were mostly unaware of. We fit the old molds quite well. I am probably more like his mother than he would like to admit and in ways that he is not aware of and he definitely has some of my fathers qualities, some good and some not so good. I got into Adult Children of Alcoholics and tried to heal but, honestly, it was extremely hard when the Boy Scout pushed all the right buttons consciously and subconsciously. The right buttons, unfortunately, produced rage and victimhood (I had to do a lot of work to recognize that). One day he realized that he might be helped too and off to ACA he went. That was the start of the new beginning. It has taken a long time and there is a long way to go but this man, who wore a Tommy Suit that co...

I had the tools all along but I forgot how to call on them.  The pain of leaving my community was like a tight ball deep within my core. It threatened to grow so much that it constricted my breath. My focus began to be what was causing the pain but I miss-focused. I was looking at the separation. At some point during my drive through then desert I had a new understanding. The grief was normal, necessary and good. It reminded me of the love and deep friendship I had developed in the last couple of years. It would have been a tragedy if I had left and there was no one to miss or to miss me. I shifted my view. I am truly a grateful woman. 

There is something captivating about the desert in the morning. Today it decided to grace me with a beautiful farewell sunrise. It was fitting as I have made a point of greeting it, nearly everyday, for the last 5 years. It was a perfect 74° with a light breeze that delivered a longing for my grandmother’s house in Yucca Valley. The smells and textures of her home in the dry landscape are lingering on the edges the wind, calling me to conjure memories that slip from my vision before I can see them clearly. I can still feel them though. There was freedom, fun, boredom and acceptance at that home. Grandma Ruth had a twinkle in her eye, chain smoked and chewed chicklets gum. She loved gin rummy and kings corners, had a gravely voice and her laugh was a kind of modified / toned down version of Phyllis Dillar’s cackle. I loved it and her. She tanned naked in the desert sun and with her deep, dark tan, her rather wide nose, black hair and somewhat angled features she looked very Native Ameri...

I've been one poor correspondent.  Breaking until after my move. I will be reading yours, of course. See you next from Oregon! Be well....