Oh, Grow Up

Growing up after 50 is an interesting journey. 

Previously, I tried hard to mitigate uncomfortable feelings with tools I picked up as a child. Those tools worked ok then but as an adult they can easily be construed as manipulative, harsh or plain old unfair. I was not conscious that that was what I was doing. This meant that I often blamed others for the discomfort of anxiety, sadness, fear or anger. It was what I had learned....normal.

While my boys were visiting, there were a number of times where the child in me wanted to shape the situation to a more comfortable position. When Scott, Son #2, and his partner suffered a big setback in their plans to spend the next three years in England, a part of me longed to "fix it" but I sat and allowed them to work it out on their own. Win, Win. I didn't make a commitment that I might resent or be a hardship and they got to feel accomplished in navigating a different avenue of the school loan system.

My ex seemed to be in a bad place. He had not been returning calls and or following through. On the last day before he left, my boy tried to arrange breakfast with his dad but did not hear back from him. I know he was in pain, missing the dad he had once been so close to. I wanted to fix it. I wanted him to feel better. I wanted to text that man and ask him what the hell was wrong with him and to get his ass in gear.

But then I remembered that it was not my job to fix Scotts feelings or to correct that man's behavior. I also was able to remember that the man loved his kids with all his heart but his mental illness is a harsh master that requires his full attention much of the time. I don't need to shame him. He already deals with enough shame.

All in all, it feels good to grow up even if it is considerably delayed.