An Invincible Summer - A Woman's Journey

A sort of ground hog day: Wake up Pull clothing off the floor and put it on Go out back door, go into garage/family room door. Work Sometimes errands/food/read Watch a little TV Remove clothing onto floor Wake up REPEAT Nowhere to go and nothing much to do so......very little laundry. A bra means a very special occasion, sweats are my new uniform. I will change if necessary but so far.......

Our neighbor's daughter graduated from college yesterday. Her commencement was lovely. Cap and gown donned, she walked unsteadily but resolutely to receive her diploma and gave her speech to the rapt listeners. Her little private college in Arizona had a "graduate only" policy. She, therefore, had a choice to drive the 450 miles and graduate alone OR she could stay home and do the deed with the ones she loves. She opted for the latter. We gathered outside (well spaced) and celebrated her achievement. One neighbor with a scholarly look to him, also capped and gowned (and, of course, masked), handed the diploma to the graduate. It was a lovely time. Probably not how she pictured it but it wasn't half bad. As we talked, the subject of nudism came up. One neighbor smiled sheepishly and admitted that she and her hubby both leaned that direction. The graduate and her sister admitted that mom was a great big nudist and used any excuse at all to get naked and go out and play ...

My life was once ruled by fear. Fear of being found out, failing, embarrassing myself, being unworthy and most importantly, of being abandoned. That was not created in a vacuum but rather cut open by my dad, who couldn't love himself, and then slashed open again by the Secret Keeper who tried but couldn't keep up the facade of being OK. When the Boy Scout and I got together we were what is often called "The Walking Wounded". Not that either of us was aware but it was true just the same. Abandonment, rages, false selves and emotional turmoil were a constant.....until we learned there was a better way.  Now I know that I can do better and I refuse to abandon myself. The other day we sat in an automobile line for COVID testing. While we waited, he read to me from The Brothers K. We are nearing the end and aside from a few bits that were added in that seem wholly unnecessary, I have loved it. As my man sat and read, his deep, lovely voice squeezed with emotion, moisture i...

Hi there, Just a few thoughts.... It was so natural to have you home. Not like a guest but rather a family member coming home from a long trip. I love that. It makes me feel more connected and content.  I know that leaving is a natural part of life, but I never went that far from my mom so I always felt very connected. I wasn't sure if it would be that way with you three. You've gone far and now further still. But it's nice to know that even though it is different, it is the same.  You are an incredible man. I hope that you always know that. Not that your mom thinks it, but that you, deep within yourself, know it to be true. If not, start now with a different track in your head. One that values you...warts and all. We all have flaws but our own unconditional love is vital for peace and happiness to settle in. Remember to love the parts that fail...... it is human to do so. I didn't always know that. I felt ashamed of my failures and, therefore, had to hide them from the...

In general, I consider myself somewhat jaded, eschewing overly sweet rom-coms, most love ballads (the American band Bread makes me nauseous) and all the formulaic sickly sweet romance novels ie Sparks, Hannah, Carr, Garwood, etc. Just not for me! That being said, for the last 17 years, I have sat like a silly fool with a goofy smile on my face as I, once again, sit through my second favorite movie. From the moment it starts until the final credits (and even during the credits) there I sit, grinning. I still laugh at all the places I laughed the first time. And, funnily enough, so does the boy scout,  all the while throwing out lines before they are said, which is quite OK with me. He booms or mumbles things like: "There was more than one lobster at the birth of Jesus?" "If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around." "Silence is golden. As the Tremeloes said." "Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here ...

Growing up after 50 is an interesting journey.  Previously, I tried hard to mitigate uncomfortable feelings with tools I picked up as a child. Those tools worked ok then but as an adult they can easily be construed as manipulative, harsh or plain old unfair. I was not conscious that that was what I was doing. This meant that I often blamed others for the discomfort of anxiety, sadness, fear or anger. It was what I had learned....normal. While my boys were visiting, there were a number of times where the child in me wanted to shape the situation to a more comfortable position. When Scott, Son #2, and his partner suffered a big setback in their plans to spend the next three years in England, a part of me longed to "fix it" but I sat and allowed them to work it out on their own. Win, Win. I didn't make a commitment that I might resent or be a hardship and they got to feel accomplished in navigating a different avenue of the school loan system. My ex seemed to be in a bad pla...

I'm BAAAACK! It's been awhile. My son and his partner have gone after a month long stay. It was a time of bonding and allowing space. Saturday I said goodbye with a full heart. It ached but it was good. He is off on a new adventure to England. He will be there for about 3 years. When this whole mess we are in is over, we will travel over to see them and maybe my girl in Colorado too. Until then, it will be texts and facetime to keep my Mom heart full. You know....because it is all about me. The two tallest are my kids and the other three are my kids by proxy. Seriously though, what a lucky woman I am.