Love Thyself

My life was once ruled by fear. Fear of being found out, failing, embarrassing myself, being unworthy and most importantly, of being abandoned. That was not created in a vacuum but rather cut open by my dad, who couldn't love himself, and then slashed open again by the Secret Keeper who tried but couldn't keep up the facade of being OK.

When the Boy Scout and I got together we were what is often called "The Walking Wounded". Not that either of us was aware but it was true just the same. Abandonment, rages, false selves and emotional turmoil were a constant.....until we learned there was a better way. 

Now I know that I can do better and I refuse to abandon myself.

The other day we sat in an automobile line for COVID testing. While we waited, he read to me from The Brothers K. We are nearing the end and aside from a few bits that were added in that seem wholly unnecessary, I have loved it.

As my man sat and read, his deep, lovely voice squeezed with emotion, moisture in his eyes, I looked at him. Really looked. His dark hair with graying edges, the deep crinkles around his eyes, his beautiful teeth and the white santa like beard. I watched as the book he held moved with the tremors that sit in his large, lumberjack like hands and I was moved. And felt deep gratitude.

Life just keeps getting better as I learn to love and value the one person that needed it most because now I have so much more to give the ones around me. I no longer have to hold back in fear.